America’s Got (Even Less) Talent

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Recap of “America’s Got Talent” for Aug. 1 and 2

FAIR WARNING…THIS REVIEW IS AS LAME AS THE SHOW BEING REVIEWED.

This past week’s episodes of America’s Got Talent were absolutely pitiful…the worst of “reality” T.V.

I can see why the groups that performed on Wednesday were the last to air. If America had seen these groups first, they never would have tuned in for the rest of the show.

Oh, and another fair warning, I won’t be writing where the contestants are from. The show is VERY inconsistent with this type of information…and since I can’t put a hometown with everyone…I won’t put one with any.

Performance Show

The show begins with a recap of the previous six winners: musical group The Miller Brothers, 11-year-old singer Bianca Ryan, acrobatic group Realis, Asian boy group At Last, yodeler Taylor Ware, and the most annoying person on the planet, The Rappin’ Granny.

Cue weirdo 80s intro.

Host Regis Philbin walks center stage and introduces the judges: David Hasselhoff in a fuschia shirt; Brandy wearing sex kitten Bettie Page bangs (yikes…where’s the whip), and Brit Piers Morgan.

Tonight we’re promised to see performances by a stripper and a quick change artist. Since when did taking off clothes become a talent…’cause I qualify. I practice taking off my clothes daily…usually before I shower…but not always.

Starting the show are John and Owen, The Passing Zone. They are two cute guys in their late 30s who look like they’re accountants (but who white water raft on the weekends). They are a comedy juggling act who have worked together for 18 years. (I want to date these guys…not just one, but both…I’d hate to break up the set.) Tonight they juggled…people. Now before you get all excited about this, let me explain that as cute as these guys are, this act was pretty lame. They took three volunteers from the audience and suspended them over the stage in space suites. Then, to the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey, they “juggled” these people, which was the equivalent of human tetherball. They ended the act with a huge American flag dropping from ceiling…and one of the jugglers waving a small British flag for Piers. Hasselhoff, who has declared all season his insane hatred of jugglers, gave a check to The Passing Zone while saying, “You have restored my faith in jugglers.” Brandy and Piers followed suit.

Celtic Spring (pictured above, second from right), a Celtic fiddling/Irish dancing family with six kids, played next. They performed “Farewell to Erin” with two of the boys and the three girls playing fiddles and dancing center stage while the mom and dad were the rhythm section and the baby brother came on stage to clap his hands. As the kids played and danced, they let out “yelps and whoos”…they were the Von Trapps on crack and were pretty amazing. Brandy and the Hoff gave checks. Piers gave an X and said they need to drop the baby brother and parents…making the youngest girl cry. But never fear, the Hoff is here. “Don’t you cry little girl,” the Hoff told her. I’m sure she felt comforted…there’s nothing like being told your parents and brother suck on national television and then being demanded to quit crying. I felt all warm and fuzzy.

Next were Sean and John, The Tapping Twins. These kids are street performers who slid onto stage and did a stepping/tapping routine. They were meh…but fairly entertaining…but they did need polish. They got three checks.

Contortionist Lilia Stepanova stepped on the stage with her bow and arrow, did a handstand on top of a podium, and then shot the bow and arrow with her feet…hitting a bull’s-eye about 20 feet away. Then she bent her body around backwards to make a perfect human circle. It was impressive, and she got three checks.

One-Man Side Show Dave Smith (pictured above, second from left) stands 6 feet, 6 inches tall…has very long dark hair…and was one of the most interesting…if not the most disturbing…acts of the night. Performing with him was a woman dressed like she’s into S&M. While he sang “Masochism Tango,” fire was eaten, whips were cracked…he laid upon a bed of nails while the chick broke cinder blocks on his stomach and then he ended up walkling barefoot over broken glass and nails. The audience (me included) physically winced. Brandy gave him a check (sometimes I just can’t figure her out) and Piers and the Hoff gave Xs.

Next was Quick Change, a husband and wife quick change illusionist team made up of David and Dania. They met 12 years ago and have been working together for almost as long. Their act was great…perfectly executed…entertaining…and the SAME EXACT ACT THEY DID IN THE QUALIFYING ROUND! I mean, it’s awesome that she changed clothes eight times in two mintues but I don’t see why the judges gave them three checks for doing the same thing they did previously.

George Kelly (pictured above, far right) was next. George is a singer and has the look of Enrique Iglesias sporting John “Uncle Jessie” Stamos hair…have mercy it’s a lot of hair. George sings Josh Groban‘s “You Raise Me Up”…and big hair or little hair…he stunk. (Why people insist on covering Josh Groban is beyond me…I mean, it’s friggin’ Josh Groban.) George’s rendition is horribly flat and nasally. I hated it. But the judges must have just finished smoking a joint because they gave him three checks.

