Screw Rosie…I Wanna Be June

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Taylor Hicks…John Krasinski…George Clooney.

All are beautiful men with wit and talent.

All, I’m sure, would sparkle with conversation and make me feel like the most special woman in the world.

All, I know, would gladly scale the trellis under my balcony to bring me a single, perfect rose.

All, I’m convinced, would stroke my silky hair and look deep into my adoring eyes and whisper softly that my beauty renders them both weak and strong at once.

All, I absolutely believe, would leave me little love notes on my pillow each morning, which I would tuck away in an old cigar box kept at the bottom of my lingerie drawer.

All, I’m certain, would proclaim their affection for me from atop the highest point on Earth…just because I was feeling a little blue one day.

And all of this would be very nice.

But it’s not why I want them.

It’s not why I want any man.

It’s because then…finally…I’d have someone to…

MOVE THE DAMN CLOTHES DRYER AND CLEAN THE VENT DUCT WHEN IT’S NEAR MIDNIGHT AND THE COMFORTER IS STILL NOT DRY AFTER THREE CYCLES!!

sigh

But…since Taylor is busy recording…John is busy taping episodes of “The Office”…and George is busy not running for office…it may be time to consider a mail-order groom.

After all…even though I was able to clean the vent myself tonight (after literally screaming at the stupid dryer for not budging until I had nearly thrown my back out)…the roof still needs clearing of debris…the chimney still needs cleaning…and the front bath still needs a new toilet.

Forget a lover…I’ll gladly wash the underwear of the man who’ll do any of those things.

Here’s to all the single gals out there who take out their own trash…pump their own gas…pay their own bills…and clean their own damn dryer vents.

Cheers!

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59 Responses to “Screw Rosie…I Wanna Be June”

  1. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Go on vacation alone…

  2. claire Says:

    Now HERE’s some Independant Women!!

    Buffy Rawks.

    And yay for the girls who change their own damn tyres!!

  3. claire Says:

    Look Shelley, look!! Hotlinks!! I’m a big girl now….

  4. shelley Says:

    Amen Shrew!!!!! I know it’s early in the day…but I’m going to go ahead and award the Official Prize of the Day to Shrew…a single gal in the City of Love…by HERSELF!

    Claire, I’m so proud of your hot-linking skills! 😉

    Okay…here’s two more…the single gal must kill roaches by herself and the single gal must shovel up dead rat carcasses by herself (this happened to me three years ago…gross)!

    What else y’all got!?

  5. Phyllis Says:

    I’m a “June” and feeling positively guilty and spoiled! Cheers to ya’ll! I do have a single friend or two who borrow the hubby for assistance in these matters.

  6. shelley Says:

    Phyllis…can I borrow him this weekend to clean the room and install a new toilet?

    😉

  7. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I wanna be Marilyn..but w/o all the mental hang-ups and 20 marriages. Is that an option??

    I really love my independent life…that’s why I live in an apt and have an army of maintenence men at my beck and call. (Oh the power!) I’m considering buying a house or a condo in the next year or two…but I’m a little a-feared of the responsibility.

    Shrew-I’ve been considering doing some traveling by myself too. Most of my friends want to vacation in Mexico or the Carribbean…while I want to go to Charleston, SC or Savannah, GA or on a random road trip. I don’t think I could convince my friends that a tour of a plantation or museum would be as much fun as laying on a beach getting drunk.

  8. shelley Says:

    Um…Bama…who can afford “an army of maintenence men at my beck and call”?

    Send me any extra $50s you have lying around your apt.

    Yeah…the home-ownership thing…it’s weird, I feel just like I do when I lived in my apartment…except when there is a frog in the fireplace or a dead rate on the back patio or a snake in the shrub or opossums at my front door or a wasp next hanging from the eave…or…

    Also…waves hand in the air…I like roadtrips to the Carolinas…Me! Me!

  9. ivoryhut Says:

    Shelley, if you are anywhere near the tri-state area, I will gladly come over and install that toilet for you. Am not single anymore, but still do all the single-woman stuff I used to do. And I didn’t even need an invisible plane or armored wrist and headbands! 🙂

    I have two brothers who will still call me for handysis work. As my mom likes to say when asked how many children she has: “I have two sons and a boy.”

    Shhh. Don’t tell my husband. He might catch on and find out that I do know how to operate that riding mower outside.

  10. shelley Says:

    ivoryhut gets the Monkbot Medal of Honor for offering to install my toilet…or as we call it on the street…Pimp My Guest Bath.

    Um…don’t think I’m stoopid but…what is considered the tri-state area?

  11. Squeebee Says:

    Just a word to the wise….not all men are the “handyman” type. I love my husband, but the trade off to having married an artistic/musical soul (which I LOVE) is that anything that needs repair involves a call to friends/family or a repairman.

