How J-Lo Saved My Monday

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jennifer_lopez.jpg

Yesterday started off as a typical crappy Monday.

I was tired from the weekend… bummed about my dog’s sore ear… and still having tooth pain from last week’s dental work. I didn’t think anything could brighten my day.

But then…smiling at me from USA Today’s Life Page…I saw it…”Jennifer Lopez turns 37.”

And my world was set right again.

I have a fixation on learning star’s ages. At 36 years old, it’s (sadly enough) the barometer I use to measure my own self worth.

The measure is easy…I weigh the status and age of the celebrity against my own status and age to determine if I’m a loser or if I can possibly keep even the most vague grasp of being considered “cool.” If a star is older than I am and is still cool…I’m still cool. If a star is younger than I am…then I hate them.

I know it’s pathetic, but I can’t help myself.

Sometimes the only thing that gets me through a tough day is the fact that Jennifer Aniston is a year older than I am.

To play The Age Game, simply follow these directions:

1. Determine the year you were born.2. Subtract one year. (For example, I was born in 1970, therefore I would use the year 1969 in step 3.)

3. Do an Internet search for “actors born in the year prior to the year of your birth.”

4. Click on a page containing the desired information.

5. Sit back, read, and laugh with glee at all the people who may have more money and fame than you but who are one year closer to death than you.

For me, The Age Game reveals that I am younger than the sexy Simon Baker, the hilarious Jack Black, the sarcastic Matthew Perry, the demon-possessed Marilyn Manson, the brilliant Edward Norton, and the gangsta Sean “P. Diddy” Combs.

But as you play the game, you have to be aware of the risks involved. For example, I got really excited to learn that I was younger than Donnie Wahlberg but then my excitement plummeted into dismay when I realized that I had mistaken Donnie for Mark Wahlberg.

Tricky.

However, the round was saved when I read that not only am I younger than Renee Zellweger, I am younger than the very hip, very cool Gwen Stefani. Hollaback, girl!

Then I hit the jackpot…I came to the name of an actress I thought was at least five years my junior…but no…in actuality, I am younger than Gray’s Anatomy’s Ellen Pompeo! SCORE!

Trust me, the game could have gone the other way. When playing The Age Game, don’t ever…under any circumstances…dwell on the fact that there are stars out there who you think are much older than you but who, in reality, are only a year older than you.

I came close to knocking myself out of the match when I realized that not only was Dancing with the Stars’ Rachel Hunter just a mere year my senior…so was Ellen DeGeneres’ ex and resident crazy Anne Heche, as well as Michael Douglas’ wifeypoo…Catherine Zeta Jones.

tara.jpg The only thing that keeps me from spiraling out of control in these situations is focusing on stars who are younger than I am but who look like total crap. Usually Tara Reid (pictured at left) does the trick.

Oh…one other crucial tip for winning at The Age Game. Refrain from searching for stars born in the same year as yourself. This tactic usually backfires on many people…especially those, like myself, born early in a year. I was born in February, so pretty much everyone born in 1970 is younger than me.

Although it’s nice to know I share the same birth year with Matt Damon, Beck, Tyson Beckford, Queen Latifah, Joseph Fiennes, Tina Fey, Jason Lee, M. Knight Shamalan, Uma Thurman, and Vince Vaughn, it doesn’t come close to making up for the fact that Lara Flynn Boyle, Deborah Gibson, Jordan Knight, Rick Schroeder, and…gulpMariah Carey are actually younger than I am.

I think I’m gonna vomit.

Tara Reid. Tara Reid. Tara Reid.

No wait…that doesn’t feel right.

Where’s J-Lo when you need her?

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25 Responses to “How J-Lo Saved My Monday”

  1. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Yes! Laura Dern, Will Farrell (Okay could have been Colin, but I will take Will), Nicole Kidman (BIG WIN THERE!), Guy Pearce, Julia Roberts (whew!), Liev Schreiber, Lily Taylor (Just too cool to reference her), and Anna Nicole Smith (Although I am a bit disgusted to have her be so close in age to me)….But the big win…Younger than Pam Anderson…well parts of her anyway.

    Belated good wishes to Miss Sadie…nothing is worse than a hurtin’ puppy.

    Verification word of the day: “rdxvweuy”, the possessing of the red side of 3D glasses only…rending the 3D experience less than optimal

  2. TALK! Says:

    Shrew…there is nothing better than when someone not only understands and accepts the stupid games I play…except when they join in and totally RAWK playing those games.

