I Got Nothing…So Here’s a Pretty Sunset

by

While on the phone with Shrew and Bama last night (gotta love the conference call feature on my new phone)…the topic of weight loss came up.

We all shared…commiserated, so to speak.

It was mentioned (possibly by me, I don’t remember) that body image, self-awareness, and confidence should be my topic for today.

However, I really don’t want (am not ready) to write about that. It takes a lot of soul searching and offers an invitation for advice…neither of which I want right now.

Perhaps one day I’ll want to blog about it…but today’s not the day.

However, this leaves me still with nothing to post about today.

So, until I come up with a topic for the day…here’s a pretty sunset I captured for y’all on my way back into Jackson from Biloxi on Sunday evening.

Enjoy.

sunset.jpg

P.S. Just because I don’t want to discuss body image and such…doesn’t mean y’all can’t…so, go for it…if you want.

Q, you have inadvertently started a great discussion with your comment below.

Two things you mentioned came up in my phone conversation with Shrew and Bama.

1) People (usually older women) who feel they can comment on your weight freely.

2) The incentive men create for women to want to look their best.

To address the first point…I have had many (many) women comment on my weight during my lifetime. And to be truthful, it has done more to hinder my self-esteem and drive to want to lose weight and get in shape…than it has to help it.

Here are some of the choice comments I’ve received from women in my lifetime (the fact that I remember them almost word for word shows how degrading and humiliating and detrimental to my psyche they were).

“What have you done to yourself?” (said after the person hadn’t seen me in a year)

“What are you thinking, you can’t wear pants like that?” (said while grabbing and shaking my butt and belly…just because I mentioned how cute I thought palazzo pants were)

“You’ve just gotten so fat.” (said by my step-grandmother pretty much every time I visited her)

“You are fat. You should try jogging everywhere…jog to get your daddy’s paper in the morning…jog to school…” (said by my first grade teacher to me…while I was in first grade)

“But you have such a pretty face.” (said to me countless times by countless people over my lifetime)

To address the second point…yeah, you should want to lose weight for yourself. But, I also think men are in the equation…whether women want to admit it or not.

Listen, I’m a realist…I know that men are driven by sex and by being sexually attracted to women. I also know that when I have a reason to take care of myself…be it going on a date or knowing I’m going to be around men…I tend to take better care of myself.

And I’m not ashamed of that.

When I am in a relationship, I do more to keep myself looking good…because I want to feel good about myself and have confidence. When I’m not in a relationship…I just don’t see the importance as much (which, to be honest, is cyclic and leads to me not wanting to be around men which then means I continue to not take care of myself)

And just to prove my point…here’s a little Ani DeFranco, Wishin’ & Hopin’.

So…without bashing me (or I’ll add your comment to my list of detrimental ones)…let me know your thoughts on the subject.

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121 Responses to “I Got Nothing…So Here’s a Pretty Sunset”

  1. Quossum Says:

    Boy, talk about big ol’ can o’ worms! I remember when I was a mere stripling of some 14 or 15-odd years. I was already a “sturdy” young thing, though not as robust as I am now. At a department store where I was buying pants, the old crone who worked there made a comment along the lines of, “Don’t worry, honey. Someday you’ll meet a man that you’ll love enough that you’ll want to lose the weight for him.”

    I remember the intense feeling of being completely taken aback–it truly had never occurred to me that a fella could be used for weight-loss inspiration. Not only was I a late bloomer with no interest in boys at that point, but even then I realized that the desire to change oneself had to come from within, or it would ultimately be a no go.

    And indeed I’ve been blessed enough to find a man who likes a girl “with a little meat on her bones.” Without pressure from him, I have been able to work out my body issues internally, and there have been some changes in outlook and then in lifestyle.

    I’m still a bit “meaty” and not completely happy with myself, but I’m getting there. Knowing that I’m on the right path is a comfort.

    –Q

  2. nolagirl Says:

    A friend on the lab board I frequent posted a big rant the other day because her mother as of late has been telling her she needs to lose weight, etc. She said she is a size 12, but used to be an 8 or something, so has gained about 20 lbs, which she knows she needs to work on. I didn’t have any advice to offer her, just that I was glad my mother would never say a word to me about weight issues. In fact, I found myself being thankful that I didn’t have “one of those” mothers.

    Dwain’s late grandfather liked to tell everyone they were fat and needed to lose weight. It made me want to kick him … and that is bad b/c he was an elderly man. Dwain’s family just shrugged it off and blamed it on his old age (the saying whatever you think part) but I said bullshit. Being elderly is no excuse to be rude. I guess they were so used to it that they let it roll off their backs, but I was horrified.

    It is just SUCH a sensitive topic, as evidenced by the crossing out and stuff on your post, Shelley. It carries a lot of meaning to a lot of people, and unfortunately, it seems to be in a negative way many times. I also think it’s a real personal thing for people, as in it’s their own private demons/personal battle.

  3. shelley Says:

    NOLA said, “Being elderly is no excuse to be rude.”

    Amen, sister.

    Most old men should be kicked in the rear twice daily.

  4. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Huh. Well, Shelley, as you know, I have a lot of issues surrounding food/weight etc.

    I’m in a “control” phase right now, one where I’m able to choose correctly what to eat, and when to eat. I have bad stuff when I want it and I don’t spew venomous hateful thoughts back at myself for doing so. I look pretty good and I’m looking better everyday. Since I just started this phase (again) this year…it will be a long time before the “out of control” phase returns…but it will return…it always does…with a vengence. Unless I do something to change what is wrong with my brain this time. And, this is the first time I’ve considered that is the key to a forever-change.

    As far as what other people say: My (step) Mother told me constantly, from a young age that I was chubby…too fat… etc. (Which was untrue.) I was put on my first diet when I was 6-7 years old. Every summer I had to lose weight or I couldn’t get new school clothes. I developed very young and this added to my self-conciousness. (My sisters went through the same thing I did. Except for one. The skinny one. And she was the one that got designer jeans at Christmas. Damn her! Btw-As sisters we didn’t support each other- we turned on each other…teasing mercilessly, trying to take the attention off ourselves.)

