Bad Joke Friday

by

A friend sent me this joke yesterday and I thought I’d share.

Two fonts walk into a bar and order a drink.

The bartender looks at them and says, “We don’t serve your type here.”

Okay, your turn. Give it your worst.

(All inappropriate jokes–racist, racy, mean, etc.–will be incinerated and perpetrators will be deluged with wet fish.)

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33 Responses to “Bad Joke Friday”

  1. patrickkaddiddlehopper Says:

    Q. What did one hydrogen fission atom say to the other unfaithful hydrogen fission atom?

    A. I’m gonna keep my ion you!

    ion- atom with a net electric charge to due having gained or lost one or more electrons (like that helps).

  2. patrickkaddiddlehopper Says:

    Bobby Boomerang had had it with Charlie Boomerang. While Bobby was leaving the house Charlie yelled after him, “Oh, sure, you’ll go about 100 yards like always, and then come back!”.

  3. suzi-q Says:

    Here’s a dirty joke….
    A horse fell into the mud! 😉

  4. suzi-q Says:

    A (insert hair color hair here) was walking through the desert with a car door strapped to her side. She passed out do to dehydration and when a helicopter saw her laying in the dunes, they flew down to save her. When she had been revived the pilot asked her,’What were you doing with a car door strapped to your side?”. The (insert hair color here) answered, “I had it so I could roll the window down if I got hot!”.

  5. Quossum Says:

    A man goes to the pet store. “I want the world’s most amazing pet,” he tells the clerk.

    “Well, we’ve got this dog that can roll over.”

    “No, more amazing than that.”

    “We’ve got this parrot that can talk.”

    “No, more amazing than that!”

    “Well, we’ve got this centipede…”

    “Centipede? What does it do?”

    “Oh, anything. Watch.” The clerk says to the centipede, “Centipede, clean out those cages!” Immediately, the centipede flies into action, washing, wiping, replacing bedding, and it’s done in a flash.

    “Wow, that’s amazing! I’ll take it!”

    So the guy buys the centipede and takes it home. Once home, he says, “Centipede, bring me a soda!”

    The centipede rushes to the fridge and brings him a soda.

    “Wow! Okay, Centipede, clean this kitchen!”

    The centipede leaps to work and in only a few moments, the kitchen is spotless.

    “Whoa!! All right, then, Centipede, take this list, go to the store and buy me some groceries!”

    The centipede rushes out the room. Time passes, then more time, then more time. The guy stands there in the kitchen, getting more and more impatient. Finally, he yells out, “Centipede, what’s taking you so long?”

    The centipede calls back, “Gimme a second, will ya? I’m putting on my shoes!”

    –Q

  6. Julie Says:

    A rope goes into a bar and sits down. “I’ll have a whiskey,” he says to the bartender.

    The bartender tells him, “We don’t serve ropes in here fella. Now beat it.”

    The rope goes outside, ties himself into a knot, and comes back in.

    “I’ll have a whiskey,” he says.

    “Hey!” says the bartender,” Aren’t you that rope I just kicked outta here?”

    “No,” says the rope, “I’m a frayed knot.”

  7. Little Deb Says:

    Do you know how to tell that a (insert hair color) has been using your computer?

    There’s white out all over the screen.

  8. jenfera Says:

    Why is six afraid of seven?

    Because seven eight nine!

  9. leejolem Says:

    If you can believe Julie’s and Jenfera’s were 2 of my all time favs that I was going to use. Here’s another punny one:
    What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?

    “I’m a wiener!”

  10. eastonwest Says:

    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    ?
    ?
    ?
    ?
    ?
    ?

    You put it in a microwave oven until it’s bill withers.

  11. kimmykins Says:

    Q: What do you call a honeymoon salad?

    A: Lettuce alone.

    ******

    “I think,” said the sweet potato, “therefore, I yam”

  12. rowan Says:

    Here’s one contributed by my four year old. She looked at me pityingly when I asked if she knew any good ones, as my brain has seized-up.

    What do you call a fly with no wings?

    a walk.

  13. leejolem Says:

    You guys are cracking me up today!

    My fav knock-knock joke just doesn’t work when you type it. But here goes anyway:
    voice #1:knock knock
    voice #2:who’s there?
    voice #1:interrupting cow
    voice #2: interrupti– voice #1: MOO!!!!!!

    Get it? It’s a hoot in real life.

  14. Shelley Says:

    Lee…I know you can’t watch videos at work…but if you could…you would see that great “moo” joke in action atop this post. 😉

  15. jenfera Says:

    Poor lee can’t watch video at work! That joke is in the video Shelley posted!

    I wasn’t sure how to type mine either. Is it because seven eight nine, or because seven ate nine? Doesn’t matter when you are speaking it.

    eastonwest, that was hysterical! Took me a minute though!

  16. KimLoree Says:

    One elderly couple was visiting another for dinner one evening. The ladies were working in the kitchen and the gents were visiting in the living room. Gent #1 – “The wife and I had a fabulous dinner at a restaurant the other night.”
    Gent #2 – “What was the name of the restaurant?”
    Gent #1 – (Scratches head – Thinking…thinking) “What’s the name of that flower?”
    Gent #2 – “I don’t know….daisy?”
    Gent #1 – “No…no…the red ones.”
    Gent #2 – “Poppy?”
    Gent #1 – “No…no…the ones you buy a dozen of.”
    Gent #2 – “Rose?”
    Gent #1 – “Yeah…that’s it!” Yells into kitchen….”Hey Rose….what was the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?”

