The TALK! Awards for Outstanding Emmy Achievement

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Okay…by now you’ve heard who won what on the 58th Annual Prime Time Emmys…so I won’t bore you with those details.

Instead, I wanted to present the TALK! Awards for my favorite moments from Sunday night’s show.

And here they are…

Biggest Ass on the Red Carpet: Interviewer Billy Bush
Seriously…how does this guy keep getting these gigs? He’s an idiot and shouldn’t be behind a mic…unless it’s to bid a fond adieu to Hollywood. He asks the dumbest questions and makes all who he interviews uncomfortable. Get the hook and pull that man off camera. Boo!

Best Destroyer of Billy Bush: Jeremy Piven
My new hero is Jeremy Piven (whom I love anyway in any role he plays) for singlehandedly squashing the bug that is Billy Bush. Instead of asking a question relevant to any of the work Piven had done (he was nominated…and ended up winning…for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy for his role in “Entourage”), Bush chose to ask Piven if he’d seen baby Violet, daughter of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, on the set of his new movie with Garner. Piven quipped back, “I don’t go hunting for baby celebrities. I have 116 other things to do. Thank you, Billy.” Being a total lunkhead, Bush didn’t take the hint to drop the subject and went on to ask if Piven had seen babies Shiloh and Suri. To which Piven replied, “You need another job. You have potential as a human being. (Interviewing) may not be right for you. Can you focus on other things?”

I am now in love with Jeremy Piven.

Best Frankenstein-Shaped Head: Paul Abdul
Please, would someone get this woman a new stylist?

Best Running Gag: Bob Newhart in Airtight Container
To keep the usually long-winded awards show to its proper 3-hour time limit…producers cued the music on acceptance speeches without apology. But better than that…host Conan O’Brien brought out Bob Newhart sealed in a giant airtight container, which contained exactly 3 hours worth of air…so, if they show ran long…Bob would suffocate to death. The gag was lame but Newhart made it work as only he can. His deadpan expressions are the best in the business. I cracked up every single time the cameras cut to him in that stupid container. Genius. (By the way…the show ended right on schedule…and Bob lived.)

Daffiest Moment: Blythe Danner
Upon winning her Emmy for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama for her role in “Huff,” a very frazzled Blythe Danner got up on stage and stumbled and bumbled through her acceptance speech, forgetting the names of the other nominees in a very ungracious manner and then, when the music began to cut her off, she said, “We don’t want that poor man to drown…or suffocate.” That poor man? Does Blythe Danner NOT know who Bob Newhart is?

Best Acceptance Speech: Greg Garcia
Winning Best Writing for a Comedy Series for the “My Name is Earl” pilot, Greg Garcia took the stage and said, “I don’t have time to thank everybody that I should so I thought it would be easier to mention a few people I do not want to thank. My eighth grade social studies teacher told me to sit down and shut up because I wasn’t funny. No thank you, Mr. Macadoo. My boss when I was a P.A. on the show ‘Step by Step’ who made me clean gum off the executive producer’s shoe, no thank you, ma’am. Tonight I do not share this with you. And finally, God…I’m sure you’re responsible in some way, but you took my hair and that’s not cool. Not cool.”

The Most Inappropriate Display of Chest Hair: Simon Cowell
I was already pissed that Simon Cowell would be presenting a special award to Dick Clark (who recently suffered a stroke) but when he walked out with his shirt unbuttoned to his navel, I almost puked. However, other than the chest hair debacle, Cowell kept all of his bravado in check and gave a very gracious and sincere presentation. It was nice to see him be human for the night. Who knew?

Most Fitting Tribute: Tribute to Dick Clark
It could have been so easy to have tears rolling when the tribute was made to Clark…but, I’ll bet, the world’s oldest teenager wouldn’t have it that way. He was on stage to accept the award, looking pretty great considering his condition. Though his speech is slurred and he is just learning to walk again, his wit is still sharp and he poked fun at his condition. And before a single tear could be shed, the producers showed a fantastic montage of American Bandstand from over the years and brought Barry Manilow out to sing the theme song (which Manilow wrote)…and, as you know, no one can be sad when the Bandstand song plays…We’re goin’ hoppin…We’re goin’ hoppin’ today…Where things are poppin’…The Philadelphia way…We’re gonna drop in…On all the music they play…On the Bandstand…Band…stand. Very nicely done.

