Why I Almost Peed My Pants in the Kroger Parking Lot Today

by

krogertaylor.jpg

So I’m driving around the Kroger parking lot today…looking for a space so I can go in and buy some grub…when out of my passengerside window I see a flash of gray hair.

As many of you know…and probably can totally relate to…since January, Taylor Hicks has become responsible for the surge in America of hypersensitivity to gray heads. Even the briefest of glimpses from the corner of my eye will cause me to whiplash myself as I spin my head to see who is underneath said gray hair. It doesn’t matter if I know Taylor is in another state, performing live on stage, and streaming video is being sent directly to my brain…I still turn to look…’cause…you know…doppleganger….or teleportation…or something.

The point is, I would kick myself to death if I didn’t look and then I heard that gritty soulful drawl yell to me as it drove away behind tinted windows, “You had your chance, Shelley…you fool…I was borrrrnnn by the riiiiverrrrr…”

So today…when I saw that tuft of gray hair shining in the sun…perched on top of a frame that had pones and meaty calves…I had to look.

Of course, it wasn’t Taylor…he’s in Texas (damn you Texans). And it’s a good thing it wasn’t Taylor…because I wouldn’t have stopped staring…and I would have hit the security guard driving around the lot in his little patrol cart. As it was…I just gave him a tiny scare as I almost grazed his cart.

I don’t think he was appeased with my “I’m sorry” smile and wave.

Oh well. I couldn’t worry about his hurt feelings because, of course, I had to get a picture for all y’all.

Not stopping to think that I looked like a total stalker…I rummaged through my purse for the camera (which I started carrying when I began blogging). As I turned up the aisle where the fake Taylor was, I rolled down my passengerside window…not considering that my blaring stereo, playing a tune by The Ditty Bops, would cause the guy to LOOK UP!

But it did.

I quickly threw the camera down and drove past…praying he hadn’t seen what I was up to.

I made the loop around the row and came back up…this time with the stereo turned down. I approached slowly…knowing I only had one last shot at getting the picture.

Yes…his back was to me. I eased up…and just as I snapped the shot…the fan belt on my air-conditioner started squealing like Arnold the Pig on Green Acres.

Before Fake Taylor could turn around…I ditched the camera and turned to face the front…quietly mouthing, “Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.” while fumbling with the a.c. controls with one hand, rolling up the window with the other, and steering with my knees.

I think maybe the women loading their groceries next to Fake Taylor saw me…that would explain why they were pointing and laughing.

Geesh…the things I go through for y’all.

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63 Responses to “Why I Almost Peed My Pants in the Kroger Parking Lot Today”

  1. Nicholas Borelli Says:

    Funny post. Thanks.

    When I read your bio you said you read books with pictures. Well, my book has one picture. You can see it at http://www.nicholasborelli.com.

    The first chapter is excerpted there. Let me know what you think.

    Regards,

    Nick Borelli

  2. shrewspeaks Says:

    The big question is…is faux Tay single?

  3. Holeigh Says:

    LMAO, that is awesome, Shell…thank you so much for risking public humiliation to share this with us. 🙂 (And I always take a second look at the gray hair now, too!)

  4. TALK! Says:

    Shrew…it’d be nice if he was…he was cute! But…seeing that he was in his mid- to late-40s and he was driving a huge SUV to the supermarket…I’m guessing he isn’t single. ;(

    Holeigh…anything to bring a smile to y’all’s faces! 🙂

  5. shrewspeaks Says:

    Hey I am 37 with and SUV and single…you gotta look in the basket…look in the basket!

  6. TALK! Says:

    ROFL!

    Next time I will!

  7. double d Says:

    Shelley, I about peed my pants…WOO!

    However, I should inform you that my mindless Sunday scouring the internet uncovered the rumor that Taylor flew down to Biloxi to see Jay Leno at the Beau Rivage, so he might have TECHNICALLY been in Mississippi.

    I wonder if faux Taylor is “sensitive” to people watching him as it’s happening to him alot.

    Hil-ar-eeee-us!

