There’s Something About Shelley


something_about_mary.jpgI blame Double D…Banda…and my mother for the frustration that unfolded before me today.

I had to run some errands around town: get gifts for my niece’s and sister-in-law’s upcoming birthdays…buy some socks…go pick up a copy of the original Stars Wars Trilogy just released on DVD (a must-have for any single gal)…and stop by the salon to renew my supply of Aveda products.

Well…the urgings of the three culprits listed above were ringing in my ears as I dressed for the day…

Shelley, be readyyou never know when or where you might meet that someone special.

So, instead of my usual shtick of bee-boppin’ around town on the weekends sans make-up and hair pulled back into a ponytail…I decided to fix up.

I spared no effort…full make-up…hot rolled my hair…sprayed and polished…spit and shined.

And I have to say…I looked great (or at least I felt great about how I looked) when I left for Cheveux Salon to get my Aveda products.

I knew I needed to get more Shampure shampoo and AirControl hairspray…but I also wanted to pick up some conditioner, some facial lotion, and a strong finishing spray to keep my very fine, very straight hair in place when styled.

I just wasn’t sure what kind of finishing spray I would need. I’m fairly new to the Aveda line and haven’t used their products enough to know exactly which items work best on me (although I have been very pleased with their Phomollient styling foam, AirControl spray, Shampure shampoo, and Flax Seed Aloe sculptant gel).

Um…if you haven’t been able to figure it out by now…let me spell it out for you…

My. Hair. Is. Very. Fragile. And. Needy. (much like my ego…but that’s a post for another day)

My hair lacks volume and body (geesh…if only my ass were my hair and my hair were my ass). Plus, styling my hair is like building a house of cards…it takes time, patience, dexterity, a hell of a lot of luck…and…oh, yeah…vigilant prayer for clear skies and no wind.

My hair is so very fine and thin…that, once I get it into style…I have to leave it ALONE. Too much hairspray and it looks like the bristles of a broom. Too little product and I might as well have hung cooked spaghetti noodles from my head.

Okay…so you get the point.

Anyway, when I got to Cheveux, I explained to the stylist there that I would need her help selecting a finishing spray and a facial lotion.

I want to give her credit for letting me try the products before buying them…but I’m not going to…and here’s why.

Taking two different hairsprays off the shelf, she instructed me to sit in a salon chair so we could see which products would suit my needs. It just so happened that I had a chunk of hair that was already going A.W.O.L. and falling straight down into my face…so it would be the testing ground for the products.

I thought she would just pull the chunk of hair back and give it a spritz.

But she chose to go a different route.

Instead, she ran her fingers through the front of my hair…killing the last of the curl left from the hot rollers I had removed just 20 minutes earlier. Then she held that portion of hair straight up and, with the Pure Abundance Volumizing Hair Spray nozzle a mere 3 inches from my scalp…she gave about four quick pumps of the stuff.

It all happened so fast…I had no time to react…no time to scream…no time to bat the bottle of that evil elixir to the salon floor.

All I could do was sit and blink and stare into the wall of mirrors across from me.

“Oh, my,” she said, as she quickly set the bottle down.

“Uh” was all I could manage to say.

The beautiful sweep of hair I had so carefully arranged was now sticking up from my head 6 friggin’ inches!

And we’re not talking 6 inches of hair that clumped a little and leaned over to one side…we’re talking 6 inches of hair that stood so straight and tall that I expected it to break out into a rendition of “Do I Make You Proud?”

Plus, this pillar of hair wasn’t soft and flexible…it wasn’t even just a little stiff. This chunk of shellacked pampas grass had become lethal-weapon rigid…and it wasn’t moving…at all.

I swallowed and managed to eek out, “Um…yikes. I’m out running errands today…I…can’t…leave it like this.”

Salon woman actually gave me a look like I had insulted her. Then she reached for the other bottle of spray and targeted my head for another assault. “Well, then, let’s try this one.”

This time I was Muhammad Ali. I dodged her left…missed her right…and reached for bottle.

“Do you mind if I try?”

“No, go ahead,” she said, tartly. I honestly don’t know how she kept from laughing hysterically at the fact that a fat, red-headed unicorn was sitting in her salon chair…but, to her credit, she kept a straight face and handed me a brush and the bottle.