Worst Accessory: Candice Bergen’s belt
Usually an impeccable dresser, Candice Bergen made the worst of mistakes by chosing this Southwestern monstrocity of a belt that made her look like her mid-section spanned a breadth of 5 feet. I half expected to see “Wide Load” written across her ass. Bag the belt next time, Bergie.

Sexiest Delivery of a Line to a Dead Guy: Joan Collins
Looking fabulous and proving that she’s every bit as divaliscious as she ever was, Joan Collins stole the stage from Heather Locklear and Stephen Collins in their memorial tribute to the late Aaron Spelling. Of Spelling, she naughtily purred, “He understood everything from scripts to skirts…because he understood that both really mattered.”

Best Reunion: Farrah Fawcett, Kate Jackson, and Jaclyn Smith
It wasn’t until this tribute that I realized how much influence Aaron Spelling had on my life. From “The Love Boat” to “Fantasy Island” to “Starsky & Hutch” to “T.J. Hooker” to other wonderful shows, Spelling produced many of the shows that helped shape me (and probably most everyone else my age) into who I am today. Of all his shows, perhaps my most favorite was “Charlie’s Angels.” So when the three original Angels walked onto stage to pay tribute to Spelling…I went crazy! All three looked beautiful (dazed…but beautiful). You could tell there was no love loss between the three women (they kept looking off stage while each was speaking), but surprisingly Farrah was moved to tears. I thought it was wonderful…a little strained and weird…but wonderful, nonetheless.

Best Foul Mouth: Helen Mirren
Wearing a beautiful white gown, Helen Mirren took the stage to accept her award for Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie for “Elizabeth I” and…after gingerly climbing the stairs…looking angelic…she got to the microphone and announced, “My great triumph is not falling ass over tit as I came up those stairs.” Funny thing was, with her British accent…it sounded bizarrely elegant.

Best Camera Cut-Away Cut-Up: Brad Hall
Breaking the “Seinfeld” curse by winning an Emmy, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss was a little bumfuzzled when accepting her Lead Actress in a Comedy award for “The New Adventures of Old Christine.” While giving her thank yous, she began crying and said she knew she was forgetting someone important. The camera cut immediately to her husband, actor Brad Hall, who looked in the lens and smiled as if to say, “I’m the one she’s forgetting.” The audience laughed and Julia, who was still lost in the moment, didn’t understand the laughter until someone off camera told her. Then she smiled and thanked her husband. It was the most sincerely sweet and humorous moment of the evening.

Most Deserved Emmy: “The Office”
Steve Carrell was robbed of his Emmy for Best Lead Actor in a Comedy, and John Krasinski and Rainn Wilson were both overlooked for nominations in the supporting actor categories. So, when “The Office” took the prize for Best Comedy Series…I screamed with unabashed glee.

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13 Responses to “The TALK! Awards for Outstanding Emmy Achievement”

  1. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Okay…Here is the deal. This is how good an actress Ms. Danner is. Her characters are usually, droll witty women or melencolic bells, right?

    I was her dresser some years ago at Williamstown Theater Festival. What you witnessed last night…the real deal. She is really like that in real life! But may I also say, she was increadibly kind; even if she couldn’t remember my name. She called me her little dresser girl, even weeks after I moved on…even after I performed in the caberet…singing my heart out as Audrey to “Suddenly Semore” from Little Shop of Horrors” while applauding madly she yelled at the top of her lungs “WAY TO GO MY LITTLE DRESSER GIRL!” Odd? YES, but still kind.

    Verification Word of the day “wakif”, the sound I made when I learned that John Krasinski was not nominated for his fine work on the office. I also made this sound when Carrell did not win and when Manillow won.

  2. TALK! Says:

    Okay, Shrew…I honestly don’t know what to address first.

    Do I…

    1. Apologize for criticizing Blythe Danner and say I should have been much more forgiving of her behavior (She did, afterall, look fabulous in her green dress last night.)