Where’s Taylor Hicks when you need him? I need a Ford commercial about now.

Following George the music killer is Michelle L’amour (pictured above, far left)…burlesque dancer…and teacher of the art of tease. She came out dressed as a mechanic with KITT, the car from Knight Rider, on stage with her. Voiceovers of KITT and “Micheal” played along with the show’s theme song and Michelle stripped and shook her VERY large hips while children in the studio audience were visibly upset by the act and covered their eyes…no lie. Whose idea was this? Poor kids. And poor everyone else subjected to this trash. Of course the Hoff loved it and gave a check. Piers and Brandy gave Xs.

King Charles Unicycle Troup took the stage next. They were billed as the Harlem Globetrotters on wheels…but they should have been billed as the worst act of the night. I can’t even tell you what they were trying to do. They were all over the stage and gave a messy performance (and I’m being nice). Thankfully the judges felt the same way and gave them three Xs. At least the troup members were good losers.

The final act of the night was Desperation Squad…a self-proclaimed loser band that has been around 20 years and has, I swear, the oldest living lead guitarist I’ve ever seen (and yes…I’m counting Keith Richards). I think he was Santa Claus sans beard. I’ve already wasted enough time typing about them. They were terrible and uninteresting. Their lyrics were “Band. Band. We’re a band. Band. Band.” And the performance ended with the lead singer putting on a weird panda head. The Hoff gave a check (Huh?), and Brandy and Piers gave Xs.

Sadly, there wasn’t a single Ford commerical all night…I was thoroughly pissed that I had wasted two hours of my life on this colossally moronic show.

The judges’ choice for the evening was Passing Zone, but before closing the show, viewers were subjected to the worst set-up in the world.

Regis asked the Hoff what he thought of the acts that night. The Hoff said, “I can sing better than the adult singers on this show.” Then Piers and Regis challenged him to sing on the live show the next night.

Did anyone believe this crap? Certainly no one thought this WASN’T staged. If they did then they are idiots.

I hate television…but why can’t I quit watching!!!!????

I don’t think anyone deserves to go through to the finals from this group, but my guess is America will chose the Tapping Twins, Lilia, Quick Change, or Celtic Spring.

Live Results Show

If Wednesday’s show was horrible…Thursday’s live results show was vile.

Passing Zone returned to the stage to perform again.

YAWN.

The unicyclists, Dave Smith, and Desperation Squad were eliminated.

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

The “Crazy Caliber Talent” theme for the week was musical body parts.

Please make this go fast…it’s killing me.

The Great Stamen Show is a Bulgarian who plays his teeth with his fingers. Pretty cool…for about five seconds.

Skylar Aud sings love song while breathing in helium from balloons tied to his shoes with long ribbons. This has to be the most embarrassing thing a human’s ever done to be on television. I would strip to my bare ass and do jumping jacks on the nightly news before I would do this. They guy couldn’t even get a decent lungful of helium, so he sounded just like some random guy singing some random song. Regis took a balloon from him afterward and kicked his ass with the Regis Helium Voice. Even Skylar’s mama had to be hiding in shame after that.

Sami Pryor is a cute little girl who will have lost all her hearing by age 10. Her “talent” was to clap/suction her hands over her ears to “The Blue Danube.” Why her parents let her damage her eardrums like this is beyond me. I hope someone has called children’s services on these people.

Little girls Alexis and Alecia performed a duet to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Both dressed for Sunday School, Alecia started the song by singing sweetly and was joined by Alexis on various lyrics with long, loud, disgusting burps…the kind usually issued by burly construction workers.

The studio audience chose The Great Stamen Show as the “Crazy Caliber Talent” winner of the night.

By now I was praying that the show would end soon…or actually become entertaining…but neither happened, as Tom Green rolled onto the stage wearing a helmet and riding a skateboard.

He was there to perform a “trick,” where he was to ride the skateboard up a ramp and through a ring of fire. He did just that and landed off stage. Then “Tom” came running from the side of the stage engulfed in flames and ran back off stage where he was “extinguished” and then walked back out in burnt clothes.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. How funny. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Tom Green has succeeded in being as funny as he has been in every other skit I’ve seen him in.

I wish they hadn’t put him out.

Then Cirque du Soleil performed. Some Sharon Osborn wannabe sang some German song while a some Britney Spears wannabe in a slutty school girl outfit hung from a rope while Hoola Hooping and proving to her parents back home in Iowa that “See, Mama, I can have a career with my Hoola Hoop! I’m a big star.”

Back to what the hour-long show was to accomplish…name a winner. And, after whittling down the group to Quick Change and Celtic Spring…we learned that the Irish dancers got the winning number of votes.