“Thanks,” I said, as I tried to amend the damage. But it was too late. No amount of mitigation was going to fix the screw-up…which was now a sticky mess of tangled hair. So I brushed it out as much as I could…purchased my products (choosing the Firmata hair spray over the dark lord of sticky hold, Pure Abundance)…and left the salon.

Then I ran to my car (careful to dodge the glances of the two cute guys in the parking lot) and drove straight home…where I washed my hair (again) and dried it (again) and hot rolled it (again) and styled it (again). And, of course, all my make-up had to be touched up…as my liquid eyeliner had fought the good fight while I shampood but lost the battle when I had to rinse out my conditioner.

And after all of that…I’d love to tell you that I met the man of my dreams at the Best Buy…or that I flirted audaciously with a cutie at the Barnes & Noble…but, alas, the only notice my efforts afforded me was when a cashier asked to see my license and said…”You look different with your glasses.”

Funny thing was…I was wearing my glasses.

So, basically, despite rolling my hair twice and buying $70 worth of hair products and taking extra time to moisturize and put on make-up…I couldn’t even compete with my own i.d. photo.

You know, between today and my last visit to the salon, I’m beginning to think these places were created just to make us realize how hopeless we truly are in the beauty department.


I think I’m gonna stick with my normal ponytail-no-make-up weekend routine from now on.

Sure, I may look like crap…but at least it will lower my chances of having a stress-induced stroke on a Saturday.


37 Responses to “There’s Something About Shelley”

  1. double d Says:

    I avoid salons at all cost. I never feel so out of place as I do at one of those places. When I get my hair cut and “styled”, I usually politely say, “Great! Thanks.” Then when I get to my car, I quickly brush out the “big hair” and get to something that I’m ok with.

    Shelley, maybe there’s a happy medium between totally coiffed errands and totally not-coiffed errands…ponytail yes, AND some make-up? Either way, it really comes down to what makes YOU feel good.

  2. TALK! Says:

    Thanks, DD.

    You’re right.

    Next time…I’ll find that right balance.

    Maybe I should switch out wearing hair in ponytail with putting in my contacts. Ha.

  3. NOLAgirl Says:

    Shelley, of course I am dying laughing (sorry!). It’s because I can *picture* the story in my head as I’m reading it, making it that much funnier.

    You are a better woman than I, though. I went out for errands yesterday with no makeup, hair in ponytail, hat on, breakout on the chin area, jogging shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes. Ain’t that darlin’???

    I agree with DD about a happy medium between dolled up and drabbed out.

    P.S. I had NO idea your hair was such a problem for you! You must do a good job of fixing it then b/c it always looks great in your pictures!

  4. TALK! Says:

    Thanks, NOLA.

    Truth be told…I really thought I had a happy medium between dolled up and dressed down.

    Even though I had fixed my hair and put on make-up, I was still wearing jeans, an old t-shirt and tennis shoes. šŸ™‚

    As for my hair…it’s always been a source of exasperation because of how thin it is.

    I know I’m not alone…everyone, I’m sure, has their problem areas.

    I just thought this was too good a tale to not tell! šŸ˜‰

  5. Holeigh Says:

    Oh, my, Shelley…you really know exactly how to write to make me laugh like a crazy woman, lol! I have complete sympathy for you as that sort of thing seems to happen to me whenever I get my hair cut (I end up driving home with my hand covering my face so as to avoid anyone I know seeing me with the crazy blow dried hair) but your word choice cracks me right up.

    I also didn’t know you had such problems getting your hair to behave, I agree with Nola, you always look so nice in your pictures. My personal battle is with any slight percentage of humidity in the air and the curls it produces all over my head. So not pretty, if I have a camera handy sometime I’ll send you a picture.

    Here’s to a nice, laid back Sunday with no pressure to be pretty, hehehe. I plan to take full advantage! šŸ™‚

  6. TALK! Says:

    Amen, sister Holeigh.

    I’m still in my P.J.’s and here it is 12:19 p.m.

    I’m working to get my new phone and blue tooth headset working.

    Of you’d know that the SIM card from my previous phone wouldn’t work in the new phone, so I’m having to re-enter all the information. I did most of it online…but for e-mail addresses and multiple numbers…I’m going to have to give my thumbs a real work-out! šŸ™‚

  7. osb Says:

    AHA! So, that’s where that 6 inches of fine, thin, straight red hair of mine went! And, I thought it was with that hungover stylist that chopped it off.