    I understand now that what my Mother put me through as a child was a result of things that she was dealing with. We have put some things behind us…but old habits die hard and she is still very critical of me.

    Man, I could tell you some shit. But I don’t want to. What’s in the past should be left there. I know that what happened then still affects how I deal with things today, but I just want to move on…and learn new ways to deal with the present…because that is what matters to me. I have spent my whole life living in fear and dread and I don’t want to live like that anymore. I want to live with hope and trust (it’s okay Shrew).

  5. shelley Says:

    Wow…Bama. I really wish I could give you a hug right now.

    I have to admit…for all the crap OTHERS said about me…my mom and dad never did anything but build me up. For that, I’m grateful beyond belief!

    I blame my weight solely on myself…I shovel the food in and I choose to sit on my ass.

    But you know, I have ALWAYS felt that I needed to sneak food…even today…when I know that my folks wouldn’t say anything other than…”we’re about to eat…don’t spoil your appetite.” I have always tried to be quiet when I get a cookie out of my parents cookie jar…or when I go to the breakroom at work to get nabs. I’ll even tuck the nabs in my sleeve as I leave the break room to try to hide them.

    I know it’s not that I’m ashamed that I’m about to eat something…rather, I’m petrified that somebody will judge me.

    See I told y’all I wasn’t ready to broach all this yet…this is some scary shit.

  6. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I have wondered many times what I would be like today if I had grown up in a nurturing environment. I believe my parents love(d) me. Especially my Dad. But my Mom was wholly incapable (back then) of expressing it. Still, I’m responsible for now. And I’ve worked on my adult relationship with them and it’s really good.

    My favorite thing in the world is to eat alone. That way no one sees what I’m eating…or how much. Shelley, you are not alone at feeling ashamed or judged. Trust me. Lemme tell you something: I am a devoted Christian. It’s not about being “religious” or anything..it’s about knowing more, learning more about God and being in fellowship with other believers…helping in the community, etc. Well, when I gained the weight I told you about last night, I quit going to the church that was an integral part of my life….because I was ashamed of the way that I LOOKED. That, in turn, made me more ashamed because I felt so shallow. It was a perpetual circle of shame and self-blame/hatred and guilt. Of course, all of the guilt and blame went against all that I believe to be true about God…which caused me great confusion…which led to a crisis of faith..which led to utter, desolate depression.

    But now it’s all sunshine and roses! (And kittens DD.)

  7. double d Says:

    I can’t comment now but do have some to make…later.

  8. Shrewspeaks Says:

    I am here ladies…very busy day to day with the client…I have something to ay on this topic though…

    PS- I laugh at the irony that TODAY i received a book on “Eating and Drinking in Paris” Yup, I bought a whole book about eating on my trip…serious issues.

  9. shelley Says:

    Bama said, “Well, when I gained the weight I told you about last night, I quit going to the church that was an integral part of my life….because I was ashamed of the way that I LOOKED.”

    Honey…I know exactly of what you speak.

    I quit going to church about a year ago.

    I do love the Lord…but I it’s not about that.

    But let’s stop and look at the words that we’ve written so far.

    guilt
    shame
    shallow
    hatred
    blame
    depression
    judgement

    Why anyone thinks “just doing it” is a realistic approach to weight loss is beyond me.

    I’ve had people tell me…fully believing their own tripe…”if you want it bad enough…you’ll do it.”

    Right. Sure. Uh-huh. Yeah.

  10. Squeebee Says:

    Wow, some deep thoughts here today. I have something to throw out there, maybe it will bring some perspective.

    When I was in high school, I was one of the skinny girls that everyone hated. In fact, if you looked at me, you may have thought I was anorexic (I was not). My metabolism was such that no matter what I ate, I couldn’t gain weight. Believe me, I tried. I envied the girls who had a little extra weight on them, because they at least had some womenly curves.

    Alas, that is no longer the case. Two kids and various stressful times in my life have added quite a few pounds that I could stand to lose. Now I am on the other side, looking at some of the celebrities and wondering how they manage to stay so slim.

    So, as far as body image goes, I would hazard to say that not many women are EVER happy about their bodies, no matter how they look. I think a big question in all this is, “Why do ALL women beat themselves up over their (supposed) body issues?”

  11. shelley Says:

    Squeebee…I wonder the same thing at times.

    However, I can’t be a good source for answering that question because I’m more than just a little out of shape or overweight.

    I am extremely large…so I’m usually the person on the outside grinding my teeth in irritation over girls who wear a size 8 or 10 but still think they look terrible.

    Seriously, beyond my weight…I have a VERY healthy self-image. Sometimes I think I’m a little to in love with myself…that’s how I’m able to overlook or excuse my ever-expanding fat ass.

  12. Jax Says:

    Hi all. Thanks to Squee I have finally figured out how to post here. I hope y’all don’t mind if I jump in.

    I did not have weight issues as a child but was the “ugly” girl with bad teeth, ugly clothes & the slowest runner in my grade every year. Braces in Jr high school helped but by then the self esteem issues were rampant. My parents were divorced when I was 4 & my Dad raised 3 daughters while working 2 full time jobs so while he loved us there wasn’t a “support” network.

    I grew out of the gawky & married a guy that is still my bestfriend (this was after one miserable divorce).

    Fast forward to my 40s, Where did this weight come from? Shopping in the “plus” section. Saw a picture of myself at a friends wedding & did not recognize myself. During this period some of my in-laws delighted in remarking on my weight gain (in laws.. a topic for another day perhaps). My self esteem was non-existant.

    Gradually I managed to drop some of the weight only to have it come back after the chocolate brownies called to me & told me how much they missed me. The baked potatoes were weeping without me.

    I had 3 surgeries in 5 months at the end of last year .. (Gallbladder & hysterectomy). I will say this for Gallbladder surgery, when everything you eat leaves immediately you lose weight. I was actually a size I had not seen for years.

    The two-bite brownies found me again & once again I am seeing someone in the mirror that hasn’t been around for a while. Struggling with the self-esteem issues again. Throw in a panic disorder & here I am, 51 & trying to work on it all.

    Isn’t that what we all do? Try to work on it? Regardless of what is? Some days it seems we win.

