The Waxing from Hell

by

“There is nothing so agonizing to the fine skin of vanity as the application of a rough truth”
–Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton, British politician, poet, critic and prolific novelist, 1803-1873

I always cringe when people touch my chin.

Now you are probably thinking, “Pray tell, Shelley, just how often do people touch your chin that you would be caused such worry?”

Well, you’d be friggin’ surprised.

Hairdressers. People at work. Family. Friends. The guy standing next to me in the elevator …okay so he just grabbed my ass (that does happen to everybody…right?)

Seriously, spend a week being conscious of how many times people touch you…accidently brush against your butt…purposefully stroke your hair…feel the fabric of your clothing…reach for a sparkly piece of jewelry on your person. It happens more than you might realize.

For me…it happens way more than I’m comfortable with…especially when it comes to the underside of my chin…which…to be frank…looks like it belongs on a Frank. I’ve got more than a little hair on my chinny chin chins and it drives me crazy.

I mean, Captain Morgan is a dashing figure…but what girl wants to look like him?

Just last week, my hairdresser put his hand under my chin to move my head to a proper hair-cutting angle. He could have given me a mohawk and I wouldn’t have noticed…because all of my focus was on wondering what he was wondering in regards to the tuft of catcus he had just fondled.

Friends hug me and my chin hits their skin…and I cringe. Older people who haven’t seen me in years cradle my face and say how good it is to see me…and I cringe. Even total strangers have freaked me out by touching my chin…no lie. A couple of years ago, I was at a seminar and the keynote speaker was walking through the audience wearing one of those dumbass headphone mics (a la Britney Spears). When he got to where I was seated, he paused to make a point and then…I swear on my life…he looked down at me…put his fingertips under my chin and tipped my face upward. (WHO DOES THAT?!) Needless to say, I was a wreck the rest of the day.

Well, in case you haven’t noticed, this blog has been a little Taylor Hicks heavy this last week. The reason for this is that I’m totally stoked about going to see him perform in Birmingham next Tuesday at the American Idol concert and, hopefully, at a smaller venue the day before. On the off chance that I get to meet Mr. Hicks, I’m doing what I can to look my best…new hair cut…pedicure…contact lenses…waxing the old chinchilla.

Now, I’ve never been a fastidious groomer. Manicures, pedicures, waxing…are virgin territory for me. I mean, I give myself home manis and pedis…and I tweeze my own chin…but I’ve never had these things done professionally. Probably because I’m scared…mostly because I’m cheap.

So, when my friend, Peggy, said she would go with me and hold my hand for my first pedicure and facial waxing…I took her up on it!

Looking back on the whole fiasco…I should have known I was in trouble when I got to the salon on Wednesday and told the lady waxer what I wanted done with the underside of my chin and she replied with, “Your goatee area.”

“Um, I like to call it my throat,” I said.

“Hon, that’s not your throat. It’s your goatee area.”

“Ma’am, could you stop calling it the goatee area…before I drop-kick the gray out of your dusty head, you old hag.…please?” I smiled.

“Well, what should I call it?”

“How about the underside of my chin.”

“Whatever.”

And then she spread boiling wax on the underside of my chin and ripped the hell out of the top layer of my epidermis…or as she would call it…my beard foundation.

The look on Peggy’s face was priceless.

“Does it hurt?” Peg asked.

Actually, it didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. I didn’t even wince…at first.

But as Attila the Hun kept brutalizing me with rip after rip of that damn wax and paper strip…she peppered me with questions that seared far more than any of the physical torture.

“You poor dear. You’re so young and cute…you shouldn’t have this problem,” she said. (That’s the kind of crap compliment shitty people pay you right before they rip you a new one.)

“Have you tried dipilatories?”

RIP

“Yes.”

“Tweezing?”

RIP

“Yes.”

“Electrolosis?”

RIP

“Yes.” (a home kit…and a story for another day, children)

“What does your doctor say?”

RIP

“He said I needed to cut off my chin and grow a new one.”

Okay, so I didn’t say that. I was saved from having to answer when this elderly woman in rollers shuffled up and began staring at me and my now very red…and still very hairy…chin (apparently my hairs are rooted in with Super Glue).

I thought she was going to comment on the horror that is my face but then I noticed she was holding an individually wrapped Little Debbie Nutty Bar in her hand, which she extended to Peggy. I figured she was offering snacks for the show but then she asked Peggy to open the wrapping for her “’cause she’s never gonna get finished” she said nodding toward my waxer, causing the rollers on her head to wobble.

Even crazy Nutty Bar lady recognized the futility of my situation.