    Love it.

    dd

  8. suzi-q Says:

    Shell, anyone that can wind a tale around a grocery parking lot is the best of writers!!! You actually had me thinking the FT was the Real Tacoy:) And was stalking you just trying to check out ur hood!!!

  9. TALK! Says:

    DD…if Taylor was in Biloxi and I wasn’t there to great him with a big pot of boiled crawfish and shrimp…I pull all my hair out!

    I laughed at your Leno reference. When I drove to B-Town last weekend to visit my folks, I saw the huge billboards for Leno at the Beau.

    Susie…you win the Official Prize of the Day for reminding us of the “Real Tacoy.”

  10. NOLAgirl Says:

    A ha! Might that be why Taylor wasn’t with LiMBO last night??? *whines*

    —–

    Shelley – What a trooper you are! You rock!

  11. Shrewspeaks Says:

    I just wanted to let you all know…I recieved my MonkBot T-shirts today and they are lovely!

  12. TALK! Says:

    Geesh…that was quick, Shrew.

    I’m so excited. E me a pic of you wearing one! 😉

    Shell

  13. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Nola- I feel your sorrow.

    Taylor did show up at the Galaxy Club. Only it was sometime after 2 a.m. The band was already packing up to leave. There were only a handful of Spers left hanging around. I, of course, was already at home crying myself to sleep b/c he hadn’t shown up to confess his undying love for me. I didn’t even know he made an appearance until this morning when I read the Boogie Board. I’m heartbroken…bereft…

    Somebody tell me something to make it all better.

    (Other than that, the AI show was super fun! Chris and Kat were the biggest disappointments and Lisa was the biggest surprise.)

  14. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Oh! Gosh Shelley! I’m so sorry…I totally didn’t even say how hysterical I thought this post was. I was laughing very loud…esp. at the part where faux-Tay turned around and looked at you…and my office mate was like, “OMG, are you on that girl’s blog again?” Haha! She knows if I’m laughing…I must be on Talk! That’s pretty cool, huh?

    Also- I’m all over the t-shirts! I can’t wait to see the Monkbot logo. I kept yelling “Dance Monkbot! Dance!” at the concert. It was funny…kind of…to me…yeah…ummm..okay.

  15. TALK! Says:

    Bama…I missed you!

    I’m sorry your eyes are all puffy and red from crying.

    Feel better, chica…you’re in the club with ME…the LOSERS WHO MISSED THEIR CHANCE TO MEET TAYLOR HICKS CLUB. 😦

    I know what you mean about the T-shirts…I can’t wait to see what Ben comes up with…I told him it was all up to him to design. Yeah!

  16. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Heh…”Dance MonkBot Dance”

    I think we have a new T-shirt design!

  17. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Well, Shelley, I guess it does make me feel a little better that I’m not the only person to “just miss” Taylor. I forgot about your B-ham story at da restaurant. I just keep thinking about how there were only a few people left at the bar…and I could have had a CONVERSATION with him…and I could have gotten a hug.

    I guess there’s no use cryin’ over spilt beer.

    I missed y’all too! (At the AI concert Kat said some phrase with the word y’all and she said “Oh, no. I’ve been in the South too long! I’m starting to sound like Y’aaaall” Or something to that effect. I just thought….”Get out then. We don’t want you here anyway.”)

    The little girls sitting next to me at the concert stared at me more than they watched the stage. I think I might have scared them just a little with the whole Monkbot thing. I was acting like a durn fool most of the night.

  18. TALK! Says:

    Bama…one day…the Monkbot will be ours…OURS!!!!

    Laughs maniacally.

    I’ll have to do a Dance Monkbot Dance shirt once I get Ben’s logo.

  19. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Oh, my good golly. A dancing Monkbot tee. I could die happy. The only thing that would make me happier is to meet the Monkbot himself!

    I’m so excited about the logo! Yay! Yay! Yippee! Squishy muffin bunnies! Yessss!