    2. Stare in stunned disbelief that you KNOW Blythe Danner.

    3. Pick my slack jaw from off my chest that you are a stage performer who has tackled one of my favorite characters…Audrey.

    4. Marvel at the wonder that is Shrewspeake who, not only performs on stage, but who has celebrities cheering her on.

    I’ll do all for at once.

    Sorry/Stare/Pick-Up/Marvel

    For the record, I, too, think Blythe is a fabulous actress.

    Thanks for letting us know her oddballness was just that…and not intended as ungracious or unkind. 😉

    Now, dish. Who else do you know…you little starlet, you!

  3. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I’m a little star-struck too Shrew. I’m obsessed with Blythe’s daughter Gwenyth.

    Shelley- I am hanging my head in shame this morning. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror b/c of what I did last night…sigh…I turned off the Emmy’s at 8:30 and went to bed. The horror! The shame! I’ve never, ever done something so dreadful in my life. I can’t believe I turned off the tv before they got to the “good awards”. I was just sooo tired. And I got to see Evangeline Lilly and Wentworth Miller together and thought I’d have the most pleasant of dreams after that. (Pretty, so pretty.)

    Please don’t tell Steve Carell or John Krazinski that I didn’t see their show win. My favorite show on tv right now. Sad….

    P.S. I saw Little Miss Sunshine this weekend. Great. Different kinda role for Steve, but absolutely loved this movie.

  4. TALK! Says:

    NOLAgirl…I can’t even look you in the eye right now.

    GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!

    Just kiddin’. I wish I had gone to bed. I was so pooped this morning after watching the show and staying up to write post that I only managed to walk a third of a mile (I’ve been doing 1 full mile).

    Oh well.

    ===

    My brother, Ben, and Hattie saw “Little Miss Sunshine” and said it was great. They also said it was a departure for Carrell…albeit a good one. Of course, they loved Toni Collette (who doesn’t!?). I’ve gotta see that movie.

  5. bamaborntxbred Says:

    NOLAgirl???!!! You mean Bama??

    You must be tired!

    Love Toni Collette. “Muriel’s Wedding” is in my Top 50.

  6. TALK! Says:

    Sorry, Bama…I had just sent an e-mail to NOLA and she was on my brain.

    Of course I meant you, sweetie! I’m sorry.

    Very tired…yes.

    “Muriel’s Wedding” = brilliant

  7. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Dat’s okay.

    “Talk!”=brilliant

  8. TALK! Says:

    awww…

    cockles of my ❤ = warmed

  9. bamaborntxbred Says:

    What’s a cockle?

  10. BOSLEY Says:

    The CHARLIE’S ANGELS reunion was a wonderful surprise but clumsily executed. Aaron Spelling was a television institution, yet the clip retrospective was so shabbily produced that I half-thought it might’ve been yanked from some hack’s YOU TUBE posting five minutes before airtime! Spelling and the Angels deserved better.

  11. TALK! Says:

    Bosley…I totally agree.

    It wasn’t enough that Farrah looked fabulous…or that Jaclyn wore that low-cut gown better than anyone half her age could…or that Kate Jackson has aged to purrfection.

    I demand justice for our Angels.

    Fire the YouTube Hack of a Montage Editor!

  12. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Awe shucks Shells…it doesn’t count if the celb in question only knows you as “My Little Dresser Girl”…she wouldn’t even know me if she fell over me. And I agree with your observations, but I also know her limitations (It is a wonder she can even remember her lines in a full 2 hour play)

    As for Gwenney…sweet kid…takes after her clever and kind father, Bruce Paltrow. But then again..she DID name her kid “Apple”…that must have been the Blythe “daffy gene” kicking in.

    And for my electrifying Audrey…well, that moment of performance art has passed…much the the delight of all who suffered through it. I was a classically trained Shakespearian Comedian…soo, singing was not my strong point, but hell if I couldn’t get a spot out! or be a SHREW!

    Love to ya!

    I may miss the next week…I am flying to San Jose for my Taylor experience…I will report back my friend!

  13. TALK! Says:

    I can’t wait to get all the ooey gooey sexy details when you return, Shrew.

    Have fun!

    Word Verification: iozdxr…the palpable electricity in the air just before Taylor hits the stage.

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