I write because it’s easier for me than dealing with things in person.
I write because I’m afraid of confrontation and because, to be honest, I’m not good at the art of argument. Rare is the occasion that I’m able to speak my mind clearly and effectively when I’m upset or hurt or feeling defensive.
When in situations where I feel threatened or belittled…my mind shuts down. I can barely form thoughts…let alone remember even the simplest word. I usually end up sounding like some kind of odd bird whose logic has flown south for the winter. And since my logical mind has temporarily vacated me…I’m left with my emotional mind…which is even worse than sounding like a nonsensical ninny because my emotional mind is usually accompanied by rambling and…ugh…crying. And we all know what kind of perceptions people have of a crying woman…
This inability to speak out when I’m upset is my greatest weakness. I am a person of big ego but little confidence (which, I suppose, is par for the course) and my tied tongue feeds off my ever-present feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. In an argument, I not only battle the opposing person…I battle my own mind and thoughts of stupidity and ignorance and the inability to recall details from the past to prove my point.
Adding insult to injury is the fact that, when I am in an argument with another person, I usually can see (maybe not fully understand…but see) their point of view. This immediately makes me think…”well, Shelley, they’re making sense…you aren’t…obviously, you’re wrong and they’re right.”
I hate being this way, and I hate not knowing how to fix it.
Suddenly wishes she could turn into Maria from “The Sound of Music.”