    Breathe…breathe…

  20. bamaborntxbred Says:

    P.S. Please fill me in on the Solid Gold Dancers reference….It must have passed me by somehow…

  21. TALK! Says:

    I think we need a Soul Patrol/Monkbot Division, Department of Squishy Muffin Bunnies.

    What say you? We could all be Squishy Muffin Bunny Special Agents. I think we’ll need badges.

    About Solid Gold Dancers…he says that in a song from the pre-Idol recordings. I’m trying to remember which one…DD…I KNOW you can tell us.

    “The Solid Gold Dancers…finally, y’all showed up.”

  22. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I do like a shout out to all the Squishy Muffin Bunnies in the world…and we are all definitely those…however, Soul Patrol/Monkbot Division, Department of Squishy Muffin Bunnies….is quite a mouthful. I wonder if we could fit all that onto one badge…it would have to be the biggest badge the world has ever seen. I’m down with it if you are!

    I cain’t member dat song ur talkin’ about. Wassup wit dat? I done lost my mind.

    P.S. Did you hear about Anna Nicole’s son?? Sad life, sad death. Sad.

  23. TALK! Says:

    I just saw that about Anna Nicole’s son…very sad.

    Um…make a badge…for kicks.

    I’m sitting here listening to all my Taylor songs trying to figure out which one had the saying in it. As soon as I find it…I’ll let ya know. 🙂

  24. Shrewspeaks Says:

    I think it maybe “Dance to the Music”…;)

  25. TALK! Says:

    That’s one of my favorites…I can’t believe I forgot that…hang on…let me give it a listen.

  26. TALK! Says:

    No…not “Dance to the Music.”

    I’m still trying to find it.

    Crap…now I’m obsessing over it.

  27. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Oooh. I wanna hear it too! I don’t have it. Where can I find it? Huh? Huh?

    You know, I think you guys are the best. I kept thinking the other day how much I wished you were all with me at LMBO…we woulda had so much fun together…

  28. TALK! Says:

    Aww…I think you’re the best, too. As a matter of fact…I think ALL of y’all are pretty damn great.

    I’m a really lucky chick to have so many fun and faithful readers/commentors.

    Okay…I’ll post the song on SendSpace tonight, Bama…but it’s the short (1 minute 54 second) version of Will It Go Round in Circles. The “dancers” comment comes right at the end (about 1:32 into the song).

  29. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Dang…that’s it…Will it Go round in Circles!

    I can’t wait for an event that we all can be at together too! God, help those who are not part of the MonkBot Division!!!

  30. TALK! Says:

    Amen, sister.

    Hey…if we find out that Taylor IS recording at Graceland…how about everybody converge at my house in Jackson and then we all storm the King’s castle?

  31. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I could do Graceland. Fer sure. That would be sooo cool…and not at all stalkeresque.

    We are Soul Patrol/Monkbot Division, Department of Squishy Muffin Bunnies…HEAR US ROAR!

  32. TALK! Says:

    Why do I suddenly feel like we are all characters in a Judy Blume book?

    “Are You There, Taylor? It’s Me, Shelley”

  33. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I loved Judy Blume books! However, I’ve never known a girl like Margaret…one that can’t wait to get her period. Whatever. That’s so weird!

    We should write our own children’s book. It could feature Monkbots, Squishy Muffin Bunnies, Evil Fembots and, ummm…oh yeah, Justin Timberlake.

  34. TALK! Says:

    Justin can be the troll living under the bridge that threatens to give EVERYONE PMS. 😉

    —-

    Yeah, Margaret was a dreamer…wasn’t she.

    I loved Blume books and was so excited years ago when she put out her first adult book. I bought it and began reading it and found it too racey for me. 😦 I ended up giving it away and not finishing it.

  35. double d Says:

    It’s “CIRCLES” peeps, from the 12/23 Workplay set.

    How soon we forget….

    BTW, I have a friend of a friend that’s a manager at Graceland. However, my money’s on Muscle Shoals. It’s the SOUL kun-NECK-shun!

    p.s. Got my Mobile LMBO tickets today!

  36. double d Says:

    Did you see Gray’s post today?….