But not Hacksaw Jim Duggan…she kept right on ripping…stopping every now and then to use tweezers.

“If she wanted to have it tweezed, she wouldn’t have come for a waxing,” Peggy said. (Bless her.)

“Well, it’s not coming off with the wax…I’ve gotta use the tweezers.”

I felt like Geneviève Bujold in Coma when the operating room nurses were standing over her chatting about the day while she was facing her mortality on the operation table.

Thankfully, Lizzie Borden finally handed me a mirror so I could see what was now burning like fire.

My inflamed chin was puffy and red…and still hairy…but what really freaked me out was…it was bleeding.

“Okay, I think that about does it,” I said, wanting to get the hell out of Dodge. “I think I’m good.”

But I guess the idea of not filling her hair quota for the day was torture because the evil woman took her maniacal little waxing stick and headed for my eyebrows.

“I’d just like to clean this up a little,” she chirped.

Not only did I grab the she-devil’s hand, but Peggy near tackled her as we both yelled, “NO!”

She looked like we had just told her Christmas had been cancelled…forever.

But she rebounded in a big way. She started spreading a cream on my chin…which was now issuing smoke signals for help. And then she showed me some “aloe vera” on her fingertips and said it would soothe the burning.

Foolishly I trusted her.

I think I peed a little…it burned like a chemical spill all over my raw skin.

I actually was tearing up as I left the waxing station, and Peggy saw to it that management was alerted to the woman’s ineptitude (love you, Peg). Thankfully, I didn’t have to pay the $12 for the waxing. (For some reason that figure seems like such a pittance considering the magnitude of the situation.)

For the record, let me say that as bad as the waxing was…the pedicure was totally at the other end of the extreme. What a treat! I had never had one of those either and was a little concerned at first. But all was well with the world as soon as my little tootsies hit that warm soapy water. It’s hard to believe that Kathy the Friendly Pedicure Fairy was more gentle with my stinky ol’ feet than the Terminator was with my friggin’ face.

Overall the trip to the salon paid off because, when I got back to the office and saw my boss in the break room, he commented on how nice my pedicure was (though I saw the concern in his eyes when I showed him my poor chin).

“Looks like you’re getting ready for a hot date,” he said.

“Well, remember I’m heading to Birmingham next week and might get a chance to meet Taylor Hicks.”

He shook his head and grinned. “You’re weird.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Having a madwoman rip skin off my face because I was trying to rid myself of horrendous facial hair didn’t have my self-esteem low enough…I appreciate that.”

“Well, what I meant was…”

“No, that’s okay. Don’t backpeddle…you said it…stand by it.”

“I just don’t understand why you’d go through all this on the off-chance you will meet Taylor Hicks.”

And then I realized something…something important.

It wasn’t about Taylor. And it wasn’t about being vain.

It was about feeling good about myself…despite the fact that I’m overweight and will probably be considered an old fogey by all the teens at the concert.

I’ve never had a pedicure. Never had my face professionally waxed. I needed to get my hair cut and get new glasses anyway, so why not get a really nice haircut and try wearing contacts again?

Women do all these things all the time…why should I apologize for wanting to do them now. I deserve to treat myself…to be the best Shelley I can be.

Taylor Hicks or no Taylor Hicks.

I explained my epiphany to my boss as sincerely as I could.

Then he grabbed a Coke from the break room fridge and headed back to his office with a smile. “I still think you’re weird.”

And I guess I am…in a freak show sort of way.

I wonder what bearded ladies pull in these day?

Attention America’s Got Talent Fans: I will be doing a recap after tonight’s results show…probably by the weekend.

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36 Responses to “The Waxing from Hell”

  1. nolagirl Says:

    Ok, girl, this is the funniest blog yet for me! I mean, seriously, I can’t even pick out what was the funniest b/c I was laughing out loud the whole time! Partly b/c I feel your pain. Not on the chin, but I do get the brow wax. (Peggy is so right, and I think the SAME thing every time they start tweezing after waxing – I could do that shit at home, you idiot!) It’s also funny — and endearing — that you are primping for Taylor (err… I mean … for *yourself* for Taylor?). I will most likely do the same thing in Sept., b/c let’s face it, there’s a good chance nothing intelligent or funny will end up coming out of my mouth on the off chance I meet him, so I at least have to look cute. And plus, I like all that girly crap anyway.

    Now I have to make myself stop laughing and ask how your chin is today. I am hoping it looks like pure heaven.

  2. TALK! Says:

    Thanks for asking, NOLA. Considering I had to go home and clean up the raw meat that is my chin (i.e. finish removing all the hair because I have a follow-up dentist appointment today)…it’s doing well.

