Land of the Frost

by

Cleaning my kitchen Sunday…I stopped to really look at the contents of my fridge.

It’s very, very sad.

I’m a grown woman (37 next month) with the refrigerator of a college freshman.

The Freezer:
2 frozen chicken cutlets
1 pack of frozen peas
1 ice pack
8 ice cube trays

The Cooler
1/4 jar of salsa
2 cut onions (one white, one purple)
3/4 container of organic low fat plain yogurt
3/4 container free range chicken broth
1 kosher dill pickle spear
3 containers of water…put there the night before Katrina hit
1 lemon
1/5 pitcher of tea
1 can of coffee
2 bulbs of garlic
2 sweet potatoes
1 old tomato
2 gel eye masks

The Door
A fifth of Jack Daniels (I know, I know, it doesn’t need refrigeration…I just had no other place to put it)
Another can of Maxwell house, plus a bag of Hawaiian coffee
4 containers of jelly
7 bottles of salad dressing
1 bottle each of Teriyaki and Worcestershire sauces
1 jar of relish
3 opened boxes of Arm & Hammer baking soda
4 bottles of water (also put there the night before Katrina)
1 bottle ketchup
2 jars of mustard
1 jar of mayo
1 can of Parmesan cheese
1 Sleestack

Dinner at my house tomorrow at 8.

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63 Responses to “Land of the Frost”

  1. Shrewspeaks Says:

    I’ll be there!

    I shall bring the 3 month old broth and bottle of beer I have in my fridge.

    One question…Is the sleestack single?

  2. leejolem Says:

    I’ll bring my Tupperware container of various condiments from Taco Bell, McDonald’s, Hardee’s, Long John Silver’s, Wendy’s, etc… and Trader Joe’s green curry sauce bottle 1/8th full.

    I always kind of rooted for the Sleestacks to eat Holly. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but do you guys remember Lidsville with Charles Nelson Reilley? It was a weird 70’s show in the same vein as Land of the Lost. How about Land of the Giants?

    I hated to see the Saints lose yesterday. 😦
    The Colts game had me on the edge of my seat, and I’m no football fan. Go Colts!

  3. shelley Says:

    “Is the sleestack single?”

    Bwahahaha

    Lee…I don’t remember Lidsville…but I do recall this gem.

  4. nolagirl Says:

    Shelley, that is pretty sad! But … not as sad as I am that A)My Saints lost and B) I was good all week and GAINED 2 pounds.

    Signed,
    A sad clown in the dejected Who Dat Nation

  5. shelley Says:

    Poor NOLA…maybe this will make you feel better.

  6. Jan Says:

    Don’t feel too bad about the fridge. I will bring my garlic stuffed olive juice (I ate all the olives but like to drink the juice), my expired sour cream which I swear is still edible and my 3 month old apple juice.

  7. Mind Doc Says:

    I both loved and feared the the Sleestacks. Lee, I also kept hoping that something would eat Holly. I always hated the fact that she was left cooking the oversized fake food. And taking care of the stupid baby dinosaur.

    Shelley, my fridge is full of stuff, however it is stuff that no one eats or things that people should have eaten long ago. The amount of inedible stuff in the fridge is an exponential function of how many people live there, but that is no guarantee that anyone can find anything worth eating.

    However, I really, really need a Sleestack in my fridge.

  8. Mind Doc Says:

    by “lives there” I meant your house, not the refrigerator. No one in our house actually lives in the fridge.

  9. Mind Doc Says:

    And I not only remember Lidsville, but I remember The Bugaloos and the Banana Splits. It is a wonder that we all are not more obviously damaged by the great social experiment that was children’s television in the 1970’S.

  10. shelley Says:

    I think we are all damaged.

    This was another fav of mine.

  11. double d Says:

    Mind Doc — you are so ko-RECK. Those shows were SOOOO ’70’s. I mean, not only was the TV bad, the clothes were bad, hair and facial hair were bad, attitudes were bad, the economy was bad, and the lifestyles were bad.

    I was 6 in ’70 and 16 in ’80, so ALL of my formative years were in the’70’s. I watched ALL of these shows as a kid on Saturday morning along with The Jackson 5 and The Osmonds….and all WITHOUT a remote.

    As for the fridge…having a teenager makes it virtually impossible to keep food in the freezer or fridge, yet I manage to do it (hence, having to work). My problem is leftovers. Right now I have Lasagna (last week) with extra noodles in Ziploc that I’ll never use, Red Beans & Rice (from the Saints humiliation yesterday), smothered cabbage, 1/2 a baked potato, and a drawer full of beer.
    The freezer contains mostly easy, teenager-friendly junk like pizza rolls, cookie dough and Pizza pockets along with a box of Weight Watcher Oreo Cookie Bars.