    So, needless to say, I probably do the majority of things that you single gals do for yourselves. (Yes, I change tires, too!)

  12. shelley Says:

    Awwww, Squeebee…don’t bust my bubble, chica!

    😉

    Well…even if he’s artistic and soulful and can’t unclog a drain…he’s a warm bundle to snuggle with on a cold evening.

    Sure, I have Sadie…but her breath is KICKIN’.

  13. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Shelley- yer funny! I don’t pay the maintenence men! They just kind of come with the price of the apt., ya know? So, it’s a trade-off…I don’t own my place, I don’t have a yard, I have someone living upstairs and downstairs from me….but, hey, if my toilet breaks at 3 a.m., the maintenence man is required to show up! (Which is a luxury I’ve never exercised b/c I think it’s mean.)

    Critters don’t bug me so much…unless they’re dead. Then I feel sad and I might have to have a little funeral for it. 😉 But I think we all know how I feel about insects…or a couple of choice insects. I don’t know what I’d do if I had a house and it was infested or something…ewwww!

  14. claire Says:

    I just had my hair coloured for the first time ever!! I look hawt! Just thought I’d share.

    Ireland is having an infestation of ENOURMOUS house spiders at the moment. It’s especially creepy at work, I’ve been literally cornered by a couple of hee-yooge critters in the last few weeks. Not good for the patients!! Last thing you want to see before being anaesthetised is a big fecking spider. (well, actually, the last thing you’d probably want to see is your doctor leafing through a copy of “Surgery for Dummies”, LOL)
    I’ve seen a couple in my apartment also, which is very disconcerting. Are they coming out when I’m asleep and practising theur bungee-jumping skills down my throat?? Ewww. Saw a report recently that we “eat” an average of 80 spiders during our lifetime while asleep. Double ewww!!

    Enjoy your coffee, everyone!

  15. double d Says:

    Don’t assume that all men a.) can fix things; b.) are great bug or varmit hunters; c.) are electronically inclined.

    Many highly-evolved males cannot provide such “comfort”. I know, I married one. So, not only do I have to fix my own snafu’s, but his and my son’s…triple the work.

    Remember, in the immortal words of Little Richard: “The grass may be greener on the other side, but you still got to mow it.”

    word.

  16. Squeebee Says:

    Sawry, Shelley! 😉 Yes, a warm bundle is definately a plus,,,I’ll give ya that!

  17. Squeebee Says:

    DD……word.

  18. nolagirl Says:

    Squeebee – that is just what I was going to say! My dad is the antithesis of a handyman. My mom mows the lawn for God’s sake, and fixes the toilet and anything else. Did I mention that my mom is Wonder Woman? Cuz she is. She has like real bicep muscles and everything. She could whip my ass. My friends used to call her Hercules when I was in high school b/c she had such nice, muscular legs for a “mom.” (Does anyone else thing of The Nutty Professor instantyl when you hear “Hercules” or is it just me??)

    I have to say that dealing with roaches (thankfully it didn’t happen too often) was the No. 1 time when I most wished that I wasn’t living alone and that Dwain, my dad or one of my brothers were there. That was THE WORST for me. Thankfully I lived in an apt., so like Bama, had the maintenance peeps at my disposal.

  19. shelley Says:

    Bama…LOL @ “Then I feel sad and I might have to have a little funeral for it.”

    Um…there is no way on this Earth that I felt sorry for the dead rat at my back door. It was disgusting. And having to shovel it up and drop it in a hefty bag…watching its gross tail slide over the edge of the bag made me want to wretch.

    As for a bug infestation…did I tell you about my experience with Bengal roach spray a few years back?

    Horror. Terror. Nightmare.

    I was having a problem with flying roaches at my house. I was killing about one or two a NIGHT. So I bought some Begal cause it was supposed to be great.

    I got home and sprayed in and around every crack and crevice where the problem was (my fireplace…now called the the pit of demons). In about three minutes, a little roach crawled out.

    “Ah HA! I got you!” I yelled.

    I sprayed some more…near emptying the can into the walls of my home.

    A few seconds later…three more larger roaches crawled out.

    Then another five.

    And 10 more…20…50…100…200…

    Roaches started flying out of my fireplace and crawling up the mantle…over pictures of my family and loved ones.

    They were zooming through the air to the ceiling fan.

    I started screaming and hyperventalating. I began running between the two doors of my living room…trying to keep the evil little bugs of darkness from entering other parts of my house.

    I called my dad in Biloxi…crying hysterically into the phone. He tried to calm me down…and then he started yelling for me to calm down. He told me to leave the house…but I couldn’t. What if these things didn’t stop coming out the walls and they filled up my floors and got in my clothes.

