Why My TV Smells Like Cheese

by


Okay…so I’m masochistic, but I just had to watch the stupid Wild Card show of America’s Got Talent last week…the cheesiest cheesefest to ever come across the airwaves to my television.

So pungent a cheese is this program that my house smelled like Limburger for three days after the results show.

Shrew…I forbid you to feel guilty in any way, shape, or form…you are totally absolved from any blame for me watching the show or doing this write-up. I’m just one of those people who can’t stand to even miss the end of a movie…so after this write-up and the one from the finale this week THEN I’ll be done. Okay?

This past week gave a second chance to 10 previous contestants who didn’t win their rounds to make it to the show finals. The contestants were chosen by the judges and by the viewing audience (well, by their earlier vote counts, at least).

David Hasselhoff is looking pretty good this week…great hair…no glasses…his cast has been removed. Very nice.

Brandy, as always, looking very pretty. Piers Morgan, as always, looking…exactly the same. (For a guy judging a variety show…Piers desperately lacks variety in his wardrobe).

The first returning act is magician Nathan Burton, whom I love. He had previously lost to Bianca Ryan. He begins on a darkened stage in spotlight and sitting on a stool. He takes a single napkin, tears it up, and creates a snowflake (obviously he’s setting us up for a bigger trick). He then stuffs the snowflake in a glass of water and wrings it out then rubs his hands together and makes “snow” shoot from his hands. It’s actually pretty cool. Then he makes a girl on a snowmobile appear on stage. He gets three checks from the judges and one big “Santa Claus is coming to town” from the Hoff (ewww). And then Piers and David make fools of their middle-aged selves going gah-gah over the pretty magician assistant girls on stage. Other than the disturbing leers from Old Man Morgan and Old Man Hasselhoff…the act is a lot of fun.

Piers then brings back Bobby Badfingers, a guy who snaps his fingers like castanets on speed. He stands between a guitarist and banjo player who begin to play “Dueling Banjos” and Bobby snaps like he’s never snapped before. He’s dressed all in black and is wearing a fedora. It sounds weird (which it is) but it’s also pretty impressive…yet boring. Bobby dances down the catwalk and snaps in the judges’ faces. Brandy looks astonished at his ability. Then he high fives all the judges. He’s got lots of energy, and he’s got three checks from the judges…but as far as having a life-long career as a snapping performer…um…I’m saying, no.

Two acts before the first commercial. I feel we are moving along quite nicely at this point.

After the break, we get to hear Brandy’s first choice, Jessica Sanchez. Jessica is the only contestant whom America never had the a chance to see perform. She is an 11-year-old who was eliminated in an earlier show and Brandy wanted her to have a chance. She sings “I Surrender All” and really belts it. She has some flat notes but does a nice job on the bridge of the song. She gives it a lot of heart and gusto. Overall, it’s a good performance. She gets three checks from the judges and The Hoff, who will never be able to remove the cheese caked around his aura says what I can best figure out to be, “Ma-boo-hiy!”

Um…okay…

Next is a clogging group called All That and a Bag of Chips…just kidding.

The group is called All That Jazz…still kidding.

They’re All That Glitters Is Not Gold…you’re starting to get irritated now, aren’t ya? This pleases me.

The stupid group is simply… All That.

The five guys enter the stage from the ceiling, the side stage, and from the audience. They are in matching dark suits (because Piers said something dumb last time they were on the show that they needed to be classier or something stupid like that). They then start dancing (there is no music) and then they…gasp…take off their jackets and pants to reveal sleeveless black tees and cammo pants. They continue to dance (where’s the friggin’ music already?) and stay very much in sync (mmm…maybe All That wanted another name but it was taken?) They shake their butts…tremolo fashion (something I really didn’t need to see) and then the music begins…for about four bars. Back to no music. Fireworks shoot. The dance ends. They were great…I don’t know if I could sit through a whole concert…but what do I know is I wish it had been Taylor Hicks up there shaking dat butt…Woo! (Sorry, I’m obviously still on a Birmingham high). They get three checks.

Corina Brouder the ethereal harpist is The Hoff’s call back. This time instead of just Corina and her harp…she has brought her sister as her back-up singer and will play both the harp and piano…though, sadly, not at the same time. David Hasselhoff is practically giddy with glee over her being on the show again. It’s all he can do to not rush the stage with a dozen roses and proclaim his love to her in a sonnet. He’s already said umpteen times how beautiful she is…and each time you see her physically wince more and more. Where’s my Pepto Bismol when I need it? She sings “Danny Boy” in a very pretty Sarah McLachlan-style while playing the harp. Then, mid-song, she switches to the piano and sings “I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You” with her sister singing back-up. Huh? The performance is all over the map and her sister sings way too loud. She gets three checks but no one is really overjoyed…especially not I. Maybe she should let Hasselhoff take her out to dinner so the evening wouldn’t be a complete bust.