    I can SO empathize, Shelley, as I have the same hair. I finally gave up on trying to style it, with the FL humidity, and decided to just go with long & straight.

    I was wearing it waist length with bangs, until the hungover stylist chopped a 6 inch chunk out of the back. She brushed some of the hair from the other side over it, so, I didn’t even know until someone at work asked what happened to my hair. I had to go back (different stylist & shop, of course)and it’s taken 2 years to even it out. But, because it grows so slowly, it’s half as long as it was.

    I don’t know how you do it, but, your hair looks 100 times better than mine ever will. Of course, I have no patience to learn how to use products other than shampoo & conditioner, so, it’s my own fault.

    As for errands, ponytail and make-up if it’s a day of errands, no make-up if it’s a quick trip to the store.

  8. TALK! Says:

    osb…I feel your pain.

    I quit going to places like “Super Cuts” after having a woman cut my hair and leave various lenghth “tags” of hair hanging uneven at the bottom of my ‘do.

    I hate that that happened to you. Glad you were finally able to grow it out…but what a pain!

    By the way, I think you were the one wanting a “Brass with Ass” t-shirt. Your wish is my command…check out Cafe Press to see the new shirt.

    Also, I should have some more stuff up this week. šŸ™‚

  9. osb Says:

    Wooooooo! Thanks, Shelley!

    Now, can anyone tell me what size shirt Taylor wears, L or XL? That T is so cool I want to get one for him, too.

  10. TALK! Says:

    I don’t know…I’d get an XL or XXL, just to be safe (and to cover any shrinkage in the wash).

    Glad you liked it!

  11. suzi-q Says:

    Shell, the TEARS are still in my eyes as I write this note. How you take a mess-up like that and delight us with the story is what makes you the diva of delightful tales of TALK:) I, seriously, laughed til I cried! You are the most beautiful person when it comes to folks screwing up in the effort to help (remember the filed teeth) šŸ™‚ Gotta hand it to you kiddo, you lemons to lemonade is always SWEET!

  12. TALK! Says:

    Thanks, Suzi-q. You wanna hear something funny? I was thinking about my filed tooth just this evening.

    Grrr…at Dr. Bliel! šŸ˜‰

    Love ya!

  13. Quossum Says:

    ROTFL, Shelley! Did this woman used to work as a hot-waxer, by any chance???

    I’m lame–I don’t wear makeup, I blow dry my hair (usually) but don’t use any “product” in it, and get it cut about every seven years or so, only when it gets long enough for the dogs to get tangled in it when they jump on the bed with me.

    Sure, I look like some Amish escapee, but it does cut down on the appearance maintainance time. {G}


  14. TALK! Says:

    Q…you have a man. šŸ˜‰


  15. Quossum Says:

    LOL–Good point! Though I didn’t do any of those things before I met him, either. Just lucked out to find a good one who didn’t care about that sort of stuff. =P


  16. TALK! Says:

    I’m sure it wasn’t luck…it was your charm and grace! šŸ˜‰

    James is a guy who knows and appreciates quality.

  17. nolagirl Says:

    “Amish escapee” – *That’s* what it is – I couldn’t quite put my finger on it!! LOL

    Y’all are crazy.

  18. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Ahh…a good belly laugh from a Shelley original composition. I needed that on this Monday morning. You should have let her spray all your hair up into a mohawk and just taken your town by storm.

    Apparently I’m the girliest of all the girls here. I love the salon and getting my hair styled. Of course my stylist is a miracle worker and I usually leave looking like a super-model…well, kind of…not really…but I feel that good!

    I don’t leave the house w/o a full face of make-up (even walking the dogs, I do lipgloss and mascara). I have solutions for every hair challenge. Humidity? Curling gel to work my natural wave. Hot day? Sleek ponytail. Dirty hair? Cute baseball cap. Hot night on the town? Stick straight with texturizing paste.

    I love dressing up, fixing my hair, playing with make-up. I could open my own drug store with all the products I own. I’m a sucker for it all!

    Of course, it probably just speaks to my own insecurities. That, or the fact that I live in Dallas, Superficial City.