    And for the record…there are parts of Pam Anderson that my 15-year-old brother isn’t even younger than.

    HA! (You cracked me up on that one.)

  3. nolagirl Says:

    Well, since I am such a young lass, I took a different approach to your game, Shelley. I looked at the chicks born a year before me and thought to myself, “Yeah, I could take her.” And that list consists of:

    – Jessica Alba
    – Jamie-Lynn DiScala (I ain’t scared of no Sopranos!)
    – Anna Kournikova
    – Serena Williams
    – Natalie Portman (Queen AmaKickHerAss)
    – Ivanka Trump
    – Alicia Keys
    – Beyonce

    Ok, so here are the ones I could *actually* take (who am I kidding with my first list):

    – Paris Hilton
    – Nicole Richie
    – Britney Spears

    And then, as an added bonus, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry that one of those kids from Home Improvement is actually older than me (Zachary Ty Bryan).

  4. TALK! Says:

    Brilliant, NOLA!

    Listen…I think you COULD take Alba, DiSala, Portman, Trump, and Keys.

    However…you’re right…Kournikova, Williams and Beyonce are a little scary. I wouldn’t want to meet any in a dark alley. Ha!

    And not only could you actually take Hilton, Richie (snap her like a chicken bone), and Spears…I think you owe it to the world to drive to Hollyweird and do just that. Heck…with Brit-Brit moving back to LA. you don’t have to drive far to kick her ass.

    Oh…and Zachary Ty Bryan is actually older than me, too. What no one knows is that he was actually 35 on the show.

  5. suzi-q Says:

    I feel great cause I can still read the computer screen and though I had my fifteen year old to enter this blog as a favorite, I am still pleased. Y’all are to great to even care but I can remember thinking the very same thing.

  6. TALK! Says:

    Suzi-Q, don’t worry…you are timeless. šŸ˜‰

  7. Holeigh Says:

    Alright, being as I’m the youngest here (but will start worrying about the age thing soon, I’m afraid…), I’m going to list actresses just a tad older than myself who have made messes of their lives!

    1. Lindsay Lohan
    2. Mary-Kate Olsen

    Alright, so that’s all I got…not too many big namers at my age and the rest of them actually have clean reputations. (Emmy Rossum, Shia LaBeouf.) In a few years I can play the game more effectively! šŸ™‚

  8. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Yippee I love this kinda stuff!

    The one that scared me ’cause she’s only a year older than me:

    MARY J. BLIGE. Whaaat?!! I thought she was, like, 65.

    Okay. The ones that are soo hot that I’m glad I can at least say I’m younger than:

    Brooke Burke (from Rockstar..sooo hot.)
    Denise Richards (trainwreck)

    Boys that are hot and I can be the “younger woman” with (even if it’s only a year):

    Ewan MacGregor
    Luke Wilson (I like Owen better)
    Josh Lucas
    Jared Leto (My current fave actor turned rockstar. Love 30 Seconds to Mars.)

    Annnnd:

    Tupac Shakur was listed. But he’s dead.

    P.S. Shrew- loved Lily Taylor in “Say Anything”. The lovesick, guitar playing best friend.

  9. TALK! Says:

    Okay, Holeigh…how sad is it that Linsay and Mary-Kate are already trainwrecks?

    Oh…and Shia LaBeouf…LOVE HIM!!!!

    —–

    Bama…you think it’s bad that Mary J. is only a year older than you? How about this sh*t…she’s only ONE MONTH older than ME!!!!!

    I, too, thought she was 65.

    Oh…and Lily Taylor (continuing with naming her great movie roles)…brilliant in “Mystic Pizza” as the oh-so-nymphlike Jojo. Plus…Vincent D’Onofrio was actually a hunk back then.

    Can I get an amen?

    BONUS ROUND = Of the following young stars…who made their feature film debut in 1988’s “Mystic Pizza” in the roll of Steamer?

    A. Ben Affleck
    B. Jude Law
    C. Matt Damon
    D. Edward Norton

  10. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Matt Damon was the little brother of the rich dude that Julia Roberts was dating. I remember the scene so clearly….she was wearing the tight, short black dress with the MASSIVE bow across her boobs. They were having lobster. One of the Portugese maids said hi to her…which of course amplified her uncomfortable feelings of being from the “other side of the tracks”.

  11. TALK! Says:

    1,000 points for bama…and a date with Taylor Hicks…well a picture of Taylor Hicks anyway.