    I was totally freaking out.

    Dad stayed on the phone with me for a while. He was in angst as to whether he should get in the car and drive nearly three hours to kill these things.

    But, finally, I began to notice the bugs were slowing down. They were stopping on the carpet about halfway into the room and dying. They were falling from mid-flight to the floor. The Bengal was working.

    In about 20 minutes it was over.

    Twenty minutes of sheer hell.

    I was shaking like crazy…but I was calming down. I told Dad to stay in Biloxi…all would be okay.

    I called a friend and she came over and helped me with the undertaking of ridding my living room of hundreds of dead, huge flying roaches.

    It was disgusting.

    Moral of the story…if you use Bengal Roach Spray…be aware that it doesn’t just kill…it FLUSHES and kills.

    So spray…and then get the hell out of dodge.

  20. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Claire- I’m going to kill myself now. Thanks for your entire post. I will never, ever sleep again.

  21. double d Says:

    Yeah, and in case you’ve never seen a Louisiana roach, know that NOLA had to be petrified. They are literally 3 inches long and FLY.

  22. shelley Says:

    Claire…LOL at “Surgery for Dummies”!

  23. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Ummm…Now, thanks to Shelley. Seriously guys? Why? Are you trying to make me actually consider living like the bubble boy for the rest of my life? (They can’t get me there.) Cuz I will!

  24. double d Says:

    Evidently, the roaches in Mississippi are cousins to the Louisiana ones…They just say y’all instead of cher.

  25. claire Says:

    LOL Bama, sorry. Hey, at least we’re asleep when it happens, right?

    Shelley, your roach spray sounds like the Roach Spray of Death (From Hell).Thank God we don’t have roaches over here.
    Hey, did you ever see that episode of ER where this lady came in with a strange crawling sensation in her ear…..

  26. shelley Says:

    Y’all are in rare form today…and totally cracking me up.

    DD…and the talking roaches.

    And Claire and her “fecking” spiders. (huzzah for the hair color, girl!)

    And sweet NOLA whose mom has Herculean legs (the visual of that skeers me a little)

    And…little Bama…so fragile. This is for you sweet pea.

  27. Squeebee Says:

    It’s at times like these that I thank God Almighty that I live in a roach-free zone. Thank all y’all for the horrid images that are burned into my brain forever!

  28. shelley Says:

    Squee…what part of the country are you in that doesn’t have roaches? I thought they were everywhere.

    Claire…so Ireland is without the Satan bug, huh? Nice. I need to move there.

    Oh…about the roach in the ear…I worked with a woman who had that happen.

    Ga-ross.

  29. Squeebee Says:

    Shelley…I am in B.C. Off to work now…have a great day!

  30. shelley Says:

    Note to self: Move to B.C.

    Have a great day at work, Squee! 😉

  31. claire Says:

    Shelley – I think you might miss the nice Mississippi weather. Ours is pretty crappy most of the time, although to be fair, we had a really lovely summer. (I blame global warming myself.)Usually it’s raincoats at the beach and goosebumps in August.

    I spent a summer in Long Island when I was 19. I started to sweat the moment I stepped off the plane at JFK. I only stopped sweating 3 months later when we landed back at Dublin. Mmmmm…chafe-y!!

  32. Shrewspeaks Says:

    I really am not worthy of the POTD Award…seeing as I have pastries to keep me company. 🙂 Well, that and the WINE!

  33. shelley Says:

    MMMMmmmmm…patries.

    I’d give up patries for Taylor, John or George.

  34. claire Says:

    Shrew!! How are you enjoying Gay Paree?? You simply MUST try Pain au Raison. mmm-mmm. You’ve probably had it before, but it tastes soooo much better in France. Eat it with a Hot Chocolat and a bored expression on your face, just like the French!!! Is it chilly there at the mooment?

  35. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Claire- You should come to Texas in August. That would be fun for you.

    Shelley- I was thinking about buying a pretty new winter coat…but I might get that bubble boy suit instead…

  36. shelley Says:

    I LOVE the coat…especially the darts. Very nice.

    Um…but do folks wear wool coats in Texas…at least for more than three days out of the year?

  37. Bobo Says:

    Careful what ya wish for Shelley….sometimes what we get, doesn’t turn out to be what we were led to believe it was!! As someone married to one who is always on the road, I am doing it single-handedly most of the time.

    Agreed, hats off to the single gals who are plunging the toilet at midnight or trying to figure out the funny noise coming from the furnace in 20degrees weather.

    None-the-less, I always secretly yearned to be Donna Reed!

  38. shelley Says:

    Bobo…I actually wanted to post a pic of Donna Reed instead of June Cleaver…but I couldn’t find “just the right pic.”