    No damn comment section though. What fun is that!?! The Wiggles. hmpfh.

  37. double d Says:

    We should write our own children’s book. It could feature Monkbots, Squishy Muffin Bunnies, Evil Fembots and, ummm…oh yeah, Justin Timberlake.

    And kittens, let’s PLEASE not forget the kittens…AGAIN!

  38. suzi-q Says:

    Just imagine the gray-haired guy in the parking lot was looking for you Shell and his name is actually FauxTay Tacoy:) Wouldn’t that be a hoot!

  39. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Keetins! Awww! Da liddle keetins weel have to be included of course…and ice-cream.

  40. suzi-q Says:

    Thanks for the Prize of the Day, I’m honored, fer sure!!!!! Man doesn’t look bad in anything, not that I would know;) What I mean is he (the man) looks good in everything!!!

  41. TALK! Says:

    Awesome on getting the tickets, DD!!!

    And you’ll keep us posted on the word about Muscle Shoals and/or Graceland!

    I check Gray’s site two times a day and still missed this. Thanks for letting us know.

    I have to say, it’s not exactly the kind of post I was expecting for his first time posting since Workplay.

  42. double d Says:

    Ok, I’ve been thinking. (I know, you’re smelling smoke, haha.)

    Do you guys really think that Taylor’s going to include some of the original stuff that was on the first two CDs?

    I’m noticing how there’s little talk anymore about “Somehow” but I think that it is one of Taylor’s very best. It seems that of the people that get to talk with him (even fans), most don’t ask about the music. He supposedly gave 2 minutes from the stage for any questions…and you know what he got? “Are you single?” What kind of freakin’ question is that…then nothing…everyone was too star struck?

    Ok, another item on my to do list…Prepare intelligent questions to ask Taylor in case I run into him at Kroger or Blue Gill or wherever. Any suggestions? What INTELLIGENT questions do you guys have? Since we are the Monkbot Division, aka, smartest/snarkiest of the Soul Patrol.

    Let’s take this blog over 100 posts on the topic…c’mon!

  43. suzi-q Says:

    Here’s question 1 – Taylor did you know that you are probably the biggest hit since Elvis? q2 – Do you know that I’m your biggest fan? q3 – Have you ever seen the movie “Misery”? q4 – How are you at driving on a snowladen road on a mountain side? q5 Are you planning a trip to the Northwest for seclusion as you write more songs????? q5 – If so, in which mountain lodge will you be staying?? If you need backup singers would you give old Shelley girl a call? Her number is _-___-___-____:)

  44. double d Says:

    suzi…I’m worried about you…I’m picturing Kathy Bates with that sledge hammer and I’m wondering, “WHY? WHY?” Certainly, you’re not thinking about our innocent, sweet Taylor that way?

    Step away from the blog…hands up!

  45. TALK! Says:

    DD…I prepared a list of questions back when Gray was posting regularly. I’ll have to scrounge them up and see if any are remotely still (or were ever) interesting.

    As for Suzi-Q…I assure you…she means well. 😉

  46. TALK! Says:

    Okay, DD, I found them.

    Please understand…these were written WAY BACK…so many of them have now been answered.

    Here are my questions for my interview with Taylor. I’d love to ask these and then be able to write a feature on him for Entertainment Weekly or something. Ack, how cool would THAT be?

    1. Taylor, I understand you bought your first harmonica at the age of 15 or 16. Where did you get it and how much was it? What prompted the purchase and what was the first song you learned? Why the harmonica?

    2. In a previous interview, you said that when you were in your college classes, you would hear the muses calling for you to come back….they would “scream and kick.” What is it, exactly, that inspires you in your original music? Is the draw equally great for writing new music as it is for performing music…or do they go hand in hand? Describe your writing/creating process. Can you sing a little of the first song you ever wrote?

    3. You worked hard to put together a talented and well-oiled band, prior to trying out for American Idol. After all that work, it seems odd that you would venture out into such a public venue as an individual artist. What are the plans for the Taylor Hicks Band (now called the Little Memphis Blues Orchestra)? Will you be performing with them after your Idol stint? Will we hear them on your album? Was your plan all along to bring them along with you once you gained noteriety or have you moved on?