    Whew.. well that’s prob more about me than you wanted to know.

    Another thing you might want to know about me… I am kind of a fan of that Gray-haired guy that makes me smile & laugh. I am also a huge fan of his fans around here!

    Much love to you all!

    Jax

  13. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Shrew- Paris doesn’t count. Haven’t you heard? French women don’t get fat. That means you can eat whatever you want in Paris and you won’t get fat either!

    Squeebee- That is a really good point. I had a GREAT body in high school. I just didn’t know it. Man! I wish I had known it! The hearts I could’ve broken!

    I know why I beat myself up over my issues. It’s because I feel that what you see on the outside reflects what is going on inside. If I’m overweight, I’m failing. I’m weak. I’m lazy. And truthfully, when I’m at my “good” weight…I really don’t think about it at all. I’m not thinking…”I’m so hot. Look at how hot I am.” I’m just thinking, “Thank you Jesus that everything fits and I don’t have to spend half an hour finding something to wear!”

    And, no, I don’t look at overweight people and think they are lazy failures. I only think that about myself. But I do think people with hot bodies have an easier time with the opposite sex than I do. (I don’t go so far as to think they have better lives.)

    Shelley, people who haven’t dealt with real weight issues have no idea how hard it is to decide to lose the weight. It is like telling a heroine addict to just quit using…but the kicker is that people have to keep eating to live…so our “drug” can’t ever be truly “quit”.

  14. double d Says:

    Squee is right. I think EVERY woman has this issue. This is an issue I fight each day. The last time I ever felt good about what I looked like was in grade school.

    When I went through a divorce at 21 (that’s right), I lost 28 pounds in about 2 months because of the emotional sickness I was in. Not a healthy way to do it, but I looked great. I still didn’t feel real good about it and of course it didn’t last.

    Although the Monklex is wonderful, he lost over 80 pounds in his early twenties by “just doing it”. He doesn’t understand why I can’t “just do it” and exercise, get into shape and lose weight. I need to lose about 25 pounds and that doesn’t seem like much until I try to do it. I think that he feels that I don’t care enough about him to do it and that kills me.

    Like Bama, I had a very critical mother. My problem was that she was thin, pretty, and the belle of the ball. My sister was likewise. I was the plain Jane tom-boy who they tried to “fix” all the time.

    Probably my biggest issue is that all I ever want is for people to like me for me…I think it’s why I like it here and at Gray’s. We don’t have to “reveal” ourselves physically but we can mentally. It makes me feel good to fit in without having to be concious of my looks or wonder what people are thinking of me….other than I may actually be nuts. heh.

    We all should do what we can to be healthy, I think. So that we’re here long-term for those that love us. Other than that, we’ve got to get comfortable with the great people we are — whatever that looks like.

  15. shelley Says:

    Bama…I’m friggin’ convinced that you live in a parrallel world and that you ARE ACTUALLY THE SHELLEY living there.

    Totally. Agree. With. Everything. You. Said.

    About high school, I weighed 128 and used to think “if only my stomach was concave when I layed down!” Geesh…what a moron I was.

    I actually dated a pretty good bit in high school…but then I got into two back-to-back serious relationships…and everything went downhill from there.

    —-

    Jax…I’m so glad you’re here! Thanks for your comments. Wow! You picked a heavy-duty day to join us. You’re a brave woman! I promise, most days are pretty light-hearted around here. 🙂

    By the way…I understand about the brownies…except for me it’s anything salty.

  16. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Yay that Jax came out to play! Welcome to the wonderful world of Monkbot! And man, what a way to join the fray. Lay it all out there!

    DD, Q, Jax, etc. (Even Nola with her awesome boyfriend): Tell me a little what it feels like to know that you have someone to unconditionally love you…fat or not. I have never known that. I don’t know what it feels like to have the kind of comfort that could give you. I know weight is about ourselves…but to know you are loved regardles…you are so lucky. And I am so envious.

  17. nolagirl Says:

    I feel like I’m in a Dr. Phil episode! I really appreciate everyone’s frank comments, seriously – it takes a lot to put yourself out there like that. Is it Dr. Phil that says it’s not about the food or the diet, etc., but that there is something else that is causing the “bad” behavior?

    Anyway, taking a step back and looking at myself, I think I have a “medium” self-body-image – not on the extreme self-deprecating/beating myself up about it side, but not proud of my body either. My biggest problem is self-discipline. I have tried to tackle that with walking every morning during the week, so that I get used to sticking to something for once. I hope that is the beginning of the “lifestyle change” that I know I need to make.

    A couple of other points y’all brought up …

    The back in the day high school times: Man, I found some pictures from my Jr. and Sr. prom last week and I just stared at them. Man, I looked GOOD, I thought to myself. But back then, I thought I was huge! (and probably was compared to the skinnny minnies that seemed to overpopulate my all-girls school). I would kill to be that size right now. I definitely experienced the Freshman 15 plus some as college wore on, and probably gained at least 15 after Katrina, from all the emotional eating and stress.

    The “men” factor: I’ve got a man. He’s been around for 6 years, so he met me when I was a good bit smaller than I am now. Thankfully, he calls me nothing but beautiful, but I want to be HAWT (that’s for you, Shelley) for him, you know what I mean? I know that he doesn’t care and if he does, would never say a word, but I want that for myself and then indirectly for him. But, I will tell you this. In the spring of ’05, we broke up — or were on a “break” — it’s complicated. It lasted almost a year, and in that time, I got to a point where I started to make myself accept that we were really not going to work out and get married and live happily ever after, etc. If that was not hard enough, I also realized that meant I’d have to put myself out there in the dating sense. I instantly panicked. That meant (for me) that I’d have to care what I looked like going to Barnes & Noble, wear make-up more, dress cuter when I went to bars, etc. I cringed at the though of all of that. Cringed because of the obvious fear of rejection, What if no man saw in me what Dwain had seen years ago? Would I still get put in the “friends” category while my skinny friends got the guy? And of course, looks/weight is the basis for that fear, since that comprises the first impression men get of you. Thankfully, Dwain and I are back on track and doing great, so no more dating nightmares for me. 🙂

    I am totally rambling..