  12. shelley Says:

    DD…I’m convinced it’s because so few of us DIDN”T have remotes that we tolerated so much 70s television.

    Loved the Jackson and Osmond clips….did anyone else noticed they danced the exact same way?

    Also…hilarious that the Jackson kids performed for a whole platoon of white guys. Pffttthhh.

    I know they were trying in the 70s to integrate racial diversity, but with the Jacksons singing and dancing for only white folks and with Fat Albert and the gang hanging out at the dump…I can see now that they truly had far to go.

    Cartoons in the 70s were like school in summertime…no class.

    (Just kidding…I love ’em.)

  13. TKls2myhrt Says:

    Mind Doc, you remembered the Sleestack! A good friend of mine had a Sleestack imitation in college that always cracked me up.

    I loved that show, longer than I probably should have: probably because of the age of Will, the son. I think there was a followup show a few years back. Off to Wikipedia…

  14. leejolem Says:

    Mind Doc, that is so true about the amount of people that live in your house affecting the amount of inedible stuff in your frig! My DH just cleaned our frig out and I don’t know how many doggie bags of 2-3 month old stuff he threw out. My oldest daughter is incapable of throwing anything away!

    Shelley, I like your theory about no remotes=acceptance of bad tv. Plus the fact that we only had 3 stations and 1 local affiliate that was fuzzy. It’s hard for me to even believe that we had so few choices. Do you think all the producers and writers were on LSD when they made these shows?

    I can’t wait to get home to watch all the clips (my mean employer has all of them blocked).

  15. jenfera Says:

    I just moved to my house 2-1/2 years ago. I cleaned out the fridge a few weeks ago. I found 3 separate, open jars of sweet pickle relish in 3 different places. How is that possible? We don’t even eat relish on a regular basis!

  16. leejolem Says:

    Relish has some weird asexual reproduction process that results in 2-3 jars per frig.

  17. shelley Says:

    I think they can cross-pollenate…I have a jar in the frige and one in the cabinet.

    Why?

  18. bamaborntxbred Says:

    The only thing that is constantly changing in my fridge is the tea pitcher and the cool-aid pitcher. I like my liquids!

    Otherwise, the same yogurt, pudding, oranges…and yes, relish, has been in my fridge for months. I just looked at the yogurt last night to see if I could bring one for lunch today…hmmm…I think June ’06 is a tad outta date…what do you think??

    My oranges are all shriveled and turning brown…sad…

    That’s the weird/hard thing about being single. “They” don’t really make food in single servings…you have to buy family portions and fill up your fridge w/leftovers. If I cook a meal, I eat it all week….sigh…

  19. double d Says:

    I was flabbergasted to find that we were actually OUT of Sweet Pickle Relish the other day when I went to make Potato Salad.

    I’ve NEVER been out of Relish (also not big relish users/eaters). So, to make sure it didn’t happen again, I bought two jars last week. One’s in the fridge, the other in the cabinet. I think I’m good for at least another 5 years.

  20. ivoryhut Says:

    I have nothing worthwhile to contribute regarding 70s shows (unless you want to be subjected to yet another re-enactment of Sesame Street dubbed in Filipino).

    But I do want to say to you, Shelley, that seeing chicken, frozen peas, yogurt, mustard, onion and garlic made me think that somewhere in there is a good recipe for dinner. (If you had any honey and curry powder, you’d be jammin’!)

    Of course, this is from someone who just had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for brunch.

  21. claire Says:

    “That’s the weird/hard thing about being single. “They” don’t really make food in single servings…you have to buy family portions and fill up your fridge w/leftovers. If I cook a meal, I eat it all week….sigh…”

    Bama, I hear ya. I always have to throw out jars of mayo and ketchup, for example, because I buy them when I actually need them for something I’m making, and then never use them again. I recently threw out an entire CUPBOARDFUL of baking ingredients that had gone out of date. Shameful!!!

    Ya know what’s in my fridge? My water filter jug, a carton of Tropicana, some eggs hovering dangerously close to their expiry date, and some baby fruit puree. (I eat it for my “sweet” hit. It’s yummy!)

    Wow. I need to go grocery shopping.