    4. You have said that you want to continue to write your own music. And Clive Davis has said that you “really have to move to the next step…and (be) involved in material” that can compete with today’s artists. He’s also noted your charisma and soul. Does this mean that we could hear some new Taylor songs on the upcoming album…or will we have to wait for your second album? And if you do plan to have originial material on the new album, will you write on the road this summer or do you already have ideas/beginnings/completed but unheard pieces in the till…waiting to be recorded?

    5. What will become of the two previous albums you produced? Will fans be able to purchase the original “In Your Time” and continue to be able to purchase “Under the Radar” or is there a possibility that you will rerecord or remaster these albums then rerelease? (If they won’t be available, will the songs from them be used on subsequent albums? Also, does LMBO reap any monetary benefit from the sale of these albums or songs?)

    6. Many adventures and challenges lay ahead now? What are you most looking forward to and what do you think your biggest challenge will be?

    7. Are there any artists that you hope to collaborate with? If so, who and in what way (recording, performing, writing)?

    8. A lot of your fans have a question that continues to surface about a piece of your attire…what is that black bracelet you always wear? What is its significance? And where can folks get one?

    9. Since all this began almost a year ago, what has kept you focused? Where do you go to find peace in all the mayhem?

    10. What are the top five songs you keep handy at all times so that, when you need them, they’re there to hear…be it in the car or on the mp3 player?

    11. Do you ever stop moving? Do you ever just take off your shoes and walk barefoot in the grass? What does Taylor Hicks do in those rare quiet waking hours to himself?

    12. Okay, we know you love Ray and Van but you’ve also said you like Cyndi Lauper and own a Wiggles album. What gives? Describe your musical tastes.

    13. What is your favorite piece of all your original material and why? (Details about when and why it was written)

    14. Okay, you’re a white boy with soul and a touch of the blues…how did that come about, being that you grew up the son of a dentist in suburbia? What in you made the connection with soul? Where did you gather your passion for type of heartaching music? Have you ever ached? (When? Why? What did you learn about yourself and your art?)

    15. Touring is obviously something you’ve wanted for a long time. But do you think you’ll ever long for the smaller, more intimate venues again? Why or why not?

    16. At the end of your days on this planet, tell me what the highlights of your life will be?

  47. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Questions for the man …hmmm good one…

    1. Was gospel music and influence?

    2. Earth, Wind and Fire to Little River Band…how does an artist reconcile those influences?

    3. How will smaller venues figure into your future plans (I know Shelley asked this already…but dammit it needs repeating)?

    4. You display a playful sense of humor…what cracks you up? what do you turn to for some giggles?

    5. What would you advise music loving fans to seek out that you have in your collection? What is the best Soul album, funk, newest, overall best, undiscovered, under-rated?

    6. How has the post confetti mania impacted you? Are you more wary of people?

    7. How did you like playing in stadiums? DId you feel a loss of KUN-NECK-SHUN?

    8. Do you feel constricted by an image that may or may not be true to who you are?

    9. Of all the great icons albums…whose would you most have wished you had been involved with and why?

    10. Did you want to smack Simon as much as I did during AI?

    11. On the Soul Patrol to become a “Parrothead” kinda group, what are your specific plans? How do you propose to unite all the many factions?

    12. Where you at the Kroger’s? Really?

    13. How does it feel to marry your AI life with your band? eg. Having Bucky, Chris, Ace & Elliott join the crew at the after hours parties?

    14. Lastly, not so much a question…but Thank you for being yourself!

  48. TALK! Says:

    Shrew…I couldn’t wait to read all of yours before posting this…

    Shrew said “Earth, Wind and Fire to Little River Band…how does an artist reconcile those influences?”

    ROFLMAO!!!

  49. TALK! Says:

    Shrew wins…great GREAT questions!

  50. Quossum Says:

    Great post, Shelley! I was LMAO. I think you should do a little more investigating into the whole “is faux-Taylor single” question.