  18. shelley Says:

    DD…I know what you mean about the anonymity of being online.

    But I guess that’s why I’ve posted my picture so much.

    I’ve never been one to want to hide what I look like or who I am.

    Like I said…other than being frustrated at my weight and knowing it goes deeper than “just doing it”…I really like myself and even like the way I look (from the chin up. LOL)

    And since we’re talking about sisters and mothers.

    I have no sisters, but I have three brothers who are all very handsome. They aren’t skinny but they aren’t fat (a word I totally hate as a descriptor) like I am.

    We’re a very “healthy stock” of people in my family. The boys (including my dad) are all 6 feet or taller…Mom is 5’7″…and I’m the runt of the litter at 5’5″. We’re just big people (well, except for me), so when I’m around them, I don’t feel as big.

    My mom has always been a classic beauty. I’m not dumb…even when I was the correct weight, my mom was prettier than I was. It didn’t take a genius to see that. I’ve always felt like Wynona Judd and my mom is Naomi.

    Sure, now she carries extra weight, but she’s still a natural beauty. Her hair is prettier than mine. Her smile is amazingly better than mine. Her confidence…her jawline…her height…her intellect.

    I’ve never thought I measured up to my mom (I know she’s gonna read this and FREAK OUT…but don’t, Mom…I love you. You NEVER made me feel this way…it was my own skewed barometer. I put no blame on your or Dad…y’all are totally AWESOME.).

    My dad’s side of the family was filled with squatty women…my mom’s side of the family is tall and lanky. I’ve always felt I looked more like the Powers side than the Cole side…and that’s what has frustrated the HELL out of me. (Although my dad’s mom was a beauty queen…but still…)

  19. double d Says:

    Bama, I know my man loves me and we’ve talked about these issues but I still feel that he’d love me more if I were 25 pounds lighter. He says no, but I don’t know. I love my relationship, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like a failure every day because I know that I’ve let him down. Because of his own past weight issues and his success at losing and keeping it off, he regularly dispenses advice and information which I never take very well. It has been a source of friction for us throughout our relationship.

  20. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Holy crap! Your Mom must be STUNNING because, I personally, think you are gorgeous. I’m not kidding. And I’m not talking about weight and all that blah, blah, blah. Every time I see a pic of you, with your smile and your shiny hair and high cheekbones…I’m surprised all over again at how beautiful you are. You need to reka-nize. I’m not blowing smoke b/c I already know that I’m your favorite.

  21. bamaborntxbred Says:

    That sucks DD. Is it better to have loved and fought…or never to have loved at all? 😉

    I don’t understand romantic relationships at all. I’ve had very few. Mostly by choice. So I’m under-educated. I’ve never even been in love. (Although I have been loved by someone.) Hmmm…maybe I’ve been saving all my love for a particular Monkbot.

  22. nolagirl Says:

    “We’re a very “healthy stock” of people in my family. The boys (including my dad) are all 6 feet or taller…Mom is 5’7″…and I’m the runt of the litter at 5’5″. We’re just big people (well, except for me), so when I’m around them, I don’t feel as big.”

    This could have gone right out of my mouth! Seriously. My brothers were all football players. All my uncles are big too, and most of my cousins are as well. And my mom is 5’7″ too. 🙂

    So I know just what you mean!

    Oh, and GREAT sunset pic!!

  23. nolagirl Says:

    Speaking of weight loss, the “other” B’ham Idol winner has lost 100 lbs.! (great timing with the new album dropping next week, PR people!)
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15197186

  24. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Wow…there is some heart felt stuff here. For me food = love. Mom for her very real mental short comings couldn’t bond with us other than food. She still has only learned to say that she is proud or that she loves and that always comes at a price. Soooo her way of easing pain or rewarding us was with food. One sister was potato chips and dip, me desserts and chocolate.

    I am at a crossroads with my weight…for years it was about looking good and attracting a man…now, I want to be healthy…I don’t want diabetes or heart disease. So, I am struggling to make the jump back into Weight Watchers and the gym. Not for approval, not for a smaller size of jeans, but just cause I don’t want to have a heart attack.

  25. double d Says:

    Shrew, I’m on WW too, sista! Water, water, everywhere….

  26. shelley Says:

    Bama…those are very kind words…thanks…now stop…I’m blushing. Yeah, my mom is beautiful. In her younger days, she could have modeled (is jellis). I’ll try to upload some photos sometime. She has VERY classic bone structure to her face. I know I’m sounding like I’m bragging…but trust me…it was hard to deal with growing up. I’ve told her before how she is so much prettier than I am and she gets upset with me. But that doesn’t make it not true.

    —-

    Glad you like the sunset pic, NOLA. Since you’re the ONLY one to comment on it…you get the Official Prize of the Day.

    I saw that about Rueben…I can’t wait to see a picture of him.

    Actually, he was discussed last night in the conversation with Bama and Shrew in regard to Mandisa (another stunning lovely).

    Shrew and Bama, I’m proud of y’all for the decisions you’re making.

    I hope I can follow suit.

  27. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Shelley…just like DD and Grey’s Anatomy…we’ll change your world!

  28. Shrewspeaks Says:

    DD good to know…I want to be healthy to stand Mullet Toss in April…and also good to know you will understand why I will be constantly running to the bathroom while I am there…heehee

  29. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I feel aflutter from the love flowing forth from the fount of flourishing friendship.

    I’m proud of you for opening up over such a scary topic!

    Shrew and DD- I’m doing WW too!

  30. shelley Says:

    Crosses arms in obstinance…squeezes eyes shut…vehemently shakes head.

    I’m not going on WW…I’m NOT spending money for that!!!!

    But I’m proud of y’all for doing it. 🙂

  31. Shrewspeaks Says:

    We can give you all the WW secrets that you would pay the precious 11 dollars for…and BAma and I would just let DD loose on your ass for 30 minutes…Just like a WW meeting.

  32. shelley Says:

    ROFL

    $11? What the hell? Does that pay for all the bullshit “prepackaged” food, too? That’s what I’m talking about.