    It’s still pretty red and very tender but I just didn’t put any make-up on it so it would heal (hopefully) by next week.

    Glad you liked the post. It was fun to write! 😉

  3. patrickkadiddlehopper Says:

    Hey Talk, I don’t know about waxing, but yesterday night I had a heck of a time shaving! I didn’t put enough cream on and ended up cutting the crap out of my face. But I came away with a totally kick-butt goatee in my “goatee area” lol. I’ll tell you what I would’ve done to that lady for being such a piece, I would’ve made her eat the boiling wax! YEAH THATZ RIGHT!! A little harsh, yes, but a small price for the kind of gall she showed.

  4. TALK! Says:

    Patrickkadiddlehopper…you’re my hero.

    Maybe next time I’ll take you with me to the salon so you can rough her up! 😉

  5. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Okay I’m tearing up…but not with laughter. Sure I laughed through most of the post…but the ending really touched me Shelley. I think it is never too late to improve and/or re-invent ourselves. I rue the day I quit caring about myself…when I just give up.

    Man, Taylor has really done a number on all of us hasn’t he? I recall that you attribute this blog, and your renewed interest in writing for pleasure, in GC. If there were no Taylor…there would’ve been no GC. If no GC, then no Talk! If no Talk! I’d be one sad clown. Thank you Taylor! Thank you GC! Thank you Shelley!

  6. TALK! Says:

    Bama…you always make my day! Thanks so much.

    Yes, Taylor HAS done a number on us all.

    I wonder if he really realizes how much he has touched us?

    I’m kind of a sexist at times (despite having three brothers)…wondering how affected men are about how their actions contribute to the emotional upheaval of woman in general.

  7. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I think men are, for the most part, completely clueless to how their actions and words affect us. I know for a fact that you could spend hours primping, getting your tails and nose done ;), picking out the perfect outfit…and all they will be aware of is that you look great. Still, it’s so worth it to hear them tell you so…

    I re-read Tay’s interview w/GC last night and was curious about why he side-stepped the questions about his demographics. I know it’s “all about the music” but it’s also a little about the charisma, charm and his sex appeal…and personally I don’t think there is anything wrong with embracing all of it. (I would sure like to embrace all of him!)

  8. TALK! Says:

    Amen, sister.

  9. Quossum Says:

    Okay, okay, okay, totally ROTFLMAO on this one! Best. Entry. Ever. It had humor, and yet it also had heart. Keep it comin’, sister!

    (I think most men don’t notice these little details, to be truthful with you. They take in the gestalt and don’t realize the components that make it up. In other words, an abundance of other quality features will cancel out a few stray hairs in the big picture.)

    Seriously–great epiphany. It’s gotta be for you, girl. Dat’s what it’s all about.

    –Q

  10. nolagirl Says:

    Had to come on here and tell you that I freaking dreamed about getting my brow wax last night and they totally botched it up! Thanks for the nightmare, Shelley! 😉

  11. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Hahahaha! That’s hilarious Nola! I didn’t dream about it, but I’ve been thinking about it ever since I read it.

  12. TALK! Says:

    UPDATE ON CHIN CRISIS

    The chin is looking much better today…however, the old battle ax waxer removed every bit of moisture from that part of my face and now its peeling like crazy.

    I think, however, it will be alright for next week.

    Sorry for no new post today…I was so tired last night and hit the bed…hard.

    I’m going to work on my AGT recap for tomorrow.

    Love y’all!

    P.S. Sorry for the nightmares. Bwa-ha-ha!

  13. Gray Charleshttp://www.graycharles.com/ Says:

    Wouldn’t it be easier to just step into a “full body dunk” of wax – get rid of it all and then start over?

  14. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Hey Gray-why don’t you go ahead and do that and let us know how well it turns out. Maybe you’ll start a new trend.

  15. TALK! Says:

    Gray…I’ve scheduled my appointment for this afternoon.

    So, in Birmingham…look for the bald chick with the “glowing skin” and cool drink in her hand.

    Man…Taylor won’t be able to take his eyes off me! (Nor, I suspect will anyone else.)

  16. nolagirl Says:

    Shelley – You might want to try so use a fairly gentle exfoliator on the “goatee area” (I STILL am all WTF about that one) following my some good moisturizing. Nothing too harsh or course that could cause more irritation though.

  17. nolagirl Says:

    I meant to say “followed by” above. Excuse me, I am dumb. It’s a Friday though, so it’s allowed. 🙂

  18. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Try olive oil. I know it sounds weird to put food on your face, (I personally prefer to put food in my face) but it’s very soothing and very moisturizing.