Next up is the illusionist duo, Quick Change. This is a husband/wife team (David and Dania) who change their clothes multiple times in a 2-minute routine. It’s really a cool act…but we’ve seen it already twice…and David and Dania hit the stage and give it a third-time’s-the charm effort. They had gotten reamed by the judges last time for not changing the act, but the only thing they did differently this time was some new music, a new wig for Dania, and a new dress for her at the end. The routine, which was at one time fun, is now very boring and they get reamed again by Piers, who gives them an X and makes Dania cry. Brandy and David say it’s still a great act and both give checks. Then The Hoff adds, “You don’t have to change one damn thing. I don’t care what you change into.” Um…Davie Baby…the entire act is called Quick Change…I think they do have to change several damn things and you really should care what they change into.

Piers’ second choice comes onstage next…Diversity. This is a singing group of three young high school girls…who absolutely cannot sing. They are the worst part of the night’s show. And to make matters worse…the song they chose to butcher is my all-time most hated song…“My Prerogative.” The judges give constructive criticism but then still give the girls three checks. This really bothers me, especially considering the next act.

Natasha Lee is an 8-year-old classical pianist and another audience choice (being that she lost to the singing group At Last). We are to believe she’s a prodigy but she’s not. However, you can tell she has practiced a LOT. She doesn’t play with any warmth or enthusiasm…just rote learning. In the middle of her classical piece…she stands…throws her entire 12-pound body against the piano bench to knock it over and begins to play some boogie woogie while singing “shake, baby, shake.” It was cute… but no cigar. David, who is in full cheese mode tonight, tells this little 8-year-old girl in the pink fluffy dress that she “kicked ass” and then he and Brandy gave her checks. Piers, on the other hand, said she couldn’t sing and, though she was a “great classical pianist” (a little exaggeration there, Piers) gave her an X. Okay, Piers was right, but my problem is that he gives this child an X when it’s so obvious she has practiced her little heart out…but the skanky high school girls above who couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket get a check? Huh?

Pffftttt…whatever. Thank goodness there is only one more week to go.

Alexis Jordan is Brandy’s second choice. She comes out and sings “I Believe,” which is pretty but very flat. Also, she is dressed in a strapless gown and she’s sporting a very Victoria’s Secret hairdo…did I mention…she’s 12. The judges are now just making things up as they go along. David gives her a check (thankfully we’re spared from another inane comment). Piers gives her a check, saying she’s brilliant (he is such a dingleberry), and Brandy, obviously embarrassed that she had picked this girl, gives her an X.

Finally, the last act…or as I like to call him…the laughing stock…Leonid the Magnificent. This guy obviously came from a cabaret at a gay nightclub. He drops onto the stage from a hoop to the song “I’m Coming Out” and begins to strip while hula hooping. Little kids in the audience cover their eyes (why were they even a part of this audience?) and Leonid just keeps removing clothes and adding hoops…

Wait…I have to stop the recap here to say something very important. I have counted at least five acts on this stupid show that have featured or were created around the hula hoop. ENOUGH WITH THE HULA HOOPS, AMERICA! HULA HOOPS ARE NOT A TALENT!!

Leonid ends in fringed lime green bike shorts/chaps (that’s the best I can describe them) and a tight tank top with a very low front that reveals black Xs over his nipples…and then…he hula hoops WITH HIS BUTT!

Note to self: Schedule appointment with therapist.

After his act, Leonid dons a bridal veil, lays on the floor, receives Xs from Piers and David and a check from Brandy. Then he marches down the catwalk and throws his bouquet…which The Hoff catches.

If the show hadn’t ended at this point…I would have gouged out my eyes.

The judges pick All That for their finalist choice…I wanted Nathan Burton, but then I guess I should just be happy they didn’t pick Leonid.

———–

Results Show

I begin the results show hoping America voted for Nathan Burton…but I have a bad feeling.

The show begins and we learn the guest act tonight will be Penn and Teller…my bad feeling grows stronger.