    Speaking of questions, last night in Austin, the band was having some sound problems, and while they were working it out, Taylor said, “Okay, any questions? You’ve got two minutes!” I think people thought he was joking or else were struck dumb by his presence, for not many people yelled out questions.

    If only y’all had been there! =)

    –Q

  51. TALK! Says:

    Dammit…I wish we had sent you with Shrew’s questions!!!!! >;(

  52. rccola Says:

    Shelly,

    OMG, that was hillarious! I was crying laughing. I even asked my wonderful hubby to read it and he burst into a few loud outbursts. I’m hooked. (we loved to brass with ass, too) Thanks for the fun!

  53. TALK! Says:

    Thanks, RC…and welcome! 😉

    (Be sure to tell your hubby I said “hey.”)

  54. double d Says:

    Love you guys, really I do…Here are a few of mine..

    1. How is your family handling all of this, specifically your GMomma in Orange Beach/Perdido?

    2. Do you plan on taking Sean on the road with you?

    3. Did you actually buy a place in Destin? If so, what’s the address? (Just kidding.)

    4. Ok, I kunneck with the “old soul” thing, but besides old soul, do you identify with any other genre, specifically Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin?

    5. How do you feel about you and the AI boys being referred to as the Rat Pack? Do you like the Sinatra reference/comparison?

    6. Do you have any plans of employing real people from every day life in your organization?

    7. Have you been in contact with the taxi driver that drove you out of New Orleans the night before Katrina?

    8. What blogs or boards to you read, SPECIFICALLY?

    9. What posters on said blogs/boards do you enjoy reading?

    10. Do you own any vinyl albums? Do you own a phonograph?

    11. Will Gray Charles have any thing to do with your new site?

    12. How do you plan to keep your site “about the music” and limit the “fangirly” OR do you not want to?

    13. What is your favorite Mobile, AL to play and will you play it again anytime soon?

    14. Will you consider playing a backyard venue, like Shelley’s in Jackson? You know, just to “keep it real”.

    15. Have you gotten any real ideas from the boards/blogs and if so, what? SPECIFICALLY.

    16. Do you like Norah Jones? Have you met her?

  55. TALK! Says:

    Very nicely done, DD!

    I really liked “7. Have you been in contact with the taxi driver that drove you out of New Orleans the night before Katrina?” and the questions about what blogs he reads! 😉

    Oh, and, just in case you are reading our sweet little Taylor…my backyard (Max Supper Club II) is still available for bookings. ;P

  56. double d Says:

    Shelley,
    I am hoping not to lose my nerve or go completely blank if I ever have the chance. I ain’t looking for love, sex or otherwise. I’m old enough to be his, er, big sister, so I don’t think of him that way. I do think of him as a good friend, someone who is like me.

    I’m planning on putting your blog address, in Sharpie, on the collar of the shirt if I get a chance to give it to him….visit the blog, Taylor! Post a message to these great peeps. 😉

  57. TALK! Says:

    DD…I couldn’t love ya more if you were my…er…big sister. 😉

    Thanks, sweetie. You rock.

  58. shrewspeaks Says:

    Dayum…DD gets the best questions prize!! OOOH backyard party…must happen!

  59. TALK! Says:

    Bama…here is link to SendSpace to download Circles with Sold Gold Dancers reference.

    Enjoy!

  60. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Thanks Shelley! I’ll listen to it in a few.

    I know I’m really late for the “question discussion” but I have one anyway.

    1. Tay-Tay, sweetie, lover-muffin: When you say, “It’s all about the music”..what the heck do you mean? What music, specifically, are you talking about? Is it limited to soul/blues music. Or ALL music…including styles that might not be your personal favorite like bubble-gum pop, speed metal, trance, polka?? Just curious.

  61. TALK! Says:

    Ooooo…I’d love to hear Brian, Sam, Zippy, Mitch, and Taylor take us to church on some polka.

  62. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Hee-hee. I could see it happening.

  63. double d Says:

    Taylor doin’ a little Chicken Dance…

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