  19. PeggyisAmused Says:

    or should i say, peggyisUNamused. how could you turn this into something so funny? hehe. i laughed so hard when i finally made time today to stop and read this. that crazy old bitch that called herself TRYIN to wax your wil face needs to go her ass back to the nursing home she escaped from and pray she doesn’t break a hip and get the same treatment from her “care giver” that she gave you (or didn’t give you, as is the case).

    i just want to say one thing, and i know everyone will be so jealous when they read this:

    BOOYAH to all of you that love (and wish you knew) shelley, b/c i’m the one that gets to be here and experience her in 3D. and what a colorful ride it is. 😉

  20. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Peggy: color me envious.

  21. TALK! Says:

    awww…me wuvs peggeh!

    —-

    add to grocery list…OLIVE OIL!!!!

  22. double d Says:

    Ok, my Diet Coke just came through my nose. You’re gonna get me fired.

    I can SOOO relate. You are so damn hilarious!

    Poinagntly (sp?) funny. Sometimes it is about making yourself feel good and pedicures DEFINITELY fit the bill. I personally advocate a professional massage…works wonders.

    …remember, Shel, in the immortal words of Ricky Nelson…”it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well. You see, ya can’t please everyone, so ya got to please yaself.”

  23. double d Says:

    One more thing before I leave for the magnificent Redneck Riviera….remember your mission, Shelley…for me.

    I expect to have a full rundown of B’ham when I get back on Thursday. I’ll be doing some Karaoke on Tuesday night — Mr. Big Stuff as been suggested — so I’ll be thinking of you all and will hoist a bushwacker in your honor.

    PEACE.

  24. TALK! Says:

    DD…I’ll do my best to complete my mission.

    However…I have to say the thought of you singing “Mr. Big Stuff” makes me want to rethink B’ham and head to the “Riviera.”

  25. NOLAgirl Says:

    Awww, DD in da house!!! Have fun at the beach – I left the beach chair warm for ya! 😉

    And I have to know … what exactly is your mission, Shelley, other than the obvious that is?

    And I will one up DD in that I expect a full report THAT EVENING from you kids!

  26. TALK! Says:

    I can’t reveal my mission via blog. I’ll have to e-mail it to ya, NOLA.

    Oh…and you will be getting called THAT EVENING! Don’t worry, kiddo! 🙂

  27. NOLAgirl Says:

    OK, good. I am NOT WORRIED then! 😉

    (two can play the smart ass game, my friend!)

  28. TALK! Says:

    So wasn’t being a smart ass that time…I was trying my hand at a term of endearment with you.

    Failed miserable, obviously.

  29. NOLAgirl Says:

    Ok, here with go class, with Katie and Shelley’s Miscommunication 101 course! LOL (what is with us lately?!)

    I thought you were pointing out my use of the all caps to emphasize THAT EVENING, thus my all caps version of NOT WORRIED, to show you that I really am not stalking y’all about calling me with B’ham scoop. (ok, well maybe a little – ha!)

    Kiddo, whippersnapper, grasshopper – all are just find in my book. 🙂

  30. NOLAgirl Says:

    Oops, meant here “we” go at the beginning of previous post. (I am still dumb apparently! LOL)

  31. TALK! Says:

    me confused.

    me want only be understood. no misunderstoody.

    me don’t know what hell say next.

    me don’t know what hell say now.

    me love taylor hicks.

    —–

    me go to bed ‘cuase me tired.

  32. NOLAgirl Says:

    Yeah, I think the end of a long week is a bad time to write on a blog b/c I don’t think I am making any sense at this point! It’s all good girl – call me this weekend if you’re not too busy beautifying! 🙂

  33. Phile Says:

    Holy bleepin’ OW!!!

    I hope it’s feeling better by now. But very nicely done – I felt your pain, yet I laughed at it too!

    Have fun in B’ham :).

  34. suzi-q Says:

    Hey you “Honeys for Hicks” out there, y’all may think misunderstood but the hilarity of your comments is fantastic!!! I find this better than the daily paper on this wonderful Saturday morning. God bless to those of you traveling to the big city this week and those waiting to hear all the good news. Have a great time either way and I love “being a turtle” er, no, I mean I love reading “Talk” 🙂

  35. Anonymous Says:

    You are hilarious. Just wanted to say the next chin waxing you get or if you burn yourself on the stove(like I have done a lot) get some lavender lotion or shower gel that comes in a tube. Takes the burn away in a couple of minutes. My husband was even amazed when he burned himself on the stove.

    Keep up the good work. I’m glad I found your blog.

    Doris

  36. TALK! Says:

    Thanks, Doris.

    Lavender lotion will be on my next grocery list. 😉

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