  22. shelley Says:

    claire…i know what you mean. flour, eggs, soda…they all end up in the garbage before i get to the bottom of the container.

    i can’t tell y’all how happy it makes me to know i’m not alone with me pitiful frig.

    my dad always teases me about it…but now i can say it’s not just me! πŸ˜‰

  23. ruhappytoseeme Says:

    wow, I remember all those shows. i remember really loving the bannanna splits lmao and there was a show with henrietta hippo and a frog cant remember tthe shows name for the life of me lol

    our fridge just got cleaned out, was stuff from xmas dinner in there still lol scary

  24. Rowan Says:

    Shelley – can I just compliment you on the Colgate ring of confidence ‘ping’ which radiated from your fridge in that photo? Wowzers. I got a new fridge-freezer last month, and I’m not sayin that there were ET-type NASA anti-contaminant polytunnels stretching from my front door to the disposal truck, but it was not far off it. Gak!

    Your fridge is a thing of beauty. even the severed head (the Sleestack?) is very neatly positioned so as not to drip on the other items. It did have me thinking though. Is it a big old dessicated turkey head left over from Thanksgiving? As it has that yellow corn-fed appearance, does that make our Alpha Female Monkbotess a cereal killer? Much to ponder.

    Put me down for a place at dinner. I am feeling rather discombobulated-guilty, as I sent the box of shortbread TM picked out for you in Edinburgh, along with Igor, as it was morally yours, and aready boxed-up when the weight-loss thread went up. Please feel free to feed the calorie-tastic all-butter shortbread to Sadie. Then your loss, so to speak, will have been her gain. The tin is nice and may prove useful. That makes me feel slightly better.

    Yikes on the Seventies shows…I am being beset with PTSD type flashbacks of Doughnut and stationary London buses driven by (shudder)loud stage-school children.I was Wednesday Adams, and used to imagine the Double-Deckers finding their cutesy junkyard hideout morphed into the MI motorway into London.

    I had just finished Double Deckers therapy…

  25. shelley Says:

    Diet or no diet…I’m going to enjoy those shortbreads (my favorite cookie with a glass of milk).

    Ever since you shared with us about Double Deckers, I’ve woken up at 2 a.m. each night with the terror tremors.

    Ha.

  26. claire Says:

    Heh – a Double Decker is also a chocolate bar ovah here…

    Ack…

  27. Denise Says:

    Shelley,
    You can make some Jack-in-the-Box sauce to put on the sleestak — equal amounts of ketchup, mustard and mayo but don’t know if you get E-coli or just bad 70’s dreams if you eat it. I liked Sigmund and the SeaMonsters and H.R. Puffinstuff during the 70’s. There were some TigerBeat cuties on those shows. But my absolute favorite Saturday show was EEK! the Cat and the Terrible Thunder Lizards they only stayed on for a year or two.

  28. shelley Says:

    Denise…glad you showed up to the party. πŸ™‚

    I must admit…I’ve never heard of EEK! or TTL.

  29. claire Says:

    Guys – seriously…this is what I grew up watching.
    I kid you not.

    Feel free to mock the Irish accent. πŸ™‚

  30. Rowan Says:

    Awww, Claire, that rawks!! Does the clip kick out just before the little puppet guy is eaten by the zebra, who has been edging ever closer and nibbling his shirt? Very very cool. Thanks for sharing! : )

  31. Rowan Says:

    Claire – I see your Bosco, and raise youThe Krankies

    (Pulls down visor and hunches shoulders, peering round shiftily.)

    The wee woman playing the part of the boy and girl is married to the tall guy. They were bizarre…

  32. Rowan Says:

    Grrr. Link worked the first time, but it poofed my post when I played it back in preview. trying again…sorry…

    The Krankies

  33. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Rowan- Every time you post I just go on grinning for the rest of the day! The image of the NASA tunnel to remove your fridge is making my eyeballs run with glee-filled tears!

    Girls: Why don’t we invent single-people sized condiments and baking goods? We’d be rich! Then we could afford to buy the Monkcopter!

  34. claire Says:

    *narrows eyes and stares at Rowan*

    I will see your Krankies, and raise you Wanderly Wagon, a psychadelic trip through the fields of Ireland in a horse-drawn wagon populated with puppets and assorted oddballs.
    (This programme has acquired cult status over here.)

    Ah, 70’s childrens TV. Is there anything more trippy??

  35. leejolem Says:

    Denise, I forgot about Sigmund and the Seamonsters–that was Sid and Marty Kroft I think also. And my sister and I still sing The Double Deckah theme song. They were obnoxious children. I can’t wait to get home and click on all these links.

    You single peeps aren’t alone in your baking goods dilemma. I seriously have spices from my original spice rack that was a wedding present in 1985! I know I should throw them away, but I can’t bear the thought of throwing generic “barbeque seasoning” in the trash.