  33. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Well, the way I see Shell, I spend so much money eating out…It’s like spending as much for one meal eating out. I only paid $15 to register and $12 a week after that.

    However, if a person isn’t ready, it is a complete waste of money. I know, b/c I’ve joined WW at least 8x before now. The program works…but not if I’m not “working it”.

  34. bamaborntxbred Says:

    WW isn’t prepackaged food!

  35. Shrewspeaks Says:

    WW is no prepackaged food…you have to cook and make smart choices. It’s not like Jenny Craig with meals. It really is a good plan. Okay now I am sounding like that damn Fergie

  36. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Which Fergie? Are your London, London Bridges goin’ down?

  37. heyhowyadoin Says:

    don’t mean to barge in….but i just wanna say that not all men are interested in stick thin women…..that’s a fact…

    not everyone was meant to be thin….it’s just not natural for some people…

    the most important thing is to be happy with YOURSELF…..

  38. shelley Says:

    but don’t you have to count points?

    isn’t that bad…since you can eat like 30 points of ice cream and be done for the day instead of choosing from the four food groups?

    there are women in my office doing it and it’s like some of them throw the nutritional aspect out the window.

    i may be a lard ass…but i know that a carrot is better for you than an ice cream bar…even if it’s the same amount of points.

  39. shelley Says:

    thanks for joining in heyhowyadoin?

    glad you’re here! 😉

    quick question…are you speaking for men because YOU’RE a man?

  40. nolagirl Says:

    I SHOULD be doing WW! My mom was like “I’m starting to count my points Monday!” and I was like “You have fun with that!” I am not ready for that right now. I am trying to slooowly get into a healthier overall lifestyle. Cutting back here and there food-wise, exercising regularly, etc., instead of doing the crash diet thing. (since that clearly hasn’t worked!)

    And, Shelley, we have never paid for WW. My mom got all the books and the little slide ruler thingy from a friend and we just use that. I have never gone to the meetings either.

    Oh, and thanks for my prize! I love a good wink! 😉

  41. nolagirl Says:

    I just learned that heyhowyadoin was a guy – saw it on Gray Charles in a recent post and I remember that it threw me off.

    And I am SO glad you posted b/c I meant to say that any man reading this post probably doesn’t want to touch it with a 10-foot pole!

    But … you did! And with what I believe is a very true statement. 🙂

  42. shelley Says:

    thanks for clarifying, NOLA…that gives TONS (no pun intended) more validity to what heyhowyadoin wrote.

    Heyhowyadoin…thanks for the insight…especially today when, as you can tell, this post finds many of wrestling with some pretty heavy (pun intended) demons.

  43. heyhowyadoin Says:

    yes, i’m a guy…and i honestly think there are a lot of men who don’t really care for women who are twigs….

    there are tons of georgeous women in the world who aren’t waifs…. like mandissa….she’s beautiful…

    if you are happy with yourself, that’s what matters….

  44. heyhowyadoin Says:

    have you guys ever watched “what not to wear” on TLC??

    for some reason i love that show….my wife thinks i’m nuts…

    but that show proves you can look great no matter what shape you are…..

  45. shelley Says:

    i’m not trying to be snotty…just trying to learn…

    by “happy with yourself,” do you mean…at peace with yourself? or what?

    because, truth be told, though i have insecurities about my body’s shape and size…i’m happy with who i am as a person…

  46. heyhowyadoin Says:

    ok…what i mean is…

    i’ve battled with my weight all my life….i’m 5’8″ and i’ve been as heavy as 215…..and as light at 160…

    right now i’m around 180, which is a pretty good weight for me….

    sometimes i just wanna eat, ya know??

    but no matter what weight, i’ve always been pretty comfortable with myself….i try to dress well (that’s a HUGE thing) and just look my best…..

  47. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Hey, heyhowyadoin- I was just watching that show at lunch. I love that show! They really do show you that you can look great at any size…if you have $5k and two stylists to help you select the perfect wardrobe!

    And, I’m happy with myself in the sense of being a sensitive, intuitive, loyal friend…a witty and intelligent conversationalist (if I do say so myself), a pretty stylish chick…someone who perseveres…BUT even when I look my best…I’m not happy with the way I look. I don’t think I ever will be. It would take a miracle from God to heal that part of my psyche. Does this make me less desirable as a woman? (Speaking from a married man’s pov.)

  48. shelley Says:

    MMmmmm…interesting.

    Thanks for that.

    I’m going to have to think about it some.

    But I do know thing…your wife is a fortunate woman. 😉 I appreciate the time you’ve taken to explain it to us. That was pretty brave…jumping in female-infested waters!

  49. heyhowyadoin Says:

    bama….no, i don’t think it makes you less desirable as a woman….and you shouldn’t feel that way either!

    look…you don’t need 5 grand and two stylists to feel good about yourself…..of course no one is 100% happy with they way they look….

    and i’m sorry, but when people say “well then do something about it”…..that’s easier said than done…..like i said, some people just ARE NOT MADE to be thin….

    i’ve been fortunate that when i do want to loose weight, i can do it…but not everyone is like that…

    you can only do your best and make the best of what you have….ANYONE can look like a million bucks if they want to…..big or small!

  50. heyhowyadoin Says:

    shelly…you’re very welcome…i read over here once in a while and when i read what you girls were saying, i felt the need to chime in….

    and thanks for the nice comment…i’m very fortunate to have a wife like mrs. hey…..imagine your 46 year old husband being a freak over taylor hicks??

    har!

  51. shelley Says:

    NOLA…I hope you don’t mind sharing today…but…

    this is for heyhowyadoin

    Official Prize of the Day

  52. bamaborntxbred Says:

    But some people are made to be thin…and aren’t because I/we make bad choices or use food as our comfort. So, if/when I/we are not living to my/our potential I think that hurts more…and shames me/us more than anything. The weight shows the world what I/we’ve been up to…I/we wear our shame on the outside(the weight). So, it’s very difficult to be happy about that.

    Happy kittens dancing with yellow balloons and marshmallow fluff.

  53. heyhowyadoin Says:

    ha! thanks for the prize shell!