  17. Little Deb Says:

    After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men–he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

    Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women–she loved to
    browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local
    Wal-Mart.

    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
    commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
    carts when they weren’t looking.

    2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
    women’s restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
    “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”

    5 August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on
    layaway.

    6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
    shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
    from the bedding department.

    8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
    crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
    mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
    humming the ” Mission Impossible” theme.

    12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look”
    by using different sizes of funnels.

    13 December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
    yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

    And last, but not least .

    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
    then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

    Regards,
    Walmart

  18. Little Deb Says:

    I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
    The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
    The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Yeah, got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

  19. Claire Says:

    I just love this one….hope it doesn’t get poofed or earn me a fishslap!! It’s a Star Trek one….

    Q: Why did Lt. Uhuru cry?

    A: Because William Shatner.

    Hee hee…..

  20. Shelley Says:

    Is “shat” an Irish term?

    (sorry, I don’t get it…does shat mean something offensive)

  21. leejolem Says:

    I know what shat means, but I still don’t get it.

    Great Monkbot minds think alike—all three of my fav jokes were used on the thread before I could even type a response. Shelley, you know I heart you for using the MOO knock, knock joke. I can’t believe there’s a video of it.

  22. Claire Says:

    Ah forget it.

  23. Jules Says:

    You guys are something – Love Eastonwest’s the most. I have a terrible memory retention for jokes for some reason. Honestly the only one I can ever remember & I’m sure everyone’s heard it a zillion times but here goes…

    Why don’t blind people bungee jump?

    It scares the dog too much.

    whack whack

  24. jojo Says:

    Hey Claire…I thought it was funny!

    How about some good old fashioned Christmas cracker jokes:

    Q: What do you call a cat who eats a duck?

    A: A duck-filled-fatty-puss.

    Q: What do you call a hippy’s wife?

    A: Mississippi.

    Q: What do you call a girl with the Titanic on her head?

    A: Mandy Lifeboats.

    Q: What is round, white and laughs a lot?

    A: A tickled onion.

    Q: What do you get if you cross a worm with an elephant?

    A: Great big holes in your garden.

    …..okay..y’all can stop groaning now, lol.

  25. Jan Says:

    A skeleton walks into a bar
    He sits down at the bar and says, give me a beer and a mop

  26. KimLoree Says:

    A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to set up 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up the glasses and starts pouring. The guy starts slamming down the shots as quickly as the bartender can pour them.
    When the tenth shot was down, the bartender asks, “Dude…why are you drinking like that?”
    The guy says, “If you had what I have, you’d drink that way too.”
    The bartender, expecting that the guy must have some kind of terminal illness, sadly says, “What do you have?”
    The guy responds, “a buck fifty”.

  27. tycleo Says:

    Q. How do they make holy water? A. They boil the HE** out of it.

  28. Julie Says:

    OH, Kimloree, your’s reminds me of such a good one, but it’s dirty and Shelley would spank me with the damn fish.

    Does anyone know it? About the man who asks for 10 shots of whiskey, and when the bartender asks him what’s wrong, he says, “I just had my first ****” and the bartender says “Oh, so you’re celebrating?” And then the man says something else but I can’t say it cause it’s DIRTY.

    Anyway, if you know it, just pretend and have a chuckle with me.

    Hahahahaha!

    I have another dirty one involving a powder puff but I won’t tell it either. Why is it that the only jokes I can remember involve drinking in bars or something sexual???

  29. rowan Says:

    Claire – yer funny! 😀

    here’s a Scottish one:

    Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?

    He was in ‘eesel.

    This was one of my grandad’s favourites:

    A man walks into a bar, and sees a group of old guys playing dominoes. There’s a german shepherd dog asleep on the last available seat, and the newcomer nudges it with his foot until the aminal wakes, and slides under the table, watching him balefully. The guy claims his seat with his new hat, and goes to get a drink. On coming back, he sees the dog back in his former place, the last remnants of the hat protruding from his jaws. Horrified, the owner of the mangled headgear turns to the owner of the dog, and begins a heated argument. “Why did you let him do that? That’s outrageous. That hat was split new. This is a bar, not a zoo…animals should be banned from places like this. It’s a bleedin disgrace. That hat cost me £50, which I expect you to cough up.”

    The owner turns to him, and replies in a reasoning tone, “He’s only doing what comes naturally. You left it there at your own risk. It was daft, but you’ll not make the same mistake again.”

    The irate former hat-owner grabs the little old guy by the collar and yells into his face, “So, THAT’S your attitude?”

    “On no,” the wee mannie replies, “It was your atteechewed.”

  30. leejolem Says:

    Good one Rowan!

  31. Dr. Bob Says:

    JAN! You used my favorite joke!

    *sulks in corner*

  32. rob1noq Says:

    Q: Why don’t you gamble in Africa? A: Because of the Cheetahs

  33. leejolem Says:

    rob1noq, roflmao!

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