  19. nolagirl Says:

    Bama – I assume you are friends with Sephora then. šŸ˜‰

    I am pretty girly girl as far as products/make up/salons/waxing&plucking. HOWEVER, I don’t always have the drive to go along with that. Hence why I have resorted to NO make up at work (gasp!) b/c I just don’t feel like it in the morning. Isn’t that awful?

  20. bamaborntxbred Says:

    OMG! Love, love, love Sephora!! That store takes a major chunk of my salary every year. I am a sucker for all things shiny, sparkly, glossy, yummy smelling…

    I’m late to work almost every morning b/c I just can’t put the make-up down….I look forward to getting up so I can play with new looks. I’m a freak.

  21. TALK! Says:

    Bama…if I knew that I lived in a town where I could be seen standing next to a Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleader…I would DEFINITELY fix up more! šŸ˜‰

    Man…now I have to see a picture of your hair. Curiouser and curiouser.

  22. TALK! Says:

    What is Sephora?

    Spill, girls!

  23. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Go to and you’ll see the kinds of products they have. There are only two stores in Dallas. If you read fashion mags you’ll see Sephora mentioned a lot when products are being reviewed, etc. They carry all the upscale make-up, skincare and perfume lines.

    The most fun store ever.

  24. Banda Says:

    Oh Shelley! True confession: I do so little to myself that my NY Lady Who Lunches sister actually sighs audibly when she sees me.

    That said, I have a mess of fine hair, and I find the easiest thing is to skip the hot rollers and just use some waxy hold stuff you scoop out to give it body. Then my awesome stylist cuts it in lots of layers. Why fight genetics, right?

    Now I’m sure we all were trying to say: don’t walk out on the street acting like you’d knife a guy who talks to you – not be sure and be Sorority Sue every time you leave your house! LOL! Keep up the good fight, Shel. We love you.

  25. TALK! Says:

    List of Things to do When I Get Home:

    1. Visit and buy some fabulous girly stuff

    2. Buy some “waxy hold stuff” to give my hair body.

    Thanks, gals! šŸ™‚

  26. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Hyperventilating on your behalf.

  27. Banda Says:

    Here’s the kind of stuff I use, Shel – you can find it cheaper though:;jsessionid=TXA3FNWPIVAAZLAUCLBBXCQ?cm_re=C7010*Grid*P104714&id=P104714&categoryId=C7010

  28. TALK! Says:

    Banda…how long does a jar last you?

  29. Banda Says:

    Me? FOREVER. heh. I use just a tiny bit, mostly at the roots for lifts. But look on ebay for a trial size:

    See how it works for you. šŸ™‚ Remember though, I’m kind of a wash n’ wear girl. I don’t like fussing with hairspray and rollers. Which is not to say I ever look like I walked out of Vogue! (And I don’t weigh 100 pounds at 6 2 either….)

  30. TALK! Says:

    Got it! Thanks.

    I might have to give it a try. šŸ™‚

  31. Quossum Says:

    I’m not into “girly stuff” but even *I* love Sephora! NOLAgirl turned me on to the place. Really nice shampoo, face cleaning stuff, and best of all…The Gingerbread Man foot scrub! I have terrible feet, and that stuff’s the bomb!


  32. NOLAgirl Says:

    Bama, if you tell me you use Philosophy user, I will love you eternally.

    If you are not, you need to be! (see Q’s testimonial above!)

    We don’t have a Sephora here, which is probably a good thing! LOL

  33. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Nola- love Philosophy bath/body products…esp. all the ones that smell like food. I’ve always wanted to try Hope In A Jar moisturizer but I haven’t yet…maybe I will soon.

  34. nolagirl Says:

    Ooh, haven’t tried Hope in a Jar, but LOVE Handmade hand cream. I mean, I LOVE it.

    The Gingerbread Man scrub followed by Sole Owner foot cream will make your feet as soft as EVAH.

    Oh, and I should buy stock in the Amazing Grace line – I use the lotion, body wash AND fragrance!! It’s just the best.

  35. TALK! Says:

    Are these theological products?

  36. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Haha! Shelley’s funny. No, they are philosophical products.

    They have a giftset called Rockstars with Cinnamon Buns 3-in-1 bath gel and The Gingerbread Man scruby stuff. I might have to get that as a gift for me. I love me.

  37. TALK! Says:

    Aww…I love me, too.

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