  54. heyhowyadoin Says:

    bama….what makes you think you are made to be thin?? just because you once were thin??

    well i’ve got some enlightening new for you…..YOUR BODY METABOLISM CHANGES WITH AGE…

    some people are born heavy and get thin, and visa versa….there’s no hard and fast rule…

    metabolisms change for many many reasons……

    be happy with who you are….if you can’t change what you don’t like about yourself, then stop dwelling on those negatives and get workin on enhancing the positives!!!

  55. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I know I’m supposed to be thin because whenever I quit eating like a linebacker and start eating normal portions of food…even the “bad” stuff. I get thin. I’m not talking scary skinny. I’m talking nice, curvy, and slender.

    What I keep getting stuck on is the “be happy with who you are statement” b/c I am happy with who I am…I am not happy with what I look like. And I know that is vain and shallow and that bothers me…but that is the truth. I am working on “my negatives” (which are more spiritual than physical) and I have always enhanced “my positives”…which is why I’m so wildly popular…;)

    I’m just discussing. And wondering. And musing. You know?

  56. heyhowyadoin Says:

    lol….i LOVE eating like a linebacker…

    in my opinion, who we are is not only what’s on the inside, but what’s on the outside too…it’s a combination….that’s just a fact…it may not be a good one, but in this day and age, right or wroing, that’s just how it is….

    sound like you and i ARE in the same boat in that we CAN loose weight if we WANT to…..WANT being the magic word…like i said in my previous post, sometimes i just WANT to eat…

  57. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Oh yeah. I loooove eating. Besides sleeping, it’s my favorite thing ever. Like I said early in this comment section, I am currently in control of my eating, etc. (Expect this past weekend when my Momma was feeding me home cookin’.) What I want to do…what I really want to do…is find the key to changing my attitudes about food…and how I use it. I will never stop enjoying it. I will never give up real butter and heavy cream poured over hot blackberry cobbler….but I can learn to not eat the whole pan.

    And, okay…Dallas is like plastic surgery capital of the South. It’s like living in L.A. I don’t personally like the look…but it’s very looks driven here. Blech!

    I make it sound like I’m an ogress. I’m not. I’m super-hawt. Well, okay, maybe just cute…but whatever.

  58. heyhowyadoin Says:

    ok…so you’re wildly popular and super hot….

    i don’t see any problem here!!

    ;>)

  59. bamaborntxbred Says:

    And I’m not delusional at all!

  60. Squeebee Says:

    Well, I was at work this AM, so I missed a fair bit of the conversation. A few things to add:

    Bama: I am with DD on the significant other thing. Yes, I know my husband loves me unconditionally, and it bothers him when I make negative comments about my body. But I can’t help but feel like he would be happier if his wife was HAWT. I mean, what man wouldn’t?

    On the WW issue: I would be interested to see what percentage of women over 30 in Canada and the United States have tried WW at least once. Seems like most of us here have (including me!) I think it’s a great program, but it’s true that you have to be ready for it to work. We could start up our own WW meetings by the looks of it!

    Jax and heyhowyadoin….welcome and it’s great to hear your views on things too!

  61. shelley Says:

    Squeebee…are you in Canada?

  62. Squeebee Says:

    Yes Shelley…Vancouver area 🙂

  63. shelley Says:

    how very cool!

  64. susieq3c Says:

    Yep. I agree with Quossom. It’s all an internal process. And the startling number of anorexics running around, esp. in Hollywood is proof that thin does not always equal happy. Food, psyche, weight, body image…very complicated topic indeed. If i had more time, I’d go deeper.

  65. Squeebee Says:

    I’m glad ya think so, eh? 😉
    I am waiting (im)patiently for Taylor’s solo tour to come up here. Would you all say a prayer for me??

    And now,back to your regularly scheduled programming……

  66. shelley Says:

    Aww…he SHOULD add Canada to the tour! 😉

  67. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Shelley, please check your email. I sent you something extremely frightening.

  68. shelley Says:

    Bama…where did you send to? I have nothing in my box(es).

    Send to monkbottalk@gmail.com .

  69. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Hmmm…maybe that’s a sign…maybe I shouldn’t send it. Oh, well. I don’t believe in signs anyway.

    I sent it to your Shelley addy. I replied to your email from last night earlier too. Did you get that?

  70. nolagirl Says:

    I don’t mind sharing Prize of the Day AT ALL! Heyhowyadoin deserves a nice piece of Mandisa for all his good comments! 🙂

    On the point about enjoying eating. I live in the fattest city in the country – trust me, I know alllll about that! Any little thing is reason for a party, with booze, and lots of food! Doesn’t help the waistline too much. But I have also found that I am an emotional eater at times, but really just an overeater. I’m trying to really work on that because I think and read about how moderation, moderation, moderation is SO important.

  71. shelley Says:

    I’m a bored and a habitual eater. I don’t even wait to get hungry before I eat.

    However, if I’m doing something I enjoy…something outside primarily…I don’t even give food the first thought.

    This makes things even more difficult. The things I enjoy that are active (not at the computer or in front of the TV) are hiking, camping, and canoeing…not things a single gal can really do by herself safely. NONE of my friends enjoy these kinds of activities. The last person in my life who did…was my last boyfriend…a long…long…long…time ago.

  72. double d Says:

    Back to the reason we’re really all here…

    HOW ABOUT THE VEST?

    …..can I get an Amen?…

  73. Shrewspeaks Says:

    What the heck is going on? Dayum work…I missed all the dangnabit fun

  74. nolagirl Says:

    Mmmmm …. vest … mmmmm.

    Love an unexpected look like that!

  75. shelley Says:

    Amen, DD!

    Shrew…here ya go.

  76. Squeebee Says:

    Shelley…you had me rolling on the floor with that comment at GC. Bravo!

    Can I just say that I am not particularly fond of the new picture GC has up? I think the idea behind it is nice, but Taylor has kind of a manic look in his eyes or something.

    Commence the stoning….;)

  77. shelley Says:

    hey…i don’t like the pic because i can’t see the wattle.

    i mean, what’s a taylor without a wattle? right?

  78. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Hmmm…

  79. nolagirl Says:

    Do you mean a little double chin action when you say “wattle” Shelley? I think that’s what you mean, but I have never heard that word.