Regis comes out and introduces the judges. David is all evangelical tonight with a cross necklace so big I think my television is transmitting in 3-D. Brandy is sporting some nifty Native American Dream Catchers on her ears. And Piers…you guessed it…is wearing the exact same outfit he’s worn since the dawn of time.

First to be eliminated are Diversity (there is good in the world afterall), Corina Brouder, and, in a snap decision…Bobby Badfingers (sorry, I had to say that).

Up next is the Wacky Talent (a.k.a. Crazy Caliber Talent…a.k.a. The Worst Part of the Show).

Miles and Matt, the Sizzle Twins, take the stage. They are jugglers with a twist…they strip while juggling. First the shirts then the pants…down to pairs of Crazy Caliber boxers and then to fringed bikni briefs.

I have officially lost intelligence points.

Nikolo Ashford is a ninth degree blackbelt (code for…he has no life) who breaks boards and bricks on his unprotected groin (code for…he has no children). Performing to “The Nutcracker Suite”…Nikolo takes a sledge hammer to his groin (which is holding a brick) and then two guys ram a 2×4 up his crotch.

I am so glad there is no such a thing as Sympathy Karate Groin Pain Syndrome.

The next act is Jim McDonald…who comes on stage to show how well he can…hula hoop…

I’ll be damned if I’m gonna write one more thing about anyone playing with some dumbass hula hoop.

Paul Abahash is the Rubberband Kid…and my favorite act of the night. He sharp shoots with a rubber band to the Lone Ranger theme music and hits targets on a guy’s head and in the air (skeet shooting style). He’s amazing. I can barely manage getting my scrunchy in place without hairlipping myself…kudos to Paul Abahash for shooting a cup off of Regis’ head from 50 paces with an office rubber band.

Finally Dave Nakfoor gets on stage with a bowlful of hard-boiled eggs. He has audience members and the judges throw these eggs at him from throughout the theatre and he catches most of the them in his mouth. He holds the world record for catching eggs in his mouth (from up to 65 yards away). I’d be impressed if I wasn’t totally grossed out.

Dave Nakfoor wins the audience vote…even with egg on his face.

After the break, Penn and Teller come on and do some stupid act. I’d tell you more about it…if I really cared. But I don’t.

Then we learn the real reason little Jessica Sanchez was chosen for the Wild Card show…her father is soldier who has agreed to send a message to his daughter via satellite from Iraq. He says he’s proud of her and all I can think is…poor kid. She hasn’t seen her dad in who knows how long and then she has to hear his personal message while sitting on stage next to Leonid the Magnificent…all in the name of entertainment. And then Regis tells her she didn’t make the cut.

I cheer and break out into a version of “Hooray for Hollywood.”

Finally we learn that the two acts vying for the last spot in the finals are Quick Change and Nathan Buron. And after a video clip of Quick Change (making them perform the act for a fourth time would have been just silly) and another great performance by Burton…we learn that Quick Change got the public vote.

I’m pissed.

Nathan was robbed.

America is stupid.

For videos of all finalists…click here.

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7 Responses to “Why My TV Smells Like Cheese”

  1. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Dingleberry, hoolahoops and not a single jot of guilt!!! I wet my pants on this one…HYSTERICAL!!!

    Verification word of the day “xghefqdz”, the syndrom of being late for work, cause you just HAVE to finish reading Shelley’s latest masterpiece.

  2. TALK! Says:

    Shrew…so glad I didn’t make you feel guilty this week. 😉

    By the way…I love your verification words of the day. They crack me up.

    Oh, and “xghefqdz” is probably a contagious syndrome…as I’m late for work pretty much every morning.

  3. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Thank you for sacrificing your sanity by watching “America’s Suckiest Talentless Show”, because I looooove your re-caps!!!

    I wish they would just have Regis onstage reading your recaps instead of actually airing the show. It would prolly mean higher ratings. (I, for one, would be watching!!)

    P.S. Yay for Heather winning HK!

  4. TALK! Says:

    I think I knew Heather would win when she burned her hand and still kept her kitchen together.

  5. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I thought that way back then too. Of course, I did think Gordon had a “thing” for little missy, so I wasn’t sure….

  6. TALK! Says:

    bama…did you see my comments on previous AGT recap about Dancing with the Stars?

  7. suzi-q Says:

    Tears, tears of laughter, and HISSING with a hand hang time of at least 15 seconds for the recap specialties. Side aches, tears of laugher, nose running, gasping for breath (reckon I could vie for talent, I can at least carry a h___ h___ ! This is the absolute funniest write up I have ever read.
    U R the Best!!!

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