  12. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Okay. I’ll take the picture. For now. (It is a damn good one.)

    We should play movie trivia games more often. Especially if these are the stakes!

  13. TALK! Says:

    Duly noted, bama. šŸ˜‰

  14. Holeigh Says:

    Dangit, I knew that trivia question, I wish I had checked back earlier! And yes, it is pathetic that at 20 years old, one’s life can be a complete minefield.

    Shia is awesome, but I’m surprised you know who he is, since he was mostly on Disney channel. I think he’s actually very talented, I hope he gets some bigger roles soon.

    Also, I think Vincent D’Onofrio was pretty handsome in Law & Order: CI, when he wasn’t sickly looking.

    Lastly (I’m all about multiple paragraphs today for some reason), I love movie trivia too! šŸ™‚

  15. PeggyisAmused Says:

    i was thrilled today to learn that i’m younger than mick jagger, farrah faucet, gena rowlands and billy graham. i was so depressed before, but now everything is all blue skies!!!

  16. Holeigh Says:

    Oooh, and I just looked at the Taylor pic! The Lansing State Journal chose that picture for their spread on him after he won…its on my wall, haha. šŸ™‚

  17. TALK! Says:

    Holeigh…I heart Even Stevens.

    And if there was ever a better show than Flash Forward…try and name it.

    I heart Tucker James.

    (Remember…I have three YOUNGER brothers so my youth is pretty much in tact. I am even looking forward to the new TMNT Movie.:)

    —-

    Peggy…you forgot Methuselah.

  18. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Peggy- now I am amused.

    Holeigh- I can’t believe that when I was watching Mystic Pizza for the first time…you were just a tiny baby.

    Vincent D’Onofrio will always be that gross alien dude from Men in Black to me. And I can’t watch any L&O ‘cept SVU. The rest just seem a pale reflection to me.

    My new Taylor pic is my new screen saver. My boss loves to ask me why I’m so into “George Clooney”. Duh.

  19. TALK! Says:

    Bama…your boss cracks me up.

    And D’Onofria was pretty gross in “The Cell,” too.

    Fortunately, his 5 minutes of hotness was captured in “Mystic Pizza.”

    Mine was lost forever in the hallways of Biloxi High School between English and History on January 29, 1987.

    It’s been all downhill from there.

    So sad.

    Tara Reid…Tara “Friggin'” Reid!

  20. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Yeah. My boss is so funny. So stinkin’ funny.

    And…”The Cell” (weirdo movie) brings us full circle back to the gorgeous Ms. J-Lo. Way 2 go Talk!

    (Do you think if you went back to BHS you’d find you’re hotness again??)

  21. Quossum Says:

    I knew I was getting old when I would see some dating show on TV and think, “Dammit, I’m too old for that any more!”

    Of course, some of these reality shows take on older contestants…hmmm…how do I feel about eating bugs?

    Nah. Reality bites.

    –Q

    P.S. When I read all these stars’ names, all I was hearing was Charlie Brown’s teacher talking. =P

  22. TALK! Says:

    Q…I knew this post wouldn’t be your cup of tea…but I’m glad you chimed in…regardless. šŸ˜‰

    And bama…I’ll go back and look…but I think I left it in my locker…and I’ve forgotten the combination.

  23. Holeigh Says:

    Shell: Yay, Fast Forward! I have old reruns of that on tape somewhere, I loved Tucker too. However, I have to say that my favorite ever Disney original show was So Weird…now where are the DVDs of that? And I completely forgot that you have more than 1 younger brother; now it all makes sense. (Did you see High School Musical?)

    bama: Hahaha, I can’t believe that either! It does make me laugh, however. I agree on L&O, though; I like CI for awhile, but SVU is the only one that really holds my attention now. That and the original CSI. Eww, I forgot he was the Bug in Men & Black…not so attractive anymore!

  24. TALK! Says:

    Holeigh…So Weird was bizarre. I never really got into it.

    However…I give it props for employing Mackenzie Phillips…of “One Day at a Time” fame.

    Poor…drughead…MacKenzie.

    P.S. I did not see High School Musical. Sorry. šŸ˜¦

  25. Holeigh Says:

    LMAO re: the drughead comment. I love the supernatural, so the show was an excellent fit. I was around 12 when it came out (I think) so I also identified with the characters.

    High School Musical was pretty good, I have some of the songs on my iTunes. Gotta love “little kid” shows! šŸ™‚

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