    Anyway, he is not going to have as much of a “wattle” since he has lost weight, right? At least that’s what I would think. 🙂

  80. Squeebee Says:

    Shelley…it’s there, it’s just hiding behind the enormous collar. Use your imagination! 😉

  81. double d Says:

    I don’t like SERIOUS Taylor. period.

    But the VEST, that’s another story…mmmmmm.

    If only: a picture of Taylor SMILING, in a vest, and BOOTS….uumh, uumh, uumh.

  82. Squeebee Says:

    Now you’re talking, DD….amen to THAT!

  83. Shrewspeaks Says:

    What the hell…did someone yell “Nice onion” in Taylor’s general direction? I mean that’s not just serios Taylor…that is I am pissed Taylor

  84. shelley Says:

    SqeeBee…imagination now clicked to “On” 😉

    DD…I agree…vest = yummy

    Shrew…he does look pissed.

    NOLA…tsk, tsk, tsk…you must have missed this post.

  85. nolagirl Says:

    No, I saw that post. And didn’t know what wattle meant then either, but just inferred from the context. So I thought I’d actually show my ignorance and ask this time wattle was mentioned! 🙂

    —-

    DD, I agree, we could see a smile. I wonder if “they” are trying to steer clear of the “wacky crazy guy” that he got dubbed as on Idol. I can see that. He wants to be taken seriously, so is photographed looking …. serious. But a smile doesn’t equal “wacky crazy guy”!

  86. shelley Says:

    Wait a minute!!!!

    Did we just dissolve this soul-searching, enlightening conversation into talk about Taylor’s hawtness?

    Gasp

    I’m deducting 5 Monkbot Points from everyone involved in these shenanigans!

  87. double d Says:

    “Now that the depression part of our show is over….”

  88. Shrewspeaks Says:

    *hang head in shame* But Gray just posted the Great Pumkin Welcome…hmmmm

  89. nolagirl Says:

    Welllll …. my post about wattle did mention the word WEIGHT, so I think I’m pretty much in the clear.

  90. shelley Says:

    ROFL @ DD!!!!

    She’s redeemed and gets a bonus of 10 Monkbot Points.

  91. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Haaahaa Nola…way to go!

  92. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Ummm…Shelley, I’m really hangin’ out to dry here…but after a whole day of hangin’ out the dirty laundry of self-image and all….

    Pleeeease, pleeeease validate me as a person! Pleeeeease!

  93. shelley Says:

    bama = validated person

    what’s wrong? i left you a voicemail. still haven’t gotten your e-mail.

  94. Shrewspeaks Says:

    I can’t leave Bama hangin’ here…I like you I really like you, just as you are.

    Umm, DD did you get James’s Cd?

  95. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Shut. Up. I sent it to your monkbot mail and your Shelley mail. The fates are conspiring against me. Oh, well…I don’t know what else to do. The impulse is gone. Hopefully you’ll get the email…and that you’ll like me in spite of it all. 😉

    Thanks Shrew. I like you too.

  96. double d Says:

    Bama – for validation read yesterday’s thread and my comments about you.

    Shrew — Sweet Baby James tonight @ home.

  97. nolagirl Says:

    My JT CD just shipped out today, so I won’t have it for a few days I guess. 😦

    Bama – You are my partner in Kidd Kraddick. Of course you are the shiznit. 😉

    (btw, did you hear the whole song for Kellie’s baby thing that that asked Taylor to sing when the other Taylor interviewed him, but he said no? It was VERY interesting!)

  98. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I did earlier DD! You are so sweet! Who knew I’d be so missed!

    I am rather amusing, aren’t I? I’m glad y’all had the tenacity to carry on w/o me…for 120+ comments…

  99. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Hey Nola! No, actually I haven’t been listening the last couple of days b/c (believe it or not) I’ve been buckling down at work. I would love to hear that! Were they bitches to him?

    Btw y’all, I sent Shelley pics of myself…so I needed validation that she didn’t hate the very sight of me. You know, that I’m not too fat, or too thin, or too short, or too tall, or too geeky or to chic-y…or whatever. I’m just feeling extra vulnerable after all this discussion today. Damn! You’d think I just sent my pics to a potential match.com date or something. I love you Shelley…just not like that. 😉

  100. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Can we discuss the Great Pumpkin thingy? Or is that another MonkBot Point demerit?

    She asks with big puppy eyes

  101. Shrewpeaks Says:

    My mad hot link skills failed…damn you cna’t post and run to a meeting

    trying again

  102. shelley Says:

    You got it, Shrew.

    Check out the new post.

  103. Squeebee Says:

    Ok back to the Taylor pic for a minute…I know you are all done talking about it but I have something to say!

    If someone could capture that cute smile from when Taylor sang DIMYP the first time, it would be my favorite picture evah!

    (fangirl off)

  104. shelley Says:

    I totally know what you’re talking about, SqueeBee.

    MMmmm…

  105. nolagirl Says:

    That’s so cute that you sent Shelley pics, Bama! 🙂 Oh, the Kidd Kraddick thing. So apparently Kidd wrote a song for Kellie’s baby, as a gift to her. Hey had the sheet music made up and put the song on a CD and everything. When Taylor interviewed Taylor H. (which I never did hear btw) they asked him to do it, and even brought a guitar, the CD, music, etc. He said no. And his people were like HELL TO THE NO, and pretty much made her leave, which is why she said the interview ended up being so short. So they got some other guy to sing it and afterwards they were all like “Oh this guy is way better than Taylor doing it anyway” (of COURSE – they were never big Taylor lovahs anyway)

  106. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Kidd is such an ass sometimes. And he gives out bad info a lot. (Why you gotta act like you know when you don’t know?)

    Aren’t I cute? I just want Shelley to like me…and be my friend…forever…and forever…and forever….Ah Hahaahhaaaahahahhaaa!

    Just kidding.

  107. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Ehemmm…BIG SAD PUPPY EYES…Hello?

  108. nolagirl Says:

    EXACTLY, Bama!

    You mean, like, BFF 4 EVAH????

    omigod that is like so like totally cool

    😉

  109. shelley Says:

    Shrew…I posted a new post for you! Pay attention! Go to the home Monkbot page!