    You know, I Martha Stewart is a great example of a woman who’s been single, married and single again…and can do for herself.

    But I still wonder if Martha does ALL the dirty work herself.

  39. claire Says:

    Bama, I’m guessing the chafe factor in Texas in August is pretty high. *shudder*

    Hey, if I could find a guy who would just pay half my bills, I’d be happy with that. Let the Rabbit take care of the rest!! 😉

    (Oh no she di’nt!!)

  40. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Shelley- The one thing you can know about TX weather…is that you can never know about TX weather. You leave the house in a tank top and it drops 40 degrees by lunch time. It’s retarded. My mantra in the winter is layers, layers, layers! And, if I had that coat…It would be worth the 3 days of use! It’s so pretty

    bobo- That’s my idea of the perfect husband…one that’s gone most of the time! 😉

  41. nolagirl Says:

    DD – hee hee. Roaches saying y’all and cher.

    Oh, the ER episode that was mentioned reminded me… did we ever discuss the random and funny case on GA’s last week with the ex-lovers “stuck” together??? I about died when the daughter walked in. Oh the horror.

    —–

    In other news, Dwain talked to Meg Ryan AGAIN on Sunday. She was grocery shopping in Kroger and this time needed some help with allergy meds. Dwain ran to her rescue, as any good man would do.

    P.S. He said she didn’t look as funky this time. 😉

  42. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Claire- NO SHE DI’INT!!!

  43. claire Says:

    Bama – mmm-hmmm!!!

    Shelley, what’s with the cryptic posts at GC? Do share!! We won’t tell!!

  44. nolagirl Says:

    I heart Claire.

    Oh, and Bama, it wouldn’t let me view your coat. Damnit! I love coats. I bet it is pretty….

  45. shelley Says:

    Claire said, “Hey, if I could find a guy who would just pay half my bills, I’d be happy with that.”

    AMEN SISTER!!!!!!!

    NOLA…Meg needs to BACK OFF YO MAN!

  46. shelley Says:

    Ah, Claire…cryptic is my middle name…or is it?

  47. nolagirl Says:

    So, would that make you Joan Cryptic Shelley Powers or Joan Shelley Cryptic Powers??

    Claire – No worries. I mean, come on me or Meg Ryan?? Puh-lease! 😉

  48. nolagirl Says:

    I mean, Shelley, not Claire – oops

  49. shelley Says:

    You’re right…I’d pick you over Meg ANYDAY! 😉

  50. nolagirl Says:

    Oh, I just remembered. I missed a HUGE fiasco involving a critter at the office on Friday, and lemme tell ya, thank GOD I wasn’t there! Apparently a mouse ran from the office next door into MY office, where then a chase attempted capture ensued. Things were moved in my office when I got here Monday and I heard the whole story. EWWWW.

  51. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I think mouses are cute.

  52. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Okay y’all…how long has TH.com been up and none of you posted over here about it? I am going out to dinner and there better be some non-glitterific thoughts when I get back.

    PS- the “downloads section” is really creepy to me

  53. claire Says:

    Someone commented on the empty “Appearances” section. “Coming soon”?? WTF? We’ve known about them for days courtesy of GC!!! And no bio? Again, WTF?? I don’t want to know about AI or the record company. I want to hear personal thoughts from Taylor on HIS site about HIS journey. It looks nice, but the adverts at the top and bottom of the pages for Arista etc, jar my eye a bit. However, I think it has potential, after all that….I’m sure the message boards will be up and running soon.

  54. double d Says:

    I think it’s appalling. Taylor was virtually “made” by the online community, yet it’s the one channel that no-one is really paying attention to. How stupid?!?
    It feels like someone felt pressure to do something and they just threw it out there. Asthetically, it’s fine but there is NO substance…it would have been better to have kept the “mystique” of “wonder what it will look like and when will it be”…

    Can you say “dropped the ball”?

    If I were Taylor I’d be asking some questions.

  55. double d Says:

    And no Monkbot link? WTH?

  56. shelley Says:

    I put my official Monkbot opinion of the new site on the home page… let me know what you think.

  57. ivoryhut Says:

    Wow … I leave to go do furniture assembly stuff for my mom, and come back to find I won a medal. Woohoo! 🙂

    By the way, tri-state are would be NY-NJ-CT. Guess that’s a bit of a hike for your Mississippi-bound toilet …

  58. Shelley Says:

    Um…yeah, ivoryhut. I’d say I’d do better to build my own outhouse…instead of waiting for you to travel South to install my toilet. 😉

  59. Bobo Says:

    Hey Bama….I ain’t complainin’ mind ya!…Just sometimes gets alittle old raising a houseful of BOYS without a steady male influence….ya know, for those difficult “man talks”…LOL (they won’t tell/teach me anything!!)

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