Then, finally, we got what we’d been promised…a performance by the Hoff. He got on stage (again with KITT) and ended the show by lip synching his single “Jump in My Car.” Not only is he the worst lip syncher I’ve ever seen (he forgot to keep singing when he started dancing with Brandy in the middle of the song) but at the end, his mic cut ON and in the biggest show of cheese ever he held the last note for about 10 seconds…the funniest part was that he didn’t even sing the right note.

Ridiculous.

Next week is the wild card show…and I doubt that I’ll do a recap. This is some lame ass shit. Sorry folks.

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12 Responses to “America’s Got (Even Less) Talent”

  1. shrewspeaks Says:

    Please stop…I feel guilty for even suggesting it

  2. TALK! Says:

    Don’t feel guilty, Shrew. Truth be told…I’d be watching the show anyway. I’m fascinated by its horribleness. I’ll keep watching it to the bloody end…if for nothing else…for the Millers, At Last and…a little bit for Bianca Ryan. If one of these don’t win…then I’ll be pissed.

    Seriously though, what are your thoughts on this show? Do you think it can sustain? Are you cheesed at how “canned” it is?

    I couldn’t help but wonder about the whole KITT on stage thing. Do you think they asked L’Amour to do an act to the car since Hoff was going to sing and use the car as a prop or what? It was so staged that I actually gained appreciation for AI and how they at least try to mask all the “formula” they use.

  3. suzi-q Says:

    I have tears in my eyes FROM LAUGHING. Shell if nothing else your accounts are so dadgum entertaining, I think you should go on the show and read them:) hahahahahahahahahaahahahaaahhahahahahahah I promise I am still laughing. Love it:)

  4. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I wish I would have watch the trainwreck that is, The Hoff, perform! So sad that I missed it!

    BTW- Here are some of the rumored stars to be on this season’s “Dancing With the Stars”: Vivica A. Fox, Joey Lawrence (Blossom-whoa!), Mario Lopez (Saved By The Bell), Harry Hamlin (Lisa Rinna’s hubby), and Emitt Smith (former Dallas Cowboy, at least 3-time Superbowl champ).

    Doesn’t seem as fun as last year…except maybe Joey Lawrence.

    Hope you are having fun in Bham! Miss you!

  5. TALK! Says:

    Joey Lawrence!!!!

    Whoa!!!

    I LOVE him…very hawt.

    Harry Hamlin is a fun idea…but he seems a little “stick up the butt” kind of guy. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll surprise us.

    Let’s pray Vivica will cover those big ol’ mamma-jammas of hers. Yikes. I’m a little skeered at the thought of her costumes.

    As for Mario Lopez…I’d much rather have seen some Screech in a tux and tails on the floor. That would be worth flying to premier for!

    I’m totally clueless about Emmitt. Sorry.

  6. TALK! Says:

    Bama…just found an article listing all of the stars for this year.

    Entertainment Tonight Link

    Beware…Jerry Springer is one of this year’s contestants.

    GROSS!!!!!!

    But Tucker Carlson could be a lot fun. I’ve never seen him on t.v. but he looks like a cutie. 😉

  7. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Sick me out! I wouldn’t even want him touching me. Gross! What if Cheryl or Ashley has to dance with JS??

    I don’t even know who most of those people are. I hope it’s good this season. I’m skeered!

  8. TALK! Says:

    Ewww…I didn’t even think about that.

    Please don’t put Ashley or Cheryl with him!!!!

    I think he needs to be paired with that Russian chick…she’s hard core and wouldn’t take any of his disgustingness.

  9. bamaborntxbred Says:

    True. Think about their other choices though; Harry Hamlin, Mario Lopez, Emmitt Smith…blech! How cute would Joey be with Ashley though??

  10. TALK! Says:

    As long as there is some male/female pairing of Joey and Harry and Ashley and Cheryl, I’ll be happy.

    I couldn’t care less about Mario.

    And you know what’s going to irritate me to no end…when everybody cheers for Springer. I can’t stand him. I don’t even want to see his ugly mug on my t.v. I hope he Tatum O’Neal’s himself outta there!

  11. bamaborntxbred Says:

    You know everyone is gonna love him and Emmitt on spec. It doesn’t matter if they can dance (Master P). I can’t stand when people make it a popularity contest.

    Cheryl and Harry would make one toasty-tan couple. He might actually be good. That would be cool if she won again! Of course, Lisa Rinna is gonna be hangin’ around all over the place. She’s so annoying. At least Tatum was drugged or drunk or whatever…that was entertaining.

  12. TALK! Says:

    ROFL @ druggy Tatum!

    And, yes, Cheryl and Harry would be so purty to watch.

    But you can bet your sweet bippy that Lisa will be keeping a VERY sharp eye!

    HA!

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