  110. Quossum Says:

    Wow, well lookee here at what I started! What about a lil’ Prize o’ the Day action for the Q-ster, huh? Gettin’ all controversial and stuff, startin’ people up…

    What can I add that hasn’t been said?

    Well…I have to say that I haven’t been subjected to the kind of negative comments that some of you have (the weird old crone at JCPenney’s excepted, of course). I have had self-esteem issues, but they were more focused on a sense of just…being a failure in general, or worrying that people hated me in general rather than on my weight issue.

    I’ve also been plagued with depression (and have the therapy bills to prove it!), and the whole, “Just cheer up!” comments I would get seem equivalent to the “Just lose weight!” comments. Yeah, like it’s that easy.

    I agree it has nothin’ to do with being Christian, either, ’cause I am that thing and, well…Asking God to make me thin = bad. Asking God to help me deal with myself and bring me closer to Him = good.

    I always assumed I would be single my whole life so wasn’t really “driven” to get a man, though of course I’ve had my lonely times. I met James by happenstance (we were both at my sister’s wedding), and ne’er has a word concerning my weight passed his lips, though he’s said he’s proud of me for going to the gym and says I’m “looking fit.” But then, he doesn’t mind unshaven legs and pits and no makeup, either. (How’s that for TMI?) And he’s a bit furry and hefty himself–to which I say, “So what?”

    It’s easy to say, “You’ve got to *want* to change.” Well, dammit, of course I want to change! I’m fat! But no, wanting *doesn’t* make it happen.

    I found that, curiously enough, I had to actually *stop* wanting it so badly, because when I wanted it, there was a chance I could not get it, and there I am, setting myself up for failure all over again. If I tried to lose weight and didn’t, there I am, a loser. (Or, uh…NOT a loser…you know what I mean!) I had to reach a point where I said, “Okay, so this is what I’m going to do. It has nothing to do with want. It has nothing to do with try. It has to do with what I’m going to do.

    So there.

    –Q

  111. banda Says:

    Ok, don’t kick me if this topic is already dead, but I had to chime in. Ladies, I am 5 3 and weigh about 118 pounds give or take a big dinner. That’s low normal. I wear a size 4. And let me tell you, not a day goes by that the media does not make me feel chubby. Why? Because I’m not supposed to be a 4. I’m supposed to be a perfectly chiseled TWO. That’s right, or a 0. I’m a 34D! How the hell could I be a size 0? When I was a kid, it seemed that celebrities looked fairly normal. Farrah Fawcett was our ideal and damn it, she had THIGHS. We were not supposed to be walking around on sticks. (Remember in Annie Hall, how Shelley Duval looked astoundingly, unattractively skinny?) It’s only gotten worse – if you look at Playboy circa 1965, those women would be positively plump. So here’s the thing – by making starvation a goal, no one feels the desire to lose weight. It makes it feel impossible to be accepted. I go with the French. Eat what you like, enjoy your food, stop eating when you aren’t hungry anymore. And if people think you’re fat, f**k em.

    Being fairly slender by nature hasn’t helped my life or love life in any way. In fact, my ex preferred big women! LOL!

  112. NOLAgirl Says:

    Loved your input, banda! Thanks for chiming in. 🙂

  113. shelley Says:

    Banda, I’m so glad you gave your input. I never thought of the plight of the “tiny” girl…I guess we all have our demons.

    Thanks for sharing, seriously, it really helps.

    Q…you’re right…above everyone else…you started this talk…so here you go…

    Supremely Official Prize of the Day

  114. double d Says:

    Q – wunderbar!

    And Banda, GREAT to “see” you again…great points. If you have any doubt about society’s “eye’s” today, take a look at Kate Bosworth on the cover of PEOPLE. It’s downright appalling that people think THAT looks good.

  115. Quossum Says:

    In the following comment, Q will reveal how truly shallow she is, therefore cancelling all the intelligent, thoughtful comment from earlier today. You have been warned.

    All right, I got the prize! Let me just click here and see it……

    !!!!

    Holy rooty-patootie! Hubba hubba! *pant pant pant* Ah-OOOogah! Ah, yeah, that’s the stuff!

    –Q

  116. Ash Says:

    This is totally the wrong post to comment on, but I really gotta know..

    When did GC start to look like Tim Curry?

  117. shelley Says:

    Ash…it’s kinda been the descriptor I’ve used to describe Gray.

    You think it’s not accurate? 😉

  118. Jax Says:

    Take a nap & come back … wow lots to catch up on everywhere!

    Bama & Squee thans for the welcome

    Sorry Shelley.. I did love the pic!

    Bama… I am married to my best friend & it’s great. This May we will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. That DOES NOT mean everything has always been rosy & there were a couple of huge ultimatums along the way. My daughter’s teenage years were the worst. It took me years and years to realize he was going to stay… early childhood issues there. Hang in there I am convinced the right person is out there for everyone.

  119. Ash Says:

    I do find it kind of endearing.

    But can Gray work the thigh highs and heels?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    nevermind. I don’t think I want to know.

  120. TKls2myhrt Says:

    I’ve never been skinny past age 12. I was very full figured as a teen and HATED it. Same thing as fat to a teenager! I didn’t becoming over my ideal weight until my later 30’s. That 5 pounds a year adds up after ten years to a much larger number. In your 40’s, your metabolism slowly way, way down. I’m facing an uphill battle that I MUST climb.

    I learned something very scary the other day: excess body fat causes a rise in estrogen which can lead to very unpleasant things like, cancer of female internal body parts. I just got a negative biopsy back, so I had a good scare for my own benefit.

    If anyone wants to form a Soul Patrol chapter for losing excess weight, I’d join.

  121. shelley Says:

    Hey TKls2myhrt, I feel ya!

    Excess body fat also increases testoterone…which leads to excess facial hair and hair LOSS! Yikes.

    I thought about an online support group…but I know I’m not ready for that. Keep me posted if anyone does form one…I’ll put a link and, maybe if I get brave, I’ll join one day. 😉

    Thanks for the post, and I’m so relieved the biopsy was negative.

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