  36. claire Says:

    “Girls: Why don’t we invent single-people sized condiments and baking goods? We’d be rich! Then we could afford to buy the Monkcopter!”

    I am LOVING Bama today!!! πŸ™‚

    I’ve been looking for a business idear. hmmmm….Anybody want to go halfsies on the cash to set it up?

  37. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Y’all are scaring me with yer 70’s children’s TV programming…I vividly remember and still have nightmares about: Bozo the Clown.

  38. shelley Says:

    Hands down…Rowan and Claire win for what they had to endure as children.

    Official Prize of the Day goes overseas to our favorite lassies.

  39. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Claire- I’ve got about $7 bucks. Do you think that’s enough???

  40. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Our favorite wee lassies!!

  41. shelley Says:

    Bama…if you ever link to a clown again…I’ll kick you.

    Clowns scare the ever-lovin’ tar out of me.

  42. bamaborntxbred Says:

    Me too! Sorry.

    I really think Bozo is partly to blame for why I have heart palpitations at the sight of clowns.

    Hideous.

  43. claire Says:

    Aw, ’tis the good Doctor!!!

    *blush* Thanks Shell, I’m sure Rowan and I can share the prize o’ the day and not resort to scaring the bejesus out of each other with bad childrens TV and clowns!!

    On that note, I bid ye all goodnight. My duvet beckons, and sure ’tis cold outside…

    Bama – 7 bucks? Can I get a grande, non-fat, extra hot Chai Tea latte and a skinny peach and raspberry muffin instead of investing it in my business venture?? (hey, Starbucks is still a novelty over here, gimme a break…)

  44. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I wanna go sleepy-time too! Alas, it’s still the middle of the day…sigh…

    I could get that stuff for ya Claire, though it might be cold and moldy by the time it reached ya!

    Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite! (Gross.)

  45. double d Says:

    After Stephen King’s IT, I can’t even look at a clown.

    and then there’s the whole John Wayne Gacey thing….

    skeery dem clowns

  46. bamaborntxbred Says:

    I used to have a clown that lived next door to me. She insisted I call her by her clown name (Noodles) rather than her real name. She was very moody. One minute she was my best friend, showing up on my doorstep with a frog statue thingy and some shi-tzu stickers. The next day she was screaming obscenities at me b/c my dogs barked at her dog.

    This went on for months and months.

    Weird. O.

  47. leejolem Says:

    I’m a skeered of clowns too. I have never liked them. Pennywise the clown from IT freaked the heck out of me. In high school youth group at church they tried to get me to join Clown Ministry, and I just couldn’t. When our smoke/black persian pussy cat meows he looks like Pennywise and that even freaks me out (his lips are kind of outlined in black).
    OK, enough of my phobia.

    Bama, Noodles sounds like she was crazy!!! She sounds kind of like my mother-in-law (who lives w/us right now).

  48. ivoryhut Says:

    Alls I want to say right now is that you are all cracking me up!

    Man, you can’t even make half this stuff up if you tried.

    Wait … does that even make sense?

  49. Mind Doc Says:

    I have legitimate clown phobia and balloon phobia and now I have vague recollections of just why *shudders at the memory of the evil Bozo*. I thought that I was the only one who had it, but then read some weird scholarly article on why people are skeered of them. Just goes to show what people will think of when desperate for a dissertation topic.

    You all just made my afternoon after a long morning of verbal pummeling masquerading as cross examination.

    Fridges and bad TV and lovely Monkbots. Life does not get any better. Thanks — you all rawk!

    My hat is doffed to the limpid lovelies in the UK, Claire and Rowan. Officially, yer aff yer heid, but brilliant fer a’ tha’!

    (sorry, *sux at accents*)

  50. Mind Doc Says:

    Oh, and thanks for the resurrection of the disturbing Big Foot and Wild Boy memories, Shelley. It is now like some awful visual equivalent of the opening scene in the movie Groundhog Day — you know when Bill Murry has to listen to “I got you Babe” over and over with no hope of it ever ceasing? Now I have men in horrible furry costumes running amok behind my eyes. Yeesh.

    Back to work!

  51. Rowan Says:

    Bama – your Noodles story is killing me. Can just imagine her. I have to throw my clown-loathing and fearing hat into the ring too. (Shudder.)

    Shelley – awww thanks for Tom Baker. had a biiiig crush on him, back in the day. He was just this side of crazy and had a wonderful voice and great big hair.

    Claire – think Wanderely Wagon takes the cake. Truly fabulously bizarre.

    This is my very last wierdy 70s offering. The guy with the beard calling himself “Yoffy” for whatever reason, gave me the creeps. Whenever my mum told me not to take sweets from strangers, I thought of him. Looking back, tho, he seems really completely benign, just having a bad beard day. He seemed scary to me as he appeared to have his head on upside down.

    Night Claire!

    (Whoo hooo, managed to copy and paste this time, without typing in all the wee characters of the YouTube URL!)

  52. Rowan Says:

    MD – just saw your post. Your accent is braw, Missus! Have laughed loads and loads today too. A toast to the Monkbot sisterhood!o-{:8)}

    Groundhog Day…that was the last thing I saw at the cinema. No wait – it was Lord of the Rings(went veeery grudgingly.) Sheesh – and I had just about repressed it. Christopher Lee was very groovy tho, as Gandalf. Had a crush on him too (Not in the guise of Gandalf, I hasten to add.) Tom Baker wins out, though. πŸ™‚

  53. leejolem/clownfearer Says:

    I thought Wanderly Wagon was the best until I saw The Adventures of Finger Mouse (aka Fingerbobs)– Yoffy needs a new hobby. Do you think he can make a little Monkbot finger puppet that plays cymbals and paints?

    I think we have to change our name after today to Soul Patrol/Monkbot/Clown-fearing Division!

    Rowan, cheers to you for the Colgate comment about Shelley’s frig. That was priceless.

  54. leejolem Says:

    Oh my gosh, I just googled “Lidsville” and found out Butch Patrick (aka Eddie Munster) played the lead character, and that the same lady that played Witchie Poo from HR Puff n Stuff played Weenie the Genie on Lidsville. I wish I were better at linking stuff. You all must go google Lidsville for more 70’s weirdness.

  55. double d Says:

    A new Monkbot Mantra:

    FEAR THE CLOWN!

    ROTFLMBAO

  56. Jan Says:

    bama: I think that’s a great idea about single size condiments and everything. I am always buying something for 1 recipe when I do cook like once every 3 months and then throwing it away. Or, worse, having company and buying everything under the sun that they might like to eat and then throwing it all away.

    IT was creepy for sure but I have problems with clowns at this time. We’ll see if that changes as I sleep…

  57. Shrewspeaks Says:

    Man o man—Stupid client! I missed commenting on Noodles! Dratz and tarnation!

    I sooo need to get on the client side of the fence! (Phone interview tomorrow..thank god!) Bama if you need a marketer for “Singleton Condiments” and “Friday Night Home Baked Goods” just let me know.

    Oh and Runhappytoseeme…Freddy The Frog and Henrietta Hippo were on New Zoo Revue

    Here is 70’s Kids show Carol and Paula…with the giggle patch and Sherlock the Pink Squirrell. I do believe this was a NYC area only show. *sigh* I so wanted to Carol with the groovey Pigtails and brown sweade vest! Oh well.

  58. double d Says:

    This likely started my Clown aversion.

    Yet, this doesn’t help.

  59. Mind Doc Says:

    I applaud you all for having higher moral standards than mine. When I was single, my condiments consisted of whatever packets I could swipe. Soy sauce, hot sauce, ketchup, mustard. It was like a culinary adventure, because I was only limited by my imagination and fleeting contact with reality. You have no idea how versatile that hot Chinese mustard is if you have no other seasonings.

    Really. Try it on scrambled eggs instead of tabasco.

    You would be surprised at how many things you can purloin from fast food places and take out.

  60. Mind Doc Says:

    Ooooh, ooooh! (A la Horshack)

    I have a clown story. We have a semi-famous clown that lives in this area. My friend hired this clown for her son’s birthday party. Now, he is famous for not talking. I asked my friend how the party went and she said it was fine, until she went out to the car when he was leaving, to pay him. She said that he had propositioned her.

    I said “What? He actually talked?” She said no, that he had not. She informed me that he had not said a word. Fascinated, I asked what he had done. She demonstrated. To my vast amusement, it turned out that he had propositioned her in pantomime. And it was a bit … um … explicit.

    She said, somewhat grimly, that she believed that he reserved that particular part of the act for the mommies, as it would lead to uncomfortable questions from the children.

    Clowns are creepy. And some are letchers.

  61. shelley Says:

    He should hook up with Noodles.

  62. Rowan Says:

    MD – That is hilarious and awful. what more evidence do we need that clowns are bad news? I hope he accepted that a Muay Thai type kick in the nether regions was an appropriate non-verbal response.

  63. nolagirl Says:

    I don’t think things could get much worse than a pervy